


My Arms Were Made To Hold You

by portraitofemmy, rainbow_marbles



Series: Never Let You Go [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Sex, Angst, Babies, Blow Jobs, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fatherhood, Fluff, Found Family, Kid Fic, M/M, Marvel Universe Big Bang 2015, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), POV Bucky Barnes, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Recovery, Shower Sex, Single Father Steve Rogers, Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:44:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 55,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5234573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portraitofemmy/pseuds/portraitofemmy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow_marbles/pseuds/rainbow_marbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tired of being kept awake at night by a screaming baby, Bucky decides to take matters into his own hands. Mostly he wants a good night's sleep, but what he gets is a beautiful baby boy with big blue eyes, a lonely father trying to move on from tragedy, and a chance at a family he never expected to have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Arms Were Made To Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> We need to give a huge, huge thank you to [lanalucy](http://lanalucy.livejournal.com/) for her extensive beta work, and to [lilo07](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilo07/pseuds/lilo07) for plot feed back and cheerleading. This fic would not have made it without you guys.
> 
> We'd also like to thank our artists [kultiras](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kultiras/pseuds/kultiras) and [cassandrasfisher](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cassandrasfisher/pseuds/cassandrasfisher) for the wonderful art they created for this fic, which you can find [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5232428) and [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5222120).

The neighbor's baby has been screeching the entire night and Bucky’s at his wit’s end. He hasn’t been able to get a wink of sleep, and tonight he actually feels like his body might let him get some solid rest for a change, if only it weren’t for the noise. He tosses and turns, tries to muffle the crying with a pillow over his head, but after another half hour it’s enough to get him out of bed and stomping over to his neighbor's door. He knocks and when the door opens, he finds himself blinking in surprise and kind of staring for a moment. He knew there was a baby, but he wasn’t expecting the extremely hot guy cradling the baby in his arms, looking frazzled and obviously utterly worn out while the little one looks so tragically miserable it hurts.

The guy starts apologizing right away, rushing to say, “I’m sorry, I know he’s loud, but I’ve tried everything and he just won’t stop.”

Bucky just reaches out his hands, making a _give him here_ gesture, and sighs when the guy eyes him suspiciously. “I promise I’m not a serial killer nor am I going to run away with your kid, I’d just really love to try and go to sleep tonight, so if you’ll let me, I’d like to try something,” he says, arms still outstretched.

The neighbor still looks wary, but hands the baby over and Bucky cradles him gently, cooing down at him soothingly. Bucky helped raise three sisters, and he was about eleven when the youngest one was born, so he has vague memories of soothing crying babies late at night. But this little one just kind of curls against his collarbone and whimpers a little.

“I have no idea what just happened, but thank you,” the guy says and sags against the nearest wall. “He seems to like everyone more than me,” he smiles sadly.

“He can probably tell you're upset," Bucky says calmly, smoothing his prosthetic hand across the baby's back, encouraging him to take deeper breaths. “Kids can read what you're feeling sometimes, so if you start getting panicky, they will too."

“Yeah,” Hot Neighbor nods, “that's what my Ma said too, but it's just… hard right now. His mom, she's… she died three months ago and we both miss her. Plus we just moved and I have a new job. Hasn't been easy,” he says and runs a hand through his hair, making it stand up even more than it did before. He looks tired, his whole posture sagging, and by the looks of the bags under his eyes, he hasn’t gotten a decent amount of sleep in a while.

Bucky nods, looking down at the little guy curled up against his chest. He's calmed down now, looking up at Bucky with huge wet eyes. "I'd be happy to help when I can," he volunteers impulsively. "Where is he while you're at work?"

"You would?" the guy asks, surprised. "My mom usually watches him, but she can’t do it all the time. We’ve been looking at babysitters, but I’m kinda reluctant about pushing a complete stranger on him right now."

Bucky smiles a little, because he is a complete stranger, but he can already feel an attachment growing for the baby in his arms, and for the exhausted father looking at him like he's a gift from the heavens. "What's his name?" Bucky asks, smiling down at the little boy, who'd turned to observe his father with solemn eyes. "Joey," Steve answers "Joseph. For my dad."

"Hey Joey, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Bucky," he says softly to the baby and then looks at the dad. "It’s actually James, James Buchanan Barnes, but no one really calls me that."

"Steve Rogers," the neighbor introduces himself. "I’d shake your hand, but your arms are kinda full," he teases.

Joey's head is lolling against Bucky's shoulder now, clearly tired from the crying jag. "You can try to take him back," Bucky offers, stepping closer to Steve. "Just don't get too agitated on him." The baby whimpers in protest as they pass him over, but settles against his father's chest happily enough, little fist curling into Steve's t-shirt.

Steve breathes in and out shakily, looking visibly overwhelmed, but he seems to pull himself together and smiles at Bucky. “Thank you. He would have probably made himself sick with crying if you hadn’t showed up.”

Bucky has to physically cross his arms over his chest to stop himself from stepping forward and hugging the poor guy, who looks like he's gone through hell and back. And no wonder, Bucky thinks, losing his - wife? The mother of his child, anyway, not so long ago. "I'm glad I could help," he says, with as much sincerity as he can. "He honestly seems like a sweetheart."

"He is, he just needs some time to adjust, we both do," Steve says, running his fingers over the blond fluff on Joey’s head. "I’m gonna try and put him in his crib, see if he falls asleep." He smiles down at the baby, whose eyes are already closed. "I suppose you’ll be heading to bed too? Sorry again that we kept you up. I’d offer you some coffee or something in thanks, but I guess it’s a little late for that."

"Maybe in the morning," Bucky offers with a soft smile. He really does want to see them both again, but he can feel exhaustion creeping into his bones. Steve nods, broad hand resting against his son's back, and _oh shit_ , Bucky is so fucked. 

"I'd like that," Steve agrees.

They say goodnight to each other and Bucky goes back to his apartment, which seems oddly empty now that there’s no baby cries ringing along the walls. He rolls his eyes at himself for being ridiculous and crawls back into his bed, but sleep doesn’t come as easy as it should now that there’s silence, his mind constantly drifting back to the blond next door and his adorable baby.

___

Bucky can hear signs of life next door when he wakes up, a microwave going off and what sounds like a morning news report. It's earlier than he might usually get up on a day when he doesn't have Group at the VA or a physical therapy appointment, but he's got the image branded into his brain of Steve showing him out with baby Joey asleep on his shoulder, and god, he just feels drawn to them, pulled into their gravity after only one meeting.

He rushes through getting ready, doing the bare minimum to look presentable in his washed out jeans, a green hoodie, and hair pulled up in a messy bun. He assumes Steve has to leave for work soon and he really wants to get to his apartment before that happens. 

Steve is smiling when he opens the door for him. He looks surprisingly awake and well put together for someone who was up late with a crying baby. "Come on in," he says and closes the door after Bucky. "Coffee’s almost ready and I was just about to feed Joey before making myself breakfast, if you wanna join me."

Bucky blinks blearily, then mutters, "I'm gonna level with you, I'm not usually awake at this hour. I wanted to catch you before you left for work, but I'm gonna need coffee, and then I'll get back to you about the rest of that." It makes Steve laugh, a bright, startled sound, like he's not really used to doing it often. Bucky finds he really, really likes it.

“‘s too bad you didn’t know I don’t have to be in before noon today. We’re getting new furniture delivered and people would just be in the way, so you could’ve come by later,” Steve says and pours Bucky a cup, motioning for him to sit down at the dining table. He leaves the room after he hands the cup to Bucky and comes back a moment later with Joey in his arms. The little one starts making noises as soon as he notices the other man in their kitchen.

And god, that kid is so fucking cute, babbling nonsensically and reaching for Bucky in awkward little squirms. Bucky can't help but grin and stand, reach his flesh hand out for Joey’s fist to curl around his index finger. "Hey buddy," he murmurs, smiling at Steve, then down at Joey. "You look much happier this morning."

Joey makes a happy noise in response as if to say ‘yes’ and when Bucky looks at Steve, he looks so besotted with this tiny human, Bucky’s own heart skips a beat in sympathy. Joey keeps holding onto Bucky’s finger and won’t let go even as Steve steps away a little and he laughs. “I can’t feed you if you keep holding onto Bucky, silly. You need your breakfast and Bucky needs his coffee.”

Bucky laughs a little and reaches out to gently pry Joey off with the other hand, still a little self-conscious of the way the prosthetic glints in the morning light. It might have passed unnoticed before, but it won't now. He bites his lip, trying to remind himself there is nothing to feel shame for, forces a smile as he bops Joey on the nose. "I'm not going anywhere," he says to the kid, and then goes back to his coffee.

Steve, for his part, doesn’t say anything about Bucky’s prosthetic, even though Bucky can see the glances he keeps shooting at it, and moves across the room to pick up Joey’s bottle. Joey latches onto it quickly and Steve sits down opposite Bucky at the table as the baby feeds. “I know you’re still iffy on breakfast, but I was gonna make veggie omelets, if that helps your decision any.”

Bucky has to admit that sounds appealing. It's been cereal or toast for him most days, and a hot breakfast sounds kind of amazing. Still, he feels odd showing up and eating someone else's food, offered or no. "Can I help somehow?" he ventures, and Steve smiles a little wistfully, patting the baby in his arms. "Play with him? If he's distracted I might actually be able to cook something without burning it."

"So you’re leaving me with the easy part then," Bucky teases, and accepts the baby eagerly once he finishes his bottle. Joey gurgles at him happily and swings out his tiny hands until Bucky offers him his finger again. "You’ve got a strong grip buddy, gonna be like your dad when you grow up, huh?" he says, looking at Steve from the corner of his eye. It definitely hasn’t escaped his notice that Steve is built like a brick house.

Much to Bucky's amusement, Steve blushes a little, looking studiously at the stove top. "Well, he's already got my hair and my eyes. His mother's nose, though, thank god." Bucky can hear the way he's forcing himself past the pain in the words. 

"It's a pretty cute nose," he concedes, lightly tapping the nose in question with a fingertip, then sticking his tongue out when the baby looks at him. Joey laughs delightedly.

He makes faces at the baby and revels in every happy little squeal Joey lets out as Steve gets busy cracking the eggs and chopping vegetables. He’s so focused on Joey, he startles a little when Steve speaks up again.

"You have much experience with kids?"

"Yeah, I have little sisters," Bucky says, still smiling when he looks up to meet Steve's gaze. "Three of them. Got a niece, too, though my oldest sister Caitlin and her family live in California, so I haven't really seen the baby since she was born." Hadn't really seen her even then, nothing more than a blurry Skype call while he was deployed overseas. Still, they were making noise about coming back for Christmas, this year, so maybe then.

"That must’ve been nice, growing up in a big family like that," Steve says as he adds the veggies to the eggs in the pan. "I’m an only child, to my eternal regret," he chuckles. "Haven’t really had much contact with kids before we got this little guy. I’m guessing you’re the eldest?" he asks.

"Yep. I was an oops baby," Bucky says, just to see if he can make Steve laugh again. He does, the same surprised and delighted sound, and he grins so hard Joey squeaks at him. "My mom is very open about it. My sisters were more planned though." Testing a hunch, Bucky holds both of Joey's hands gently, and starts bouncing his knee lightly with the baby on it. He grins in triumph when Joey shrieks in delight, babbling off a string of nonsense words.

Steve finishes the omelets and Bucky can see him moving to get some plates. “You really have a way with him,” Steve comments, and for a moment he looks about as defeated as he had last night.

Bucky smiles at him, feeling a deep need to reassure this man he barely knows. "I've had practice. It's been three months, you said? He's a happy, healthy baby, Steve. I think you're doing just fine." And it's true. Joey's clearly eating enough, isn't shy or withdrawn or lethargic in a way that might indicate he's not being taken care of emotionally. As if needing to reinforce Bucky's point, Joey reaches out for his father as soon as he's within range.

Steve laughs softly and puts the plates down on the table so he can pick Joey up and cuddle him. “Don’t tell me you missed me already,” he jokes, and kisses the top of his head as he sits down.

Bucky bites his lip, watching the two of them interact. It’s obvious they’re used to eating like this, as Joey sits easily against Steve’s stomach and clings to his shirt with one hand, sticking the thumb of the other in his mouth. There’s a high chair for Joey at the table, but Bucky can guess that holding him is probably easier. Steve grins at down at the baby then up at Bucky, and pushes the other plate closer to him. “Eat up before it gets cold.”

Bucky takes a bite of the omelet and has to bite back a moan as the flavors burst across his tongue. This guy’s hot, with an adorable baby, and he knows how to cook: it’s almost too good to be true. "Hell of a lot better than Cheerios," he says with a grin at Steve, who ducks his head a little and smiles. 

"Nothing wrong with Cheerios," he counters, but Bucky is too taken with the way he eats one-handed, keeping Joey tucked against him with the other, to add anything else. 

Joey seems happy to sit and babble animatedly to himself while Bucky and Steve eat and it’s an obvious contrast to the scene from last night, but the calm is interrupted a moment later when Steve’s phone rings. Bucky’s not sure who he’s talking to, but his face goes from relaxed and happy to tense and upset by the time the phone call is done. 

Joey picks up on Steve's mood instantly and starts fussing the second he hangs up the phone, whimpering softly and squirming around in Steve's lap. "Hush, sweetheart, please," Steve mutters to the baby and closes his eyes, obviously trying to gather himself. 

After a moment he stands up, walking around the table to deposit the fussing baby in Bucky’s arms. “Could you just hold him for a bit? I gotta call work and tell them I can’t come in today,” he says, staring at his phone with a distraught look on his face. 

"Is everything okay. Did something happen?" Bucky asks, concerned. Joey is curling in tight against his chest, whimpers turning into little cries, but he's stopped wiggling at least. Steve shakes his head distractedly, pacing around the kitchen in distress. "My Ma's stuck on shift at the hospital, she can't watch him. And I really shouldn’t be taking more time off. My boss at the ad company is a good guy, he’s let me have a lot of time off already considering I haven’t been working there long, but sooner or later he’s gonna get fed up. I just... I don’t know what else to do," he sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat. And Bucky knows, he _knows_ Steve barely knows him, has no reason to trust him, but he can’t help but offer: "I did say I could watch him if you needed?"

Steve’s hand stills on his phone and he looks at Bucky calculatingly. They only met a couple of hours ago and trusting Bucky would be a huge risk and require a lot of blind faith on Steve’s part, but bit by bit, Bucky can see him crumbling. “It would only be for a few hours, it’s only a half day today anyway,” he says hesitantly.

Bucky shrugs easily. "I've got nowhere to be today. Another day might be trickier on short notice, but today I’m free." Joey is still crying softly, and Bucky rocks him, metal hand gentle against his back. "I know you don't know me that well, so I'm not gonna be offended if you turn me down, and the offer will stay on the table for later." He shrugs again, aching a little for the man who looks so worn down. "Let me help?"

"You’d really be saving me if you did," Steve says quietly. He seems to mull it over for a few more seconds and then nods. "How 'bout you promise to stay here and I call you on the landline a couple of times from work to check in?" he asks. 

"Yeah, of course. All his stuff's here, and my apartment hasn't exactly been kid-proofed," Bucky agrees. "You can leave me your mom's number too, and your pediatrician. Just to be safe." Steve is looking at Bucky like he’s wondering if Bucky is actually real, and Bucky flushes. "I've been babysitting since I was eleven. I know the 'in case of emergency' routine." Steve shakes his head, laughing a little, and Bucky smiles tentatively as he passes Joey back. "I'm gonna go get some stuff from my place. I'll be back before noon."

Steve still doesn’t look completely at ease with the situation when he says goodbye to the both of them later, but he leaves Joey with Bucky and goes to work. He calls home probably more times than necessary, but Bucky takes it in stride and Joey just gurgles happily into the receiver every time Steve asks to hear him, so he figures everything is all right. He looks on edge when he bursts through the door later in the evening, but the tension seems to bleed out of him when he notices Bucky on the couch, the baby fast asleep in his arms.

"Everything go okay?" he asks as he takes off his jacket and walks farther into the apartment.

"He fussed for a while after you left," Bucky admits, looking down at the little boy nestled asleep in his arms. "But that's not really surprising. He probably never likes it when you leave, but that's normal. We got on fine after that." Steve looks exhausted and worn out, and as much as Bucky is coming to like the warm weight of Joey in his arms, he suspects Steve just really needs to hold his son right now.

Steve sits down next to him and holds his arms out for Joey, carefully cuddling him close when Bucky hands him over. He strokes over the baby’s sleeping face gently and then gives Bucky a grateful smile. “Thank you for watching him today, for calming him down last night. You’re a lifesaver.”

"It was my pleasure," Bucky says with a smile, then ventures, "That's what friends are for, right?" Steve smiles back, tired but real, and Bucky feels the warmth of it take root in his chest. He makes himself stand up, pausing to stroke his hand down Joey's back in farewell, and has to fight the strange urge to kiss Steve's forehead as well. "I'll leave you my cell number, but you know where to find me."

"Yeah," Steve smiles. "And you know where to find me if you get tired of cereal for breakfast," he adds, and Bucky chuckles as he writes down his number on a pad of paper. "I’ll remember that," he says and waves at them both before heading to his apartment. God, it hadn’t even been a day and he’s already so tangled up.

___

Things must go easier that night, because there’s no noise to keep Bucky awake and there aren’t any baby emergencies or any other sign of Steve until a few days later. He’s on his way back from an evening jog when he finds Steve standing outside his door, fist raised to knock. 

"Oh," Steve says, and Bucky grins, pulling out his headphones. "I was going to invite you over for dinner, but maybe it's too early to have dinner for people who aren't on baby schedules?"

"It is a little early, but I could eat," Bucky smiles. "Just give me a moment to shower and change, and I’ll be right over."

"Sure, take your time," Steve nods and heads back to his place. 

Bucky has a quick shower and then a minor wardrobe crisis (what do you _wear_ to a dinner with a hot guy and his adorable kid, which is probably not a date since he just lost his wife/girlfriend) before he’s ready and knocking lightly on Steve's door. 

"It's open," Steve calls from inside, and Bucky walks into the apartment to find Steve in the kitchen by the sink draining pasta. "Perfect timing," Bucky observes, walking over to the playpen in the corner to say hi to Joey.

Joey babbles happily at him and stretches his little hands out toward him and how can Bucky resist that? He picks the baby up and laughs as Joey pats over his face excitedly. “Someone’s in a good mood today,” he comments and tickles the baby’s belly, smiling when that makes him wiggle and laugh.

"Food’s on the table, whenever you’re ready to detach yourself from my kid," Steve says from behind them.

Bucky flushes, suddenly feeling rude. Is it weird, liking somebody else's kid? He puts Joey back down, biting his lip nervously. "Sorry, he was making grabby hands at me. I um - sorry, I didn't mean to overstep." he says tentatively.

"Oh no, I was kidding!" Steve quickly backpedals. "I didn’t mean that you weren’t allowed or anything, I was just teasing ‘cause you went straight for him like a magnet was pulling at you and uh, well, I can’t really blame you, cause he is pretty adorable and I apparently don’t know how to make jokes anymore, sorry," he babbles and then shuts his mouth in an almost comical manner.

Bucky touches Steve's arm lightly in reassurance, trying not to think too much about how the warm skin of his forearm feels against Bucky's fingertips. "It is kind of a weird situation," he admits, taking a seat at the table. "It can't be easy, getting to know people when you’re all on your own with a baby. We'll figure it out," he says and Steve smiles at him gratefully before moving to serve Bucky the pasta.

They both dig in when Steve sits down and Bucky hums in appreciation. “This is really good. You’re kinda spoiling me here, first the omelet and now the pasta. Soon I won’t be satisfied with my Kraft dinners and take-out anymore.”

"I eat more take-out than I should," Steve admits, a sheepish grin on his face. "It's hard to be motivated to cook for one person. That or Ma comes by, but I'm trying to be an adult and everything." And just for a minute he looks so sad and despondent, Bucky wants to hug him. 

Instead he knocks his foot against Steve's under the table and asks, "You watch baseball?"

Steve lights up at that. “Oh yeah, I love baseball. I’ve been a Mets fan since I was a kid. Used to go to a game whenever I could, but haven’t really had much time for it lately. Please don’t tell me you’re a Yankees fan.”

Bucky grins, heart thudding happily in his chest. "Mets, all the way. My dad used to say that no real Brooklyn boy can root for the Yankees, or he'd be evicted. You said you grew up here, right?"

"Yeah, I did," Steve nods. "My family’s lived here for ages and I didn’t really wanna go, but both the colleges I applied to were in Boston, so I moved. And then I met Peggy and we both had job options there, so we ended up staying," he says, voice turning more somber. "Didn’t really feel like staying once she was gone."

Bucky bites his lip, sympathetic heartache settling into his own chest. "You miss her a lot," he says softly after a minute, and Steve’s mouth quirks up sadly.

"Every time I look at him I see her smile," Steve admits, tipping his chin toward the baby who’s watching them from the playpen. "I'm hoping it’ll stop hurting after a while." 

Bucky reaches out, touching the back of Steve's hand and lets out a breath when Steve flips it over, letting Bucky lace their fingers together.

Steve is quiet for a bit and then takes a breath, trying for a smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this into a sob fest, it’s just kind of hard to avoid talking about her. She was a big part of my life for the last few years and even after moving back here, I can’t escape the memories.”

"You should talk about her," Bucky says, squeezes Steve's hand and then pulls away. "That's the only way he's going to get to know her. It's okay. We can talk about my elephant in the room instead if you'd rather?" Bucky offers, gesturing vaguely at his prosthetic hand. "You did trust me with your baby, after all."

Steve shakes his head. “You don’t have to, not unless you want to. I’d like to hear it, but on your own time,” he says.

Bucky sighs, running his flesh and blood hand through his hair, before he leans back in his chair. "Can we say military service and leave it at that for now? It’s best if we leave the whole story for another day. I can say I got really lucky with the prosthetic, though, qualified for a Stark Industries trial program. I don't even have to pay for it, I just can't sue them if they short out my brain."

"Is that likely to happen?" Steve asks, wide-eyed, and Bucky has to laugh.

"I don’t think it is, no. Stark does quality work, though it certainly doesn’t feel like it when you watch him do it."

"That’s good. I can sue him for you though, if you want. Claim emotional damage for damaging the only surefire way of calming my kid down," Steve teases.

"He's being _such_ a bother right now," Bucky teases back, just to see if he can get Steve to do that head-duck-and-smile thing again. It totally works, and Bucky knocks their feet together. "I think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for." Steve rolls his eyes, but they’re full of affection when he looks over at the baby.

"He’s just so small and helpless. I keep worrying I’m gonna fuck up majorly somehow and not even know it," he says. "I know I am gonna fuck up, every parent does eventually and - and here I am swearing all over the place, because it still hasn’t stuck that I’m not supposed to anymore," he sighs tiredly.

Bucky reaches forward again to take Steve's hand, more confident it's welcome this time, and strokes his thumb across the skin on the back. "You love him. That's already so much more than some kids get," Bucky says softly, catching Steve's eyes and holding them. Steve seems to deflate a little, shoulders sagging down, the tension bleeding out.

"Is it stupid that I really need to hear this sometimes?" Steve asks, his voice small.

"Not at all," Bucky answers, squeezing his hand gently. "You’re raising him on your own, it’s okay to need a pep talk now and then. And you really have nothing to worry about, you’re doing great."

____

From then on, Bucky gets up early, even on the days he doesn't have his own appointments, gets dressed, and heads over to Steve's apartment. Sometimes Steve's already running late and has to run out when Bucky shows up, but on the days when Steve has more time, they have breakfast together and talk. He spends the rest of the day entertaining Joey and making sure he eats and that his diaper is clean and then in the evening Steve usually brings home take-out as a thank you.

He doesn't even realize how much time he’s spending with them until one day he opens his fridge and realizes there's no food there because he's been eating at Steve's for the past few days.

He’s starting to feel more relaxed at Steve’s place than in his own. He honestly likes stepping over baby toys and the constant demand of Joey’s attention. It makes his own place feel barren and quiet on the days when he stays home for PT or therapy. He likes having somewhere else to be, someone else to engage with. He especially likes spending time with Steve, even though he’s trying to ignore _how much_ he likes that.

They’re sitting on the floor in front of the couch one evening after Steve gets home from work, boxes of Chinese take-out spread between them, and Bucky’s listening to Steve talk about this obnoxious client he’d been dealing with that morning. Joey’s with them on the floor, had been making interested swipes at the boxes, but he got bored with them being taken away eventually and is now playing with a toy phone.

"Seriously, I'm not a violent person, but people like that make me so frustrated and angry it's probably a good thing I can't reach through the phone and shake them really hard," Steve finishes and visibly deflates a little after his diatribe and Bucky has to smile at how adorable he looks. His hair is all messed up from running his hand through it repeatedly as he was explaining and he's still wearing his work clothes, shirt unbuttoned to show the white tank top underneath.

“I mean, you’d probably get fired, but it might be worth it,” Bucky says fondly, drawing his legs up to his chest. He’s not terribly hungry, mostly picking at his food, but he steals a pork rib with a chopstick to keep his mouth busy so he can’t tell Steve how cute he is. He has to bite his lip against a grin when Joey crawls over to his father, trying to hand him the plastic phone.

"Oh, is it for me?" Steve asks seriously and puts his box of take-out down to press the phone to his ear. "Hello? Who am I talking to?" he says into the receiver and smiles down at Joey, who's babbling excitedly and trying to climb into Steve's lap. "Tom? I don't know anyone named Tom," he continues the fake conversation and gently bats Joey's hands away when he tries reaching for the phone. "Joey, no, you can't have the phone, I'm talking to Tom."

Bucky’s laughing now, can’t help himself, as he watches the way Steve cradles his son to his chest, holding him secure even as he tries to avoid the baby’s reach. “Oh, all right,” Steve says into the phone, and then hands the phone back to Joey “Tom wants to talk to you now.” Joey shrieks in delight and promptly drops the phone, snuggling into his father’s chest.

“Poor Tom,” Bucky teases.

"We're going to have to work on your people skills," Steve tells Joey and cradles him close. "Was he good today?" he asks Bucky. "He woke up a few times last night. We avoided waking you up as well for a change, but I figured he might be cranky today."

“He was fine,” Bucky says fondly, and it’s almost weird how much he wants to be closer to them, close enough to run his hand across Joey’s soft blond hair, feel Steve’s warmth. “He’s always a little fussy when you leave but I fed him and he calmed down. We read Thomas the Tank Engine like four times because he looked about ready to go off again every time I closed the book.”

"Yeah, he really loves that book. Ma brought it over last week and I could probably recite the whole thing in my sleep by now," Steve laughs. "Do you think he's too young for a train set? I haven't checked if it's age appropriate yet, but he really seems to be into trains right now and I've been thinking about getting him one."

“I think it would probably be better if you get him a Thomas the Tank Engine plushie for now. He doesn’t have the motor skills to operate a set yet and the sets come with detachable pieces that could come off when he tries to put bits of it in his mouth,” Bucky reasons. “Because he’s gonna put it in his mouth. He’s putting everything in his mouth. He tried to put my metal fingers in his mouth.” Bucky waves his prosthetic hand at them and Joey watches it move, seemingly captivated.

"Bad Joey," Steve says mock sternly and bops him on the nose. "No munching on people, even if they have cool, shiny looking arms," he says, and Joey makes a noise in protest. "No, you're not allowed to put other people's body parts in your mouth, not until you're older." It takes him a moment to realize what he's said and he looks at Bucky wide-eyed and then bursts out laughing.

“Jesus Christ, Rogers,” Bucky laughs, burying his face in his hands. “Well, at least he’s gonna grown up knowing it doesn’t matter if he likes boys or girls.”

“It’d be kind of hypocritical of me if I had a problem with that,” Steve says and Bucky glances up, heart speeding up in his chest. He’d been operating under the assumption that Steve was straight, given the whole girl-and-baby thing.

"I'm bi," Steve says, and he looks nervous, but he plows on. "I haven't... uh, I guess you could say my experience with liking guys is fairly theoretical, but I've always known who I liked," he says and smiles at Bucky before looking away quickly.

Bucky stretches out his leg until he can nudge Steve’s thigh with his toes. “It never gets easier to tell people, does it?” he asks, and when Steve looks at him curiously, he shrugs. “I couldn’t really tell people before my discharge, even after DADT was repealed. Just because you can’t be kicked out doesn’t mean the guys in your unit will take it well.”

"Oh," Steve says softly and his face softens. "That must have sucked. It's not easy in regular life, I can't imagine what it's like in that environment," he says sympathetically.

“Luckily it doesn’t come up much if you’re not seeing anyone,” Bucky says easily, trying to come off more relaxed than he feels. Being attracted to Steve was one thing when he didn’t think there was any chance at all of it being mutual, but now… He reminds himself forcefully that Steve has just lost his partner, this isn’t the time, no matter his sexuality.

____

Bucky rarely hears from Steve on the days when he has therapy and PT. Steve knows those are usually rough days for Bucky, and generally tries to give him space. Bucky appreciates that, though he never really minds hearing from Steve.

He doesn’t mind getting frustrated text messages from Steve about the shitty client meeting he’s just had, how his computer crashed fifteen minutes later, and how the alarm was going off in the building next door all afternoon. Steve’s day is getting increasingly worse and Bucky’s happy to be the pressure valve that lets the steam out.

He passes a bakery on his way home and on a whim decides to go in and buy a box of cookies. He knows Steve has a sweet tooth and he'll probably appreciate them after the shitty day he's had.

He goes to his apartment first, to change into something more comfortable and to make sure he doesn't look too worn out. His sessions were stressful, but there's a smile on his face as he's locking his own door to go to Steve's.

He knocks on the neighboring door, a smart quip already on his tongue, but then the door opens and instead of Steve, there's an older woman standing in front of him.

“Can I help you?” she asks politely, and for a moment he’s utterly lost for words. He glances into the apartment, seeking Steve out helplessly, and finds him relaxing on the couch, Joey sitting on his stomach.

“Hey Buck, come on in,” Steve says cheerfully.

Joey does what he always does when he sees Bucky, babbles nonsensically and reaches up with grabby hands for snuggles, even though he's currently laying on his father's stomach. Bucky suddenly finds himself blushing like a schoolgirl, not entirely sure how to react, so he just scuffs his hand through his hair and holds up the box of cookies and says "You were having a bad day?"

"And you brought me cookies, you know me so well." Steve smiles and gets up from the couch, taking the cookies from Bucky and handing Joey over, making it easier on the both of them. "Ma, this is my neighbor Bucky, Bucky this is my ma, Sarah," he introduces them.

Bucky can't exactly offer her a hand to shake, with an armful of baby, but Joey is nuzzling into his shoulder and making happy cooing noises and Bucky really doesn't want to put him down, so he just smiles at her and says, "Nice to meet you, ma'am."

Sarah just looks at Bucky and the baby curiously for a moment, but then smiles. “Nice to meet you too Bucky,” she says. “I assume you’re Steve’s ‘I got it covered, you don’t have to come watch Joey for me’?” she asks and Bucky nods.

“Joey and I are pals, aren’t we?” he coos to the baby, who gurgles right back, “and I don’t mind looking after him when you and Steve are busy.”

"That doesn't get in the way of your work?" Sarah asks and Bucky knows that protective tone, he’s heard it from his own mother when she was dealing with babysitters and other people involved with taking care of her children. 

"I'm still trying to figure out how to be back in the world," Bucky admits, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach. He gets it, he’s a stranger that she needs to assess, but this isn’t really a topic he likes to discuss with people he’s just met.

Sarah frowns for a moment, but then glances at the metal arm again and seems to realize what that means. “Thank you for your service,” she says politely, but her demeanour doesn’t turn any more friendly. “So, do you have experience in taking care of children?”

Bucky smiles, glancing nervously over at Steve, who looks like he wants to intervene, but doesn’t know how. "Yes, ma'am, I have three younger sisters. I was eleven when my baby sister was born, and my mom had her hands full with the other two."

This seems to relax her a little, but she still doesn’t seem at ease, and Bucky is grateful when Steve decides to jump in. “Bucky’s been a real help, Ma, and Joey likes him a lot,” he says, putting an arm around her shoulders, steering her back to the stove. “Why don’t you finish up dinner and I’ll set the table. Bucky can keep an eye on Joey and then we’ll all sit down and eat.”

"I always get the easy job," Bucky teases, bouncing the baby on his hip until Joey giggles loudly. Steve passes hem, pausing long enough to squeeze his elbow and share a soft smile and it eases Bucky’s anxiety somewhat. 

It’s not the most uncomfortable dinner Bucky’s ever sat through; that honor will always belong to the first time he met his family after his discharge, but it’s certainly up there. Sarah’s politely distant, and Steve overcompensates by being overly cheerful, even though it feels forced. Joey’s the only one who seems oblivious to the tension, busy as he is refusing to eat carrots and corn.

The baby is sitting in his high chair in between Steve and Bucky and they've gotten pretty used to sharing the feeding duties if Joey is fussy about what's on his plate, so Bucky automatically takes over when Steve puts the kid spoon down so he can shovel some of his own food into his mouth before it gets cold.

"Come on little man, you have to eat at least half of this. I know it's not as tasty as applesauce, but give it a try, for me?" he says as he holds up the spoon in front of Joey.

Joey makes a face, twisting away from the spoon.

“Was I this bad?” Steve asks his mom, and Bucky looks up, curious.

“Not with corn, you liked corn. You wouldn't eat squash or yams or carrots, though. I used to think you just hated the color orange, honestly.”

Bucky laughs a little when Steve rolls his eyes. “I grew out of it.”

“That you did,” Sarah agrees, reaching over to pat Steve’s hand. “He will too.”

Joey keeps refusing to open his mouth for the vegetable airplane, so Bucky considers another angle.

"Are you gonna be more cooperative if I take you out of that high chair and feed you while you're sitting on my lap?" he asks the baby and reaches for him when there's no response other than some more grumpy staring. He settles Joey in his lap, like Steve usually does in the morning, and Joey immediately seems happier, cooing adorably as he looks up at Bucky.

"Yeah, you like this better, don't you?" Bucky smiles and spoons up another portion of the vegetables.

Joey still doesn’t look happy about it, but he does open up and let Bucky spoon some corn into his mouth. “I feel like this is a bad precedent to be setting,” Bucky says darkly. “You can’t demand cuddles in exchange for good behavior.”

Steve snickers, and Sarah’s gone quiet again, watching Bucky and the baby. He feels self-conscious, but he’s determined to get through the rest of the meal despite the judgement.

Sarah keeps giving him these assessing looks all throughout dinner and she pulls Steve off to the side to say goodbye later on, obviously not wanting Bucky to overhear what she has to say, and it makes anxiety pool in his stomach.

He keeps fretting over it as he puts Joey in his playpen and waits for Steve to come back, but Steve makes no mention of his mother's behavior when he returns. He asks Bucky to help with dishes, they banter back and forth as they work like they usually would, and Bucky feels calm again. Steve likes having him around and his mother’s disapproval isn’t going to change that. 

____

After weeks of relatively calm sleeping, Bucky is suffering through another bout of insomnia. It entails a lot of staring at his ceiling in the hopes that maybe he'll fall asleep anyway, interchanged with late night infomercials. This night specifically there's also the added soundtrack of Joey crying on and off in the next apartment.

It's getting up toward one in the morning, and Bucky can still hear Joey's cries and unhappy whines through the wall, and he can only image how strung out Steve must be feeling. By now he knows where the spare key is hidden, and he lets himself into the apartment, calling out to Steve as he goes so as not to startle him.

"In here," Steve calls from Joey’s bedroom. He’s sitting on the floor next to Joey’s crib when Bucky walks in, looking in at the miserable baby through the slats, the overhead Disney mobile on. Steve must have hoped the song would help calm the baby down, but it isn’t working this time. "Are we keeping you up again?" he asks.

"A little, but I don't mind. Thought I'd see if you want some company until he falls asleep," Bucky says and walks over to sit next to Steve. Steve's got his fingers through the slats of the crib, one of Joey's fists curled around his fingers as he looks at his father with big wet eyes, whimpering.

"I don't know if sleep is gonna happen for more than a couple hours at a time," Steve admits quietly, and he looks exhausted.

"Is he not feeling well?" Bucky asks, looking from father to baby, not sure which of them he’d more like to bundle up and hold close until they look less miserable.

"I’m pretty sure he’s growing in another tooth," Steve answers. "And all the research I’ve done now and in the past says there’s no evidence it hurts or makes babies fussy, but I’m inclined to think that’s crap."

Bucky thinks for a second, then hazards, "I think Rebecca was fussy for the first couple, but after that she just wanted to chew on stuff."

Steve nods, biting his lip, then leans forward to rest his forehead against the crib. "I'm starting to think he's crying because he wants his mom, and doesn't understand why he can't have her," he admits, and his voice cracks a little the way it usually does whenever he mentions Peggy.

Bucky’s not sure what to say for a moment. Joey is still tiny and it’s possible that he doesn’t remember Peggy anymore, but on the other hand, no one can claim for sure that he doesn’t and neither of those options will make Steve feel better, so he just reaches out to rest his hand on the other man’s shoulder, rubbing it lightly. “He might and he might just be hurting, but either way, you can’t really do anything other than be here for him. And he can’t tell you this yet, but it makes all the difference.”

The smile Steve gives him in response is watery, but real. "I remember when I was a kid growing up, after my dad passed away, my Ma always seemed worried she wasn't doing enough for me. She always was, but I kinda understand that worry now." He sighs, looking back at Joey and when he shifts his weight, either intentionally or by accident, he ends up leaning into Bucky a little. "I know all the doctors and books say I shouldn't let him sleep with me past a year old, but I just want to hold him, Buck."

"So go for it," Bucky says, nudging him lightly. "Who cares what the books say, he’s not feeling well, pick him up and take him to the couch or your bed and cuddle up. You’ll probably both feel better."

"If I make some coffee do you want to stay? We can watch muted TV with subtitles," Steve offers hesitantly and stands to scoop up the crying baby. Joey buries his face in his father's shirt as soon as he’s in his arms, tiny fists clenched in the fabric, and Bucky has to remind himself yet again to suppress the swell of warmth in his stomach, just like he's been doing for weeks, as he watches the two of them.

"Why don’t I make the coffee and you two get comfortable on the couch," Bucky offers and gets up as well. "He doesn’t seem too inclined to let you go right now," he says, nodding to the baby.

As he starts making the coffee, Bucky’s mind mind flashes back to an old trick his mother had used when Rebecca was having teething issues and he goes to grab a washcloth out of the linen closet. He proceeds to wet it under the faucet and then sticks it in the freezer before going back to finishing the coffee. Once it’s done, he carries two mug fulls in one hand, and the cold wet cloth in the other, back into the living room where Steve has settled with Joey against his chest. "Here, let him suck on this, it might help," Bucky offers, holding out the cloth to Steve.

Steve takes the cloth and holds it in front of Joey’s mouth. The baby doesn’t seem too keen on it at first, but then he latches onto the cloth with his hand and sticks it in his mouth, like he does with pretty much everything lately, and he’s still making small displeased sounds every now and then, but it seems to have done the trick. “Yeah? That feel better?” Steve asks, running his fingers over the tuft of hair on top of Joey’s head.

Bucky grins, settling down on the couch next to Steve, and takes a sip of his coffee. "The only problem with that trick is that washcloths warm up pretty fast. Do you have any teething rings, because you can stick them in the freezer and they'll hold the cold longer." He reaches forward to rub a hand down Joey's back, smiling at him while Joey just watches him quietly with his big blue eyes.

"I might. I think Peggy might’ve gotten one for him after the first tooth, but with everything that’s happened I forgot this might still be an issue. Do you mind checking? I wanna say I put it with the pacifiers and the baby bottles, top drawer of the cabinet in his room," Steve says.

Joey is crying again by the time Bucky comes back, holding up a ring of pastel colored plastic toy keys to show Steve, before he darts over to stick them in the freezer quickly.

"Here, baby whisperer, you hold him, maybe that'll help," Steve says desperately, and he looks so lost Bucky kind of just wants to hug him. He scoots close to Steve on the couch, their knees touching, and tucks Joey in against his good shoulder.

Joey latches onto him, but doesn’t stop crying and it breaks Bucky’s heart a little. “It’s okay little man, just gotta tough it out for a while longer till the freezer does its job and then it’ll feel better again, I promise,” he coos at the baby. “It’s gonna be okay.”

"At least it's not just me," Steve sighs, watching Bucky try to soothe his son.

"Nope, he's just feeling things he's not used to. It's probably scary," Bucky agrees. He kisses the top of Joey's head, then smiled at Steve over the baby. "Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but I’m probably gonna call in sick," Steve answers. "It’s already two a.m. and I won’t be able to sleep until he’s better and I’m unfortunately not one of those people who can go to work and function normally on barely any sleep."

Bucky nods, rocking the baby in his arm. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he offers, brow furrowing when Steve snorts out a laugh.

"Bucky, you...you help more than anyone I've ever met. I don't know what I would have done these past couple weeks without you." 

Flushing, Bucky buries his nose in the tuft of hair on Joey's head. Being around Steve and Joey hadn't felt selfless to him, thinking of all the little ways it's helped ground him, so much his VA sponsor and therapist have noticed.

"You could come by again tomorrow though, during the day, if you’re not busy," Steve offers. "I’m gonna have to do some shopping and I don’t think Joey’ll take too kindly to the supermarket. I won’t be long and I can promise a tasty thank you dinner when I get back."

"Of course, yeah, I can do that. You don't even have to bribe me with food," Bucky grins. Joey's stopped crying, reduced to the occasional soft whimper. "Do you want to take him back in case he actually falls asleep?"

Steve seems to hesitate for a minute, and Bucky can guess why. Joey’s finally settled down, and it’s always hard to disturb him when he looks happy and sleepy. Still, he’s a light sleeper, and Bucky knows if he doesn’t pass him off soon, he’ll be on Steve’s couch all night. “Yeah, it’s probably best,” Steve nods and takes the baby from Bucky when he carefully hands him over.

Joey just whines a little, sticking his thumb in his mouth to suck on as he leans into Steve's chest. "You should go to bed," Bucky observes. "I don't care what the books say, letting him sleep with you for one night won't hurt anything, and it'll probably be the only way either of you sleep."

"You’re probably right," Steve sighs. "Thanks for coming over to check up on us, it means a lot. And I know you said it’s okay, but I’m still sorry we keep you up so often."

“It’s all right, he’s a baby, he can’t really help it,” Bucky smiles. “I should probably go, so you two can give sleeping another try.”

“Probably,” Steve agrees, though he seems reluctant. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Definitely,” Bucky grins. “Hope the rest of the night goes more smoothly.”  
____

Joey generally keeps up a pretty constant stream of babble.

They talk to him and he makes sounds back at them, and they talk some more, but apart from “Dada,” pretty much all he’s got to give is babble. Bucky knows it worries Steve sometimes, that he’s lagging a little behind in speech, but everything Steve’s explained to him sounds like it’s a fairly reasonable side effect of grief.

It doesn't stop Steve from worrying, of course it doesn't, and Bucky's heart breaks a little every time he sees that look of self doubt on Steve's face.

It occurs to him about two months into their friendship, that it's probably a little unusual how invested he is in Steve's life, in Steve's happiness, but he can't help himself. Steve is so kind and funny and smart. He likes the same things Bucky does, they can talk about anything and nothing at all, and even sitting next to each other and not saying anything feels better than most other things in Bucky's life at the moment. Steve makes him feel safe and welcome and Bucky... Bucky's not stupid, he knows what that means, but he's not entirely sure it's a good thing.

Still, it’s not enough to make him pull himself out of Steve’s orbit. He knows better than to say anything, but he’s willing to stuff down his own feelings in exchange for everything good they bring into his life, for Joey’s cuddles and Steve’s laughter and their matching smiles.

He knows how important they are to him, but for some reason, it never really occurs to him that he might mean as much to them. Not until one morning when he’s over, feeding Joey while Steve gets ready for work, and Joey grins and reaches for him and says “Bu-EE.”

They think it's just baby babble at first, but Joey keeps looking right at Bucky and says "Bu-EEE" and makes the grabby hands which is his way of saying ‘pick me up now please.’ Bucky looks at him, stunned and wide-eyed, and then at Steve and then back to Joey, and then moves to pick him up, hoping that Steve can't tell his hands are shaking slightly. “He said my name,” he says in wonder.

And Steve's smiling, a little wet-eyed, as he steps close to run his hand across the soft blond hair on his son's head. "You take care of him," he points out. "'course he's gonna know your name."

"Yeah, but I didn't think-" Bucky says and swallows heavily as he looks down and sees Joey grinning up at him. He loves this kid so much and as he looks back to Steve he chokes up even more because god, he loves both of them so much.

"You're practically family, Buck," Steve says, quietly, and it makes Bucky’s heart skip to think that maybe it’s not just him. Maybe he’s not the only one feeling this pull. Swallowing, he tips his head onto Steve's shoulder because if he has to keep looking at him he's probably gonna lose it.

After a beat, Steve shifts to put his arm around Bucky's shoulders, and when Bucky can’t help but sag into him a little more, he wraps his other arm around him too, careful of the baby between them, and they just stand like that for a long moment.

Then Joey starts to fuss, because he's crawling up a storm these days, and only wants to be held right now when he's tired or upset. Bucky makes himself pull back and deposit the baby on the ground, both of them watching as Joey crawls his way over to the pile of toys in the living room.

“I have to go to work,” Steve laments, almost pouting, and Bucky laughs. 

“We’ll be here when you get back,” he promises, and pretends he doesn’t really love the idea of being the thing Steve comes home too.

___

As October winds down, Steve’s project load at work increases, and he ends up spending a couple of late nights at the office. Bucky’s happy to pick up the slack, likes spending time with Joey, really ridiculously likes seeing Steve every night, even if he tries not to think about it too much.

He tries the best he can to keep Steve as up to date as possible, texting him throughout the day and sending pictures occasionally.

It's about the time Joey needs to be woken up from his nap, so Bucky puts down the book he’s reading and tiptoes to the nursery. He figures he can snap a pic of him sleeping to send to Steve and he's already got his phone out and aimed before he's standing over the crib, when he hears the baby snuffle.

"Bu'ee," Joey murmurs softly, so soft Bucky thinks he might be imagining it, but when he steps closer, the baby's eyes are still closed, and he appears to be talking in his sleep. Bucky has to bite his lip so he doesn’t wake the baby, and takes the picture.

He sends it to Steve, then scoops Joey up and cuddles him. He's planning to wake him up, but Joey just snuggles into Bucky's chest. Steve sends back a text full of smiley faces and an _'I wish I was there instead of stuck at work :('_ , and Bucky reads it, listening to Joey mumble in his sleep.

Bucky ends up walking around the apartment a bit, holding the baby close, and rubbing his back as he sleeps. He loves the idea of Joey dreaming about him, that he's that much a part of Joey's life, but thinking that feels weird.

Joey starts stirring a few moments later and when he blinks his eyes open and notices Bucky, he smiles before he lets out the most adorable yawn.

"Hey buddy," Bucky coos, kissing his nose. Joey giggles and Bucky grins, kissing the baby's nose, cheek, forehead just to make him squeal with delight. "You ready for dinner, sweetheart?"

Joey grabs at Bucky's shirt and puts it in his mouth and Bucky takes that as a yes. In the ongoing effort to introduce Joey to new solid foods, tonight they're trying mashed potatoes and carrots.

He seems to like the mashed potatoes, but doesn't seem too thrilled with bowl of steamed carrots. Bucky can't really blame him, but that doesn't make it more fun when Joey tries to smack the spoon out of his hands. "Look, you can't eat just potatoes and peas," Bucky tries to reason. "Come on, if you eat some carrots, I'll give you applesauce."

Joey seems to perk up at the mention of applesauce, but he makes a face and refuses to open his mouth when Bucky tries to feed him another spoonful of mushy carrot. Bucky keeps trying and Joey is clearly not on board as he surprised Bucky with a loud, "No!"

Bucky blinks in surprise, his hand freezing partway to Joey's mouth. Joey giggles, clearly thrilled at having produced a reaction (and having stalled the forcing of carrots into his mouth, no doubt). "No," he says again, delighted, and Bucky puts down the spoon, scrambling to get his phone.

He calls Steve and after a few rings the other man answers, sounding harried. "Hey Buck, is it an emergency, because I'm a little busy here," he says and Bucky feels a bit guilty, but he holds out his phone toward Joey who is still giggling and saying ‘No’ every few seconds and then puts it back to his ear. 

"That would be your son telling me no when I try to feed him mushy carrots."

"WHAT?!" Steve's shout is loud enough that Bucky has to pull the phone away from his ear, making a face at Joey, who giggles at him, reaching out and making grabby hands at the phone and his father's voice. "Oh my god, that's his first word. His first word is 'No', oh god." 

Bucky chuckles. "I think it is for most kids, I wouldn’t read too much into it."

"Thank you for calling me," Steve says and his voice sounds a little shaky. "God, I wish I could just come home right now, but I still have at least two hours of work to get through."

"Well, he might still be saying it when you get home," Bucky says wryly, watching Joey happily pat the table and say 'No, no, no, no' with glee. "I'm not entirely sure he knows exactly what it means, come to think of it."

Steve laughs. "He probably doesn't, but he'll learn. My little baby is growing up," he sighs. "I'm gonna go now, try to get this finished as soon as possible. Try the carrots again and I think I might have some other baby food in the fridge if he really won't eat it."

"Daddy wants you to eat more veggies," Bucky tells Joey, picking up the spoon again. Joey says 'No,' again, but lets Bucky spoon soggy orange chunks into his mouth. "I know they're gross like this, trust me, they get better when you have more teeth."

Joey makes a face, but eats a few more spoonfuls of the steamed carrots before he's apparently had enough. As promised, Bucky gives him some applesauce next, which goes down much more enthusiastically.

Bucky's reluctant to put Joey down for the night before Steve gets home, but bath time has come and gone and it's almost seven o'clock, and Joey's mostly asleep against Bucky's chest, sucking his own thumb and whining intermittently.

Steve rushes in when Bucky is just about to call it a night and put the baby in his crib and he looks from Bucky to Joey, his face falling a little. "I came as quick as I could, but I guess baby sleep waits for no man," he says as he walks closer and strokes his hand over Joey's head.

"He quieted down during bath time anyway," Bucky says quietly. Joey fusses, reaching his hands out for his father, and Steve reaches forward, taking the sleepy baby into his arms. "I'm sorry," Bucky says quietly, placing his hand on Joey's back. "Sorry I was here and you didn't get to be."

"That's okay," Steve says, rocking Joey a little so he'll quiet down. "I'm not happy I missed it, but if it had to be someone else, I'm glad it was you. That sounded less sappy in my head, sorry," he chuckles.

"Sappy's okay," Bucky says, smiling. "Go put him to bed. I'll make us adult food. And by 'make us' I probably mean 'order take-out'."

"Take-out sounds awesome," Steve laughs and leans in to hug Bucky quickly before he carries Joey to his bedroom. "You had quite the day today, huh?" he says quietly and gets a sleepy murmur in return. Bucky watches them walk away, swallowing down the lump in his throat, longing to follow them, to tuck himself into Steve’s side and hold Joey close.

Bucky's picking up baby toys scattered around the living room when Steve walks out. He smiles softly, dropping the toys in his hands into Joey's play pen and walks over. "Hey," he says with a grin. "Didn't get to say hello to you properly yet."

"Hi," Steve says and wraps his arms around Bucky's shoulders in a hug, squeezing tight and then letting him go. “I wish I could have been here today.”

"It wasn't a very exciting day until dinner time," Bucky assures him. "We went for a walk to the park, watched some pigeons. Joey took a nap and I did my PT exercise without my arm falling off. There may or may not have been some swearing involved, but I'm fairly confident he was asleep."

Steve laughs. "His first word was no, I'm pretty much counting on him learning a swear word or two sometime down the road and I'll probably find it hilarious while also panicking that he'll say it in front of my ma or when we're out grocery shopping."

"You'll just have to teach him that swearing stays in the fucking house," Bucky says with a smirk, and Steve laughs warmly.

___

Steve has to put in some overtime at work because of a new client and Bucky has a series of bad days, which results in them going about a week without really seeing each other. Bucky’s been watching Joey still, but the late nights pretty much mean he passes the baby off and Steve puts him to bed, and they barely have time to speak.

Bucky misses him, he’ll admit it to himself, even if he’d have a hard time admitting it to Steve. He misses his friend, and he misses the way he feels around Steve, relaxed and calm and happy. But he doesn’t know how to say anything about it.

The next day is another late night for Steve, but instead of leaving as soon as the other man gets home, this time Bucky lingers. He passes Joey off to Steve, who takes him with a smile and walks off into the nursery, then puts away Joey's toys and carries all the dirty dishes to the sink. Looking around, he tries to come up with a reason that would let him stay for a while longer, but he can't think of anything. 

He's just about to go find Steve and say goodbye, when the man in question walks into the living room, dressed in comfy looking sweats and looking better than anyone has a right to after a long day at work.

"Thanks for sticking around this late, you must be tired," Steve smiles.

“Nah, I’m fine,” Bucky says with a shrug. “I could stay longer if you wanted to hang out?” he asks awkwardly, feeling ridiculous.

“I’d like that,” Steve agrees, smiling. “I just have to give Joey a bath first.”

Joey’s too small to run away from Steve or make much of a fuss, but he still makes bath time hell sometimes. According to Steve, Joey rarely pitches a fit about having to _take_ a bath, but from what Bucky can see he seems to think it’s a game that involves splashing water at his father and wiggling around a lot. 

Bucky follows them into the bathroom, since hanging around in the living room by himself still feels a little awkward, and perches on the toilet while Steve does his level best to wash the baby without getting too much water on the floor. He ends up laughing at them both, but mostly at Steve, who’s soaked through and has foam in his hair.

Bucky's hand goes to his phone almost on autopilot and he means to take a picture, but Steve and Joey both look so happy and ridiculous, and he switches to video and films them instead. Steve washes the tuft of hair on Joey's head, one hand cupped against Joey’s eyes to protect him from soap, while the baby leaves wet handprints all over his shirt.

“My sister hated baths,” Bucky says absently, watching Joey giggle in delight when Steve gives him a shampoo mohawk. “Sometimes I’d end up bathing her if my parents were working late, and she’d scream and cry until she was too tired to really fight anymore.”

"Joey's always loved baths," Steve smiles. "I was always on bath duty, it only seemed fair since Peggy was with him all day when I was at work, but it turned out that was the only time where he didn't cry and scream his lungs out when he had to spend time with me."

Bucky smiles a little, feeling a swell of affection for Steve, who’s finished all the actual washing of the baby that is required. Now he’s just pushing a toy boat around in the water, making motor noises with his lips as Joey laughs and claps. He aches a little for Steve, always so concerned that he isn’t enough for Joey, that the baby doesn’t like him. Bucky spends enough time taking care of him that Joey doesn’t fuss as much when Steve leaves these days, but there’s still always a period of sniffles and whining. Bucky knows how much Joey loves his father, even if sometimes Steve can’t see it.

Bucky puts the phone away when Steve starts emptying the bath water, making himself useful by grabbing a towel and passing it over to Steve. Joey, who started fussing as soon as the amusing toys and water went away, starts wriggling around in his father’s arms, and latches on tight to Steve as soon as he gets the towel around him. Concerned, Bucky steps forward to help Steve get Joey wrapped up, and Joey clings even tighter to Steve. “What’s up, little one, huh?” Bucky, asks soothingly, stroking his hand across Joey’s wet hair. 

Joey hides his face in his father’s neck, little fits curled in the damp material of Steve’s shirt, and doesn’t answer, not even a babble. Bucky sighs, stepping back out of the bathroom and Steve follows him out, carrying the baby into the nursery. Bucky shuts off the lights in the bathroom, giving them a minute to get settled before going in after them.

“He was kinda clingy and quiet today,” Bucky admits. “He seemed fine after you got home, so I figured he was just missing you, but maybe he’s having a bad day. Do babies have bad days?”

"I didn't used to think they did, but yeah," Steve says quietly, running a soothing hand down Joey's back. "I read a lot of articles on babies and grief and similar stuff and he's too small to understand fully, but he knows that Peggy is gone and he needs time to process, too."

“Poor little guy,” Bucky says gently, stepping in close enough to brush the knuckles of his flesh and blood hand down Joey’s back. The baby turns to look at him, and he smiles softly, saying, “Hi buddy.” Joey reaches out toward him, and Bucky reaches back, lets Joey curl his little fist around Bucky’s finger. “Sorry I wasn’t who you wanted today.”

"I know you wanted to hang out, but - You okay with sitting with him until he falls asleep? I don't wanna put him down and leave him by himself just yet," Steve says hesitantly.

“Course I don’t mind,” Bucky assures him. “I mean, I can go make food if you want to sit with him by yourself, I don’t-”

“I wanted to spend the evening with you,” Steve cuts him off, smiling even as he bounces the baby on his hip. “I’ve been looking forward to it. You don’t have to go unless you want to.” 

Bucky smiles, whispers “Okay,” and sits down on the floor next to the crib while Steve puts Joey in. Steve sits down as well and pushes his fingers through the bars and Joey immediately latches on. 

"It's okay buddy, we'll stay right here with you until you fall asleep. You're not alone," he says softly.

Bucky hums softly, tipping his head against the slats of the crib so he can see Steve’s face. It’s soft, full of devotion and love, and it makes Bucky smile. “Fatherhood is a good look for you,” he says, then bites his lip. That’s definitely on the edge of being too forward, too flirty, and he’s trying, he really is, to be respectful. No matter how much he likes Steve.

Steve tips his head down as he smiles and he can't quite hide the way his cheeks go a little pink. "Thanks, I guess," he says, because he's a dork who never learned how to take a compliment. 

It’s kind of adorable, Bucky can’t help but think to himself. 

"The laid back, well slept in hoodie and jeans look works for you, too," Steve says, and there’s a teasing glint in his eye that makes something warm and happy roll over in Bucky’s stomach.

Bucky laughs, quietly in deference to the sleepy baby next to them. “We may have napped together earlier,” he admits, fondly remembering falling asleep on the couch with Joey zonked out on his chest. “You should see me rocking a spit-up covered t-shirt, though, that's when I really shine."

"Oh yeah, I can totally see it, nothing like baby vomit to really give you that wow factor," Steve chuckles. "I know I say it a lot, but I'm so grateful that you're helping me out, I really couldn't do this without you," he says a moment later when they've both sobered up.

“You could,” Bucky says confidently, but softens it with a smile. “But you don’t have to. I’m glad to help. It actually -” he starts, then bites his lip, cutting himself off. Steve makes a curious noise, nudging Bucky’s leg with his foot to urge him on, and Bucky sighs. “My therapist thinks it’s helping me too, to have something to do other than go to PT and group. I think she meant for me to get a dog, but...” he trails off, trying to make it into a joke, not show how uncomfortable he feels talking about this.

"You accidentally picked up a baby instead," Steve smiles. "I'm glad it helps you too. I mean, not that you need any kind of payoff for doing this, but I'm happy you're doing better." 

Bucky nods again shyly, thinking about the days when dragging himself out of bed for anything less than a bomb exploding didn’t seem worth the colossal effort it would take. Dragging himself out of bed to come over here and snuggle Joey tight and listen to Steve talk, watch their twin smiles light up.... that’s worth a lot of effort, as far as he’s concerned. Feeling like he can help them somehow, take care of either of them in any way, well. That was worth pretty much everything.

“He’s a really great kid, Steve,” Bucky says softly, turning to look back in at the baby, who’s still watching them with big blue eyes. “I know he’s still really little, but he’s such a sweetheart. You’re lucky.”

Steve smiles, glancing back at his son. “Must get it from his mom,” Steve jokes, and Bucky rolls his eyes, punching Steve lightly on the shoulder.

They stay sitting on the floor and talking softly for almost an hour before they notice Joey is fast asleep, and Steve offers Bucky a hand after he's pulled himself up. "I think I might be getting a little old for this," he jokes as his knee pops when he walks out of the room.

“How old are you?” Bucky asks, trailing after Steve with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “It’s kinda weird I don’t know that, right?”

Steve chuckles from inside the fridge where he’s rooting around. “Well, it never came up. I’m twenty-six,” he says, straightening up with a handful of veggies. “How about you? And is stir fry all right?”

Bucky nods, leaning against the counter. “It’s fine, let me know if I can help. And I’m twenty-seven.”

"No it's okay, I got it, take a load off, get a beer and sit down," Steve tells him with a smile. Bucky gives him a look and he knows Steve won't let him help because he took care of Joey today, but he chooses not to argue and gets two beer bottles out of the fridge instead, opening them both up and placing one on the counter within easy reach for Steve. They fall into comfortable conversation, and Bucky can feel himself unknotting slowly, relaxing into this easy friendship faster than he can ever make himself relax alone. 

 

Steve laughs brightly at something Bucky says, head tilted back and shoulders shaking, and yeah, Bucky thinks. This is worth pretty much everything.

___

The next morning Bucky heads over to Steve's apartment as usual, but when Steve answers the door, he's not dressed in his work clothes like he usually is by this time It looks like he hasn't even combed his hair yet, bits of it sticking all over the place, and there's a look of deep-seated worry on his face.

"What's wrong?" Bucky asks, worry settling in his own stomach as he follows Steve inside.

"It's Joey. He's sick," Steve answers and leads them both into the baby's room. "He woke up in the middle of the night crying and I thought it was the usual, he just needed to be held, but he was warm when I picked him up and he’s got a runny nose.

“Oh, poor baby,” Bucky coos, leaning over the edge of the crib. Joey’s wrapped up in his blanket and whimpering intermittently, not sitting up or standing up like he usually is in the morning. When Bucky brushes his finger across Joey’s cheek, he’s warm to the touch.

“Have you given him anything?” Bucky asks, and Steve shakes his head.

“My mom says I could give him half an ibuprofen if I can get him to eat something, but he won’t.”

Bucky frowns, he knows not wanting to eat isn't the best of signs, but there's no need to worry Steve just yet. "Maybe he will in a while, you should give it some time," he says reassuringly.

Joey looks absolutely miserable and Steve isn't looking any better himself. It's probably a given that Steve's not going anywhere today, but Bucky still asks. "I'm guessing you're taking a day off today?"

"Definitely," Steve answers, running a hand through his hair which only messes it up more. "I trust you with him, but I won't be able to concentrate on anything if I go in today."

“Do you want me to stay?” Bucky asks him, reaching out and stopping just shy of touching Steve.

Steve nods, scrubbing his hand over his face, and then reaches out for Bucky. He laces their fingers together, tugs a little and Bucky lets himself be pulled in, hugging Steve. “It’s gonna be okay, Steve, I promise.”

Steve nods, and then pulls away to look back at Joey. “If this gets worse, I’m going to take him to the hospital. I was sick a lot when I was his age, I don’t want to risk…”

"Steve, it'll be fine," Bucky says and squeezes his arm in support. "Right now it's just a fever and a runny nose, nothing dangerous. You can relax, go lie down a little if you like, maybe eat something yourself."

Steve shakes his head. "I don't think I can," he says, voice shaky, and Bucky's heart breaks a little. "I've had to deal with a shitty immune system and asthma most of my life, if it gets bad, every second counts and I can't... can't go and have a nap knowing it might happen at any second. I need to be here if it does."

Bucky bits his lip, feeling helpless. He wants to tell Steve that he needs to get some sleep, wants to be able to assure him Joey will be fine but he can’t. “Wait until noon to see if his fever keeps getting worse. If it does, you can take him in,” Bucky reasons, and Steve nods.

“Do you think it’ll bother him if I hold him?” he asks meekly, and Bucky’s heart aches.

“No, I think I’ll probably make him feel safer if you do.”

Steve hesitates a little, but then reaches into the crib and carefully lifts Joey and cradles him to his chest. Joey makes a whining noise and gets agitated when that prompts a sneeze and gets snot all over his mouth. His face screws up and he starts wailing loudly and Steve hurries to get a tissue out of the box on the changing table.

"It's okay sweetheart, it's all right, it's just a little snot. We'll get that wiped away quickly," he tries to soothe, but Joey starts wiggling in his grip, moving his face away every time Steve tries to bring the tissue close to his mouth.

Bucky watches them struggle, feeling hollow in the pit of his stomach. For the first time he doesn’t have a trick to offer, some secret baby magic that will make this okay. Sick kids are always miserable, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“I’ll make you some breakfast,” he offers awkwardly, leaving Steve to try to soothe Joey.

When the afternoon rolls around and Joey’s fever is still reading really high, Steve makes the call to take him into the hospital. Bucky wants to go, he’s used to being in hospitals with all the work done on his arm, but he’s pretty sure they won’t let him in, and he doesn’t want to put Steve through that. He hates it though, hates that the most claim he’s got to feel worried about Joey is babysitter.

He goes back to his own apartment when Steve and Joey are ready to leave for the hospital, thinking he might read a book, finish the sudoku puzzle that's been sitting on his coffee table for days, but he ends up pacing the length of his living room and then throws himself into cleaning just to have something to do with all of the nervous energy.

His kitchen is spotless by the time there's a knock on his door and he practically runs to answer it. Steve's standing on the other side when he opens it, looking about a thousand times worse than he did a few hours ago and most noticeably, without Joey in his arms.

“They wanted to keep him overnight for observation,” Steve starts, before Bucky can even ask. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, looking lost. “His fever’s not dropping and they’re concerned he’s losing fluids, and it turned respiratory and if he gets pneumonia he could die. Buck, I don’t know what to do… I can’t be alone but my Ma sent me home to sleep.”

Steve looks so terrified and alone, and god, Bucky just wants to hold him. He steps back, pulling Steve into his apartment, and gets half way through asking if he wants anything to drink before he gives up on normality and just pulls Steve into a hug. Steve fucking crumples, folding into Bucky’s arms, shoulders shaking. Bucky can’t tell if Steve’s crying or not, but he soothes him as best he can.

“Come on, you should lie down,” he says gently but firmly, guiding Steve toward his bedroom.

He makes Steve sit down on his bed and helps him take his shoes off before nudging him to lie down. He goes to put the shoes away, but Steve grasps his arm firmly, looks at him with such distress on his face, Bucky just drops them back on the floor and crawls into bed with Steve, putting a comforting arm around him.

Steve is obviously worn out, his eyes sliding shut, but he keeps blinking them open stubbornly and Bucky sighs. “Get some sleep Steve,” he say gently, running his fingers through the other man’s hair, and Steve finally gives up and slumps into Bucky’s body, his face tucked against Bucky's shoulder, and after a moment he can feel his shirt getting wet as Steve sobs quietly.

"It's okay sweetheart, just let it out," Bucky says softly and keeps petting his hair. He's worried too, but he can't even imagine what Steve must be feeling right now. It's no one's fault Joey got sick, but he knows the other man well enough to know Steve is blaming himself, for not taking care of his son better, for giving him his sickly genes in the first place.

It takes a while for Steve to calm down and Bucky does his best to comfort him, let him know that it’s safe to fall apart. It seems to help as a few moments later Steve’s sob’s taper out and he seems to have fallen asleep. Bucky moves only to arrange them into a more comfortable position and he dozes off a bit as well, until Steve’s phone goes off and he scrambles to answer it before the ringing wakes the other man up.

He answers the phone quietly, rolling away from Steve as an extra precaution. It’s Sarah with an update on Joey and Bucky sighs in relief when she tells him the good news: Joey’s going to be all right. 

"Yes, I'll tell him when he wakes up," Bucky is saying when Steve starts stirring and Sarah’s already saying her goodbyes by the time he rolls around to blink up at Bucky. 

"Hey Sleeping Beauty, nap time over already?" he says fondly, and can’t help but reach forward to brush a strand of hair off his forehead.

"Is he okay?" Steve asks, and all the calm in him seems to drain away to be replaced by the earlier tension and worry, and Bucky hurries to lay his fears to rest.

"He's fine, his fever broke. They're still going to keep him overnight to make sure nothing's wrong, but he's out of the woods now."

"Oh thank God," Steve says and his entire body sags forward, like a huge weight has been taken off him, and his eyes are welling up again, but this time he’s smiling. "He's okay, my little boy's okay," he says and hugs Bucky to him tightly.

"He is," Bucky assures, laughing a little as Steve tackles him backward in the hug, sprawling them out backward and diagonally toward the foot of the bed. Steve pulls back and props his arms up either side of Bucky’s head, grinning down at him like sunshine incarnate, and Bucky feels a huge swell of affection for him, for this man who loves so fully and so deeply.

They keep staring at each other and Steve’s grin gradually softens into something more gentle, vulnerable, and his eyes keep darting to Bucky’s mouth. Bucky swallows heavily, his heart thudding in his chest as he watches Steve’s face, waits for his next move. He knows what he’s hoping for, but he doesn’t dare make the first move in case he’s reading this wrong. He’s not, because a moment later Steve leans in and presses his lips softly against his own. 

Bucky shivers, just a little, because he's dreamt about kissing Steve for weeks, in so many different ways, under so many different circumstances. And this, this slow, soft, wet drag of lips together, this is better than anything he imagined, rocking him down to his core. He threads his fingers through Steve's hair, using all the restraint he can muster not to wrap his leg around Steve's hips and hold him close.

Steve exhales shakily against his mouth and shifts his head a little, slotting their lips together more easily. Bucky’s been holding this in for so long now, so afraid of fucking it up between them, but now that they're here, finally kissing, it feels so right, feels like coming home.

He could easily get lost in this, in the taste of Steve's lips when he darts his tongue forward, or the hitch of breath when Bucky opens his own mouth invitingly. But Steve has been through so much, was so upset just hours ago, and he has to pull back, has to check in. "Hang on, Stevie," he whispers against Steve's lips, "Just a minute, okay?"

"Why? What's wrong?" Steve asks, looking a little dazed, but then his face clears and he pulls back instantly. "Shit, sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -" he apologizes and rolls off of Bucky quickly.

“Hey, come back here, no," Bucky protests, reaching out and tugging Steve back to his chest with a soft 'oof'. "I've been wanting to be close to you like this for weeks, but you've had a really hard day. I don't want..." Bucky trails off, biting his lip, then lifts his hand to stroke through the soft hair on Steve's forehead. "I don't want you to do this because you were scared, and I was here, and you're all hopped up on adrenaline."

Steve takes a breath, closes his eyes and leans into the touch momentarily before he looks back at Bucky, face serious. "To be honest, that's what I thought it was first. I thought I was drawn to you because I was lonely and you were here and helping me and you're so good with Joey... but after a while I realized it was more than that and that was somehow worse, because it felt like I was betraying Peggy, having feelings for you so shortly after she died. It didn't make them go away though, and I don't want them to go away anymore."

Bucky can feel his heart jump in his chest, a hopeful little smile pushing onto his lips. "I'm not trying to take her place, for you or for Joey. I could never do that. But, God, Steve, you gotta know much you mean to me. How much you, both of you, have helped me."

Steve leans into him for another quick kiss before he says empathically, "You've helped us too, you helped me so much, I really don't know what I would have done without you."

"You'd have done just fine, because you're a good man, and an amazing father," Bucky says confidently, but softens it with another soft kiss. "Lucky for both of us, though, you didn't have to."

Steve grins and leans in to nuzzle at Bucky's cheek, and Bucky lets him move them around until Steve’s comfortably curled up against his chest. "So, now that we're on the same page I think I should probably take you out on a date."

"You mean the kind that doesn't involve high chairs and diaper bags?" Bucky says with a feigned gasp. "Why, Mr. Rogers, I'm not sure I know how to handle that kind of scandalous suggestion."

"I can always take you to the park on Sunday and we can gaze at each other longingly over Joey's head as he gets excited about the ducks, if that's more your cup of tea," Steve offers.

"Is it bad that that actually sounds kind of fun to me?" Bucky asks, and when Steve laughs, bright and open, Bucky feels something warm and liquid settle into his stomach. Carefully, he rolls them over, leaning down to kiss Steve again. It’s addictive, the taste of his lips, the way they feel. "But so does leaving him with your mom and going to dinner and a movie."

"There’s nothing saying we can’t do both," Steve smiles. "But not until I’m sure Joey’s really better. Gonna treat you to a few more couch dates and take-out dinners before that. Might even let you cop a feel once the baby is asleep," he jokes.

“You drive a hard bargain Mr. Rogers, but I’ll take it,” Bucky grins and pulls Steve in for another kiss. 

___

Steve ends up taking him on both of those dates. First a dinner and a movie, just the two of them while Sarah watches the baby, and it's both weird and nice to spend time alone without Joey present.

The park happens a few days later and the ducks are an instant success with the baby and they spend hours feeding them while Joey squeals in excitement.

They go on other dates, but they're few and far between. Not that Bucky minds, he likes spending time at Steve's apartment. He feels comfortable there, feels relaxed and free from judgement there. Free enough that one night after Joey’s gone to bed and Steve’s finishing up in the kitchen, Bucky plays some swing music on the living room stereo.

“What’s this?” Steve asks, toweling off his hands and walking into the living room.

“Lester Brown,” Bucky says with a grin, starting to dance by himself. “You don’t know Jazz?”

“Can't really say that I do, no," Steve says and leans against the doorjamb, just watching, and Bucky dances closer to him.

"That's a real shame Steve. You're really missing out," he says and holds out a hand to the other man, wanting him to join in.

"Oh no, we're not doing that. I can't dance at all, got two left feet," Steve laughs and holds his hands up in front of himself.

"C'mon, everyone can dance, it's not that hard. 'sides, it's just me, no one's watching, who cares if you suck?"

“Peggy always complained I stepped on her feet,” Steve says shyly, and he’s got that melancholy look on his face, like he always does when he mentions Peggy, so Bucky takes his hand and smiles at him in understanding. “Bet she did that to make you blush,” he teases after a moment, swaying a little and tugging on Steve’s hand.

Steve sighs, sounding all put upon, and Bucky can see that very same blush spread over his face as he lets Bucky pull him closer. Bucky automatically twines their fingers together and puts his right hand on Steve's waist. Steve raises an eyebrow. "Just taking the lead, huh?"

“Do you know how to swing dance?” Bucky asks pointedly, and when Steve laughs and shakes his head says, “Okay then. I lead.”

“How do you know how to swing dance?” Steve asks, eyes fixed on their feet as Bucky tries to lead them over the living room floor. Steve wasn’t entirely lying about being bad at this, but Bucky’s making it work. “Was there a lot of call for that in the army?”

“My sister Catie wanted to learn, growing up. So, being the good big brother I am, we took a class together. She was awful,” Bucky says with a cheerful grin. “But I liked it so I stuck with it.”

"I totally wouldn't have pegged you for someone who was into this stuff when we first met," Steve comments and Bucky laughs. 

"What can I say, I've got a lot of layers. Like an onion," he grins and then tries to twirl Steve. It turns out to be a bad idea as Steve’s legs tangle a little and he loses his footing, nearly face planting into the floor, but Bucky grabs him before that can happen.

"Told you I was bad at this," he grumbles when Bucky has him safely tucked into his side.

“Totally awful. Utterly hopeless. I’m amazed you even get your shoes on the right feet,” Bucky says cheerfully, stepping away from Steve to show off some fancy footwork before he swings back in.

“Don’t need to be mean about it,” Steve grumbles, playful and mock hurt, and Bucky laughs brightly, ceaseless motion finally coming to a halt as he stops and pulls Steve in, loops his arms around Steve’s shoulders.

“Maybe we just need to play something slow,” he murmurs.

"Slow, huh? I think I could deal with slow," Steve says as he puts his hands on Bucky's waist. The music around them is still lively and upbeat, but neither of them moves to switch the song to something else. They just look at each other for a moment and then Bucky starts swaying them gently from side to side and Steve pulls him in closer, so they're chest to chest.

"See? You can totally dance," Bucky says softly, his eyes fixed on Steve's as their feet shuffle along the floor and he turns them in a slow circle.

“Does this count?” Steve asks, and Bucky grins, bumping their noses together.

“Totally counts,” Bucky says sagely, brushing his nose along Steve’s jaw, and smiles when he feels Steve shiver at the touch. Steve tugs him a little closer, closing all the space between them from chest to hip, and Bucky hums a little and runs his flesh and blood fingers through the short hair on the back of Steve’s head. “Dancing’s just about how your body moves with someone else’s. Finding a rhythm with them.”

"Rhythm, yeah..." Steve agrees, his voice sounding a little breathy, and Bucky’s heart skips a bit at the desire clearly written over his face. His eyes slide shut as Steve leans forward to close the last bit of space between them and when he kisses Bucky softly, shivers skate down his spine.

Bucky presses right back, his lips sliding slowly against Steve's, and they're still swaying to and fro, although Steve is starting to lose all momentum until he gradually slows them to a halt.

They part with a soft slick sound that makes Bucky shiver pleasantly, drawing in breath. One of Steve’s hands has slid off his waist to his lower back, and now he’s rubbing a circle there with his wide warm palm, making Bucky’s knees feel weak. “C’mere,” Steve says softly, the other hand releasing Bucky’s waist to brush his cheek, then curl tenderly around his jaw, guiding him back into a slow, deep kiss.

Bucky melts into the slow slide of their lips, the way Steve flicks his tongue against his, languid and easy, like they have all the time in the world. His body feels tingly and he wants to be closer, have more of Steve, more of this floaty feeling in his chest.

They have to stop to breathe a few moments later, to both of their displeasure, but Steve keeps kissing on him, his cheeks, his jaw, moving lower to press wet kisses into his neck and it makes Bucky shiver.

"Maybe... maybe we should... couch?" he rasps.

“Mmmmhm,” Steve hums, and while he walks them blindly back toward the couch, he doesn’t stop kissing on Bucky, touching him sweetly. It’s making Bucky’s heart race, god, he can’t remember the last time he wanted to be with someone this bad. Wanted someone this bad.

The couch hits the back of Bucky’s knees and he sits instinctively, breaking away from Steve as he does so. Steve’s looking down at him, lips red with friction and eyes gone dark, looking at Bucky like he wants to eat him alive.

"Look at you," Steve says reverently and reaches out, running his fingers through Bucky's hair slowly, the innocent touch enough to make his breath catch in his throat, he's so wired.

"Me? God, look at _you_ ," Bucky says and brings his hands up to rest on Steve's waist. He's wearing a pair of worn looking sweatpants and a white t-shirt, his usual attire when he doesn't have anywhere to be, and he looks gorgeous. Bucky can't help but run his thumbs over the bit of skin showing where the shirt is rucked up a little and he grins when he can feel goosebumps raise in their wake.

Steve’s hands come down to rest on his, and for the first time in a long while he’s acutely aware of the odd sensation feedback of flesh-on-metal from his prosthetic. He’s mostly gotten used to the feeling, but now he’s self-consciously aware of the metal arm, and he feels a prickle of unease run down his spine at the realization that Steve’s never seen him without his shirt on. No one but his doctors have, for that matter.

Steve distracts him quickly enough, though, by settling down onto the couch next to him and tugging him in for another searing kiss, slow and deep and open. He focuses on Steve, sliding his hands under Steve’s shirt and exploring his torso, his skin incredibly soft over ripples of muscle.

Steve lets him touch as much as he likes, presses his body into Bucky's hands when his fingers trail over a particularly sensitive spot, and Bucky makes sure to remember them, plans to revisit them later with his mouth.

He's so lost in his exploration, it doesn't register at first when Steve tugs at his shirt a little, moves his hands to the hem, and he sighs when Steve's fingers slide over the naked skin of his back. But then they start moving up and Bucky goes rigid without really meaning to. He's still clothed, but If Steve goes any higher, he'll be able to feel the scars.

Steve can read it in his body language, of course he can, stops immediately and goes to pull away. Bucky makes a sound of protest, catching Steve’s arm to keep him close, even when he draws back to look at Bucky, concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asks, thumbs stroking the skin on either side of Bucky’s spine. “Too fast? We don’t have to do this right now.”

“I know,” Bucky assures him.

"We could slow down, there's no rush," Steve says, but Bucky is already shaking his head.

"No, I like what we're doing, it's good, feels good," he tries to reassure. "I was just caught off guard is all." It's not a complete lie, he was caught off guard, but for a different reason than Steve likely thinks. He's aware that trying to hide this from Steve is stupid, he's going to see it if they keep going, and Bucky really does want to keep going, but he's gotten used to not talking about it with Steve. It's unfair, he knows this. Steve doesn't keep a lot of things from him, but Bucky doesn't want that ugly part of him here, in this safe space where he gets to feel normal like he rarely does anymore.

For a minute he thinks he’s gotten away with it, that Steve’s gonna let it go, when he leans back in. The kisses are sweeter now, not as deep, a slow slide of lips, and they make Bucky shiver in a whole different way. God, how many different ways are there to be kissed?

Then Steve tugs gently on Bucky’s shirt, a clear request to remove it, and Bucky can’t help himself, he flinches back. Steve pulls away, looking a little hurt, and God Bucky doesn’t want that. He never wants that.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out quickly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Caught you off guard again?" Steve says, eyebrow raised, and Bucky deflates. Steve's not gonna let this go until Bucky explains.

"I just..." he sighs and averts his eyes, curling in on himself a little. He can't look at Steve if he has to talk about this. It'll only make it harder.

"It's my arm," he says quietly, sounding defeated.

Steve’s brow wrinkles in genuine confusion, and Bucky could kiss him because Goddamn. Goddamn, this man is such a sweetheart and Bucky doesn’t deserve him. “What about it?” Steve asks, hand coming down to cradle Bucky’s elbow. The plates recalibrate under the pressure from his hand, but he seems unconcerned.

“The… Where it attaches to m-my body –“ Bucky starts, stutters and then sighs. He looks down, tracing the groove on the plates of his hand with his flesh fingers. “There’s a lot of scars,” he says finally.

He waits for Steve to say something and he starts feeling fidgety when the silence stretches on. God, does Steve really - Bucky is still not fully at peace with what his body looks like now, but he never thought Steve would -

His inner freak out is interrupted by a press of lips against his forehead and Steve cups his face gently as he rests his head against Bucky's.

"It won't change anything for me," he says softly. "I'll still think you're beautiful."

“It’s pretty bad,” Bucky plows on, fueled by anxiety now. “The blast that severed my arm left scarring all down my side and the prosthetic is too heavy for my bones to hold, so there’s scars from the surgeries to graft metal supports onto my collar bone and the top of my spine. And the seam around the prosthetic is really rough, like, honestly I try to avoid looking at it if I can–”

“Bucky,” Steve cuts him off gently, thumbs stroking at Bucky’s cheekbones. “Baby. It’s okay. Calm down.”

"I don't like how it looks Steve," Bucky says and he hates how weak he sounds, the way his voice cracks. "It's been months and I still hate it."

Steve shuffles a little closer and wraps his arms around him, and Bucky lets himself slump against him, burrowing his face into the crook of Steve's neck.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry that you're hurting," Steve murmurs. "But it won't make me look at you differently. I don't care if it looks ugly, I'm just happy you survived it, that you're alive and here with me. And you don't ever have to show it to me if you're not comfortable with it."

Bucky clenches his hand instinctively, and he’s self-conscious, in a way he hasn't been in months, of the way the plates flare. Steve notices and slides his hand forward from Bucky’s elbow to cup his metal fist. “You know how many times I’ve seen you hold my son with this arm?” he says casually. “Seen how gentle you can be with it? You could shatter glass with this, but you’re so careful, and he loves it. This is a part of you, something we’ve never known you without.”

And there's the crux of why he feels so at ease here, why Steve and Joey are his haven. They met him after, they don't know the Bucky he was before. They don't have any expectations like his family does, don't look at him sadly when he behaves differently than he would have before, don't hold back because they think they'll upset him. He's just Bucky here, the Bucky he is now.

He looks down at his hand, the metal covered in Steve's big palm. He's mostly made peace with it, it doesn't make anxiety pool in his stomach anymore when he sees it. But the shoulder and the scars... those have been harder to accept.

“I’m serious when I say you can keep your shirt on,” Steve promises, then steals a quick kiss. “I’m a little nervous too, you know,” he admits, and at Bucky’s quizzical look he adds, “Haven’t been with anyone but Peggy.”

“Since she died?” Bucky asks, as kindly as he can, and Steve laughs dryly, looking down.

“Well that too. But I meant ever… she was my first, and then well. Figured she’d be my only.”

"Really?" Bucky asks, surprised, his turmoil momentarily forgotten. Because... really? He has a bit of a hard time wrapping his head around that. Steve is... Steve. How was there not a line forming for that? "You don't really strike me as the type to sleep with just anyone, but really? No one else?"

"No..." Steve says and he's still not looking at Bucky, a slight flush visible on his cheeks even from this angle, and Bucky feels bad for making him uncomfortable."I was a head shorter when I was in my teens. Skinny as hell, asthmatic and generally not one of the cool kids. Not exactly a catch," he says with a shrug.

Bucky looks at him fondly then noses in for a kiss. “Peggy Carter doesn’t sound like the kinda woman to settle for anything less than exactly what she wanted,” he says gently, and Steve laughs wetly.

“No, she definitely wasn’t.”

Practically crawling into Steve’s lap to get close, Bucky wraps his arms (metal and flesh) around Steve’s shoulders. “You are gorgeous now, and I’m sure you were then in a different way. But you don’t need to be nervous. I have no expectations. I haven’t done this with anyone since my last leave before… everything. And never with someone who meant so much to me.”

"Yeah?" Steve asks as he wraps his arms around Bucky's waist, and the pleased grin on his face makes Bucky’s heart race.

"Yeah," he says sincerely and Steve's smile turns soft and he pulls Bucky closer.

"I never thought there'd be anyone else after Peggy," he says after a breath. "I didn't think I'd want anyone else after Peggy. But you're real special, Bucky Barnes, and I really want to be with you."

Warmth blooms in Bucky's chest and he leans in, pulling Steve into a kiss that's sweet and deep and makes his toes curl. Excitement mixes up with the anxiety knotting in his chest, and when Steve's hands slip up his shirt this time he doesn't flinch away. Instead he arches back and encourages Steve to work the material up further.

He lets the kiss relax him enough that he doesn't tense when Steve's fingers run over the scars on his back, but he can't help but close his eyes when Steve pulls back so he can take the shirt off. He lifts his hands so it's easier to slide it up, but he can't bring himself to look at Steve's reaction when he sees it all.

Steve doesn't say anything and Bucky just sits there, anxiety ready to bubble over again, but then he can feel Steve's hands on his sides, gentle and soothing as his breath ghosts over the side of Bucky's neck before Steve's lips press warm kisses into the skin.

Bucky shivers all over, rough things that shake his whole body. The skin around the seam between metal and flesh is less sensitive, the nerve endings less responsive, but this skin hasn't ever been touched by someone else. Not like this, anyway.

"It's not -" Steve starts, and Bucky knows he's going to say it's not ugly, or it's not that bad, but he's doesn't want to have to think about it anymore.

"Don't," he interrupts "Don't, please. Just kiss me."

And Steve does. Places kisses over his collarbone and back up his neck so he can claim his mouth again. He leans forward slightly and Bucky follows his weight, letting Steve press him into the cushions and settle between his legs.

Steve's a big guy, and having all of that muscle pressing down on him could make anyone feel a little claustrophobic, trapped, but all Bucky feels is safe and wanted and so so turned on.

“C’mon,” he breathes against Steve’s mouth, tugging on Steve’s shirt. “You don’t get to have all the fun.”

“You sure?” Steve asks, eyebrow raised teasingly, and kisses down to lick at Bucky’s nipple until he swears, arching a little. “This isn’t fun for you?”

“Come _on_ ,” Bucky groans, laughing, and Steve smirks at him, sitting back on his haunches to strip off his shirt. It gets a little caught on his ears, and he’s blushing once he frees himself, but Bucky couldn’t care less, too distracted by the naked planes of Steve’s chest.

He sits up a little and gets his hands on Steve's ridiculously well developed pecs. "Jesus Steve, you're carved like a Greek statue," Bucky says as he runs his hands over Steve’s chest and down his stomach.

"Am not," Steve mumbles, the blush traveling down his neck and his chest. It makes Bucky grin; his boyfriend is a full body blusher and it's adorable.

"Sure you're not," Bucky says and then leans in, because he's got to get his mouth on all of that.

Steve lets him play for a little while, explore the planes of muscle and skin with his mouth, but before long his hand is sliding into Bucky’s hair, gently tugging him back. He leans forward again, pushing Bucky down into the couch with his bulk and kisses him, and kisses him, and kisses him, and fuck, Bucky can’t take this.

His hips arch up automatically, and he groans helplessly when that rubs his hard cock against the swell of Steve’s. “Fuck,” he pants into Steve’s mouth, reaching down to grab Steve’s ass and set up a slow, dirty grind.

Steve lets out a low groan that goes straight to Bucky's cock and he just knows this isn't going to last long. It's too much after such a long time of nothing, and it's Steve rubbing up against him, pinning him down and kissing him like he wants to devour him.

For a moment he considers just letting it happen like this, dry humping and kissing the air out of each other's lungs until they both come in their pants. It's a nice image and maybe they'll revisit that sometime, but he really wants to get his good hand on Steve's cock.

He works his hand down Steve’s chest, appreciating the generous swells of his pecs, the ripple of his abs. He gets kind of tripped up on the button of Steve’s jeans, though, and Steve laughs a little, pulling back to help him get them undone. Then Steve’s swooping back down for more kisses, and Bucky’s curling his hand around the heavy, blood warm shaft of Steve’s cock.

And fuck, he’s perfect, longer than Bucky himself, though maybe a bit more slender. He reacts wonderfully, too, moaning into Bucky’s mouth and biting down gently on his lip.

"God, Bucky," he whimpers when Bucky thumbs over the head gently and he pulls away to bury his face in Bucky's shoulder, letting out these needy little sounds that make Bucky's own cock twitch in his pants.

"Won't be able to hold out long," Steve says and then he's fumbling with Bucky's zipper, getting his pants out of the way just enough so he can wrap his fingers around Bucky's dick and Bucky cries out at the touch. No one's touched him like this in so long and Steve's palm is so big and feels so nice on him even when he fumbles a little before he finds a good rhythm.

And it’s not perfect, by any means. Steve’s zipper is digging into Bucky’s wrist, and Steve keeps shifting like he’s trying to dodge a cramp in his leg. But when Steve drags his head up to meet Bucky’s eyes, lips bitten red and eyes blown so wide he almost can’t see the blue anymore, Bucky can’t think of a time he’s ever felt more connected to another person in his life.

Steve breathes his name, nudging in for an open mouthed kiss which is honestly more licking at his lips and panting into his mouth. “Bucky, Jesus, you’re so fucking gorgeous.”

"Don't even come close to you sweetheart, _fuck_ ," Bucky moans and shudders as Steve drags his thumb along the vein on his shaft.

"You like that?" Steve asks and does it again, lets out a breathy laugh when Bucky honest to god mewls. "Yeah, you like that," Steve says pleased and he pulls away, much to Bucky's protests, so he can look down at what their hands are doing. "Your cock looks so good in my hand."

It punches the air out of Bucky's lungs a little. Steve's not a prude by any means, but he's got that wholesome, blushy thing going on and Bucky really wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth. He should've known better.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" he says and moans when Steve bites at his collarbone in response.

“You’re making me crazy, sweetheart,” Steve moans, and when Bucky twists his wrist on an upstroke, fine shivers wrack Steve’s whole body. “God, I’m sorry, I’m gonna come.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Bucky says, laughing a little. “That’s kinda the point here.”

“Jesus, you’re so –” Steve starts, then cuts himself off with a moan, biting down gently on Bucky’s lip as he stutters in his thrusts, and then comes with a groan.

Bucky strokes him through it, kisses on him gently and pets his hair as he comes down from it. Steve's all shaky, but he's still holding himself up, careful not to squish him, and Bucky wiggles around a little and helps Steve settle next to him on his side.

"Good?" Bucky asks and Steve nods, nuzzles his face into Bucky's neck and sucks on it lightly. 

"Amazing," he mumbles. "Gonna be even more amazing when I see you come too," he adds and his hand is back on Bucky's cock before he's done speaking.

Bucky is still hard and now that he doesn't have to focus on Steve anymore, it's even better. He can let go, let himself really feel the glide of Steve's hand over him, the kisses Steve is sucking into his neck and across his good shoulder.

“I love your hands,” Bucky groans, and spreads his legs a little wider, as much as he can in his skinny jeans. “God, Steve, I love your hands.”

“You think about them?” Steve asks, and Bucky nods, shy, tucking his face in against Steve’s so they’re nose to nose. “Tell me? Tell me what you think about me?”

“Jesus,” Bucky pants. “Nothing that specific. You’re hands are gorgeous, and your mouth, fuck.”

"You want it on you?" Steve asks and Bucky just moans helplessly in response. "I've never done it before, but I want to, for you. Wanna know what you taste like."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Steve," Bucky groans, his hips stuttering up into the other man's palm.

"You like it when I tell you what I wanna do to you, Buck?" Steve asks, but then plows on. "I've never had anyone fuck me before either, but I want you to, want to feel you inside me."

Bucky's been on the edge for a few moments now, but those are the words that topple him over, and he lets out a high keening noise as he spills over Steve's hand.

Steve gentles him through it, then tucks him in close, snuggles down on the couch as their breaths even out and their heart rates slow. Steve reaches up with his clean hand, brushing Bucky’s hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ear gently, and Bucky has to bite down on his lip to stop the silly little whimper that wants to escape at that.

“C’mere,” Steve murmurs, pulling Bucky closer, until they’re pressed chest to chest.

“We’re all gross,” Bucky complains, but Steve hushes him.

“We can clean up later,” Steve points out, and suddenly Bucky feels out of his element. Steve’s used to this, he knows, used to intimacy with someone he’s close to, used to sex with a romantic partner. Bucky’s few sexual experiences haven’t been particularly emotionally intimate.

"Okay," Bucky says and tucks his face against Steve's collarbone. He's not really sure what he should say right now, if anything, but Steve's quiet too and he seems to be content to just lie there and pet Bucky's hair. It's nice to be held like this after he's come. It's never been something he's strived for (and it probably wouldn't feel this good with someone else), but as he lets himself relax into Steve he thinks he could really get used to it.

___

The next few weeks pass in a kind of domestic bliss Bucky has never even thought to wish for. Getting to spend his days with Joey, then have Steve come home to them, to get to have a little family like this, it settles Bucky more than he could have ever imagined. He loses track of time a bit, and would've completely forgotten what time of the year it is if his mother didn’t start bugging him about Thanksgiving.

He's told her about Steve and Joey, and how their relationship has changed. Because even though he's been keeping his family at arm's length, he's so happy about being with Steve, he can't really keep it to himself. It's backfiring now though, as she insists Steve and Joey should come too. In theory, that sounds amazing, but in practice... Bucky's not really sure he wants to go through that.

"So... my mom's invited you and Joey to come to Thanksgiving dinner," he tells Steve over breakfast the next day. "You don't have to, if you don't wanna. I'm not even sure how I feel about it myself, but I figured I should at least extend the invitation."

“Oh,” Steve says, clearly feeling conflicted. “I always spend Thanksgiving with Ma. We don’t really have any other family left, so…”

“It’s fine,” Bucky deflects, trying not to sound too relieved. “Honestly, my family’s really intense, and it wouldn’t be just my parents and my sisters. It would be the whole Barnes Clan, like all the aunts and cousins and shit. I’m not sure I’m ready for that, much less ready to drag you into it.”

"That sounds like a lot of people," Steve says, his face still furrowed in concern.

"You have no idea," Bucky laughs mirthlessly. "I have so many relatives, we have to rent out extra furniture just so everyone can sit down and eat." He's already dreading it, the mass of people, all of them asking about how he's been and what he's doing.

"But you're gonna be okay, right?" Steve asks, reaching over the table to take hold of his hand.

“I’ll be fine,” Bucky assures, but he squeezes Steve’s hand and smiles at him tightly. “It’d be worse if I didn’t go, honestly. Mom would be so offended, she’d make me feel so guilty. She’d feel like I was personally trying to hurt her, and I just-” he sighs, looking over at Joey, who’s happily munching on the dry cheerios scattered on the highchair tray in front of him. “I don’t want to hurt her, so I’ll go.”

"I really can't cancel on my Ma," Steve says ruefully, "but you can call me anytime during the day, if you need."

"I might," Bucky smiles, even though he already knows he won't do it, will let Steve spend his own Thanksgiving in peace.

He can hear them moving around in Steve’s apartment the morning of Thanksgiving. He’s tempted to go over, stick his head in and say hi, but he knows that’ll just make it harder to leave. So he floats around his own apartment, the mirror to Steve’s in layout and somehow less familiar, watching the parade on TV and drinking coffee until he has to leave for his parents place in Queens.

He doesn't have a car of his own, so he has to take the subway. It's not his favorite mode of transportation, even less so today when there's an influx of people and he can't find a corner to himself to save his life.

He gets off at the right stop, already frazzled from people bumping into him, and for a moment considers just turning around and going back home. But, he's made it this far, he can handle the rest of the day too. Hopefully.

The place is already crowded when he gets there, his two youngest sisters, his mom’s brother and his wife, plus their teenage kids all already there. Becca waves at him from the couch and he grins, going over to give her a one armed hug.

“You escape cooking?” he asks, and she scowls.

“So far. Aunt Liz tried to drag me in but I said I was gonna watch football with Dad and Uncle Mike. TeeTee didn’t escape, but she’s pissed about something else, so whatever.”

"Uh-oh, guess I better stay out of her way then," Bucky says and perches on the arm rest next to her. His dad and his uncle both give him grunts of acknowledgment, but keep their focus on the game and he shrugs. He's not exactly clamoring for attention anyway.

"Gonna be hard in this tiny house with so many people," Becca says and doesn't notice how he grimaces just at the thought of it. "But hey, mom's making your favorite pie, so at least there's something to look forward to."

"Yeah, something," he mutters darkly, and she pinches him. Of his whole family, Rebecca has been the easiest to rebuild his relationship with. Maybe because she was six when he shipped out, so there wasn’t much for him to live up to. But, he thinks, she's also the most like him. She understands him easily, and he's really genuinely fond of the person she's growing up into.

He's slithered down to sit on the couch by the time his dad's sisters start arriving, bringing with them an air of artificial apple scent and judgement. The oldest of them, Alice, zeroes in on Bucky and Rebecca as soon as her coat is off and Bucky groans internally as she makes a beeline for them.

"Bucky! Becca! it's so nice to see you!" she exclaims. "My, you look more beautiful every time I lay my eyes you," she says as she pinches Becca's cheek. "And you, Bucky... still keeping your hair long I see. You know, your cousin Mary just got her hairdresser's license, she could snip all of that off today if you asked her."

“I’m okay, aunt Alice, but thanks,” Bucky forces out, smiling up at her with all the effort he can muster. Rebecca, scowling from the cheek pinch, pipes up from next to him.

“Maybe she can do mine, I’ve been thinking of getting an undercut.”

“Oh dear, no, but you’ve got such lovely hair!” their aunt exclaims, horrified, and Bucky bites back a smile. “Honestly, I warned George and Winifred that no good would come of raising you kids in the city.” She shakes her head and blusters off, wringing her hands, and Bucky raises his eyebrows at Rebecca.

“I don’t actually want an undercut, I just wanted her to go away,” she says breezily.

Bucky bursts out laughing, can't help it. "You are so sneaky! I love it," he says and throws an arm around her shoulders proudly.

"Eh, I try," she shrugs, trying to keep it cool, but Bucky can see the smile she's trying to hide.

He's starting to think that this night won't be so bad if he just sticks close to Becca, but then his mom comes rushing out of the kitchen, looking harried.

"There you are! I need you to come help me finish setting the table," she tells Becca. "And then you can go around and ask if anyone wants anything to drink before we sit down. Hi Bucky," she adds almost like an afterthought. He'd be offended if he didn't know that's how she always is before the food is set out and everyone is sitting at the tables.

Their mother tugs Becca up, and she looks back at Bucky mournfully as she’s dragged away. Bucky has no real interest in football, or the male bonding experience around it, but he’s willing to take advantage of his mother falling back on stereotypical gender roles, and just hide with his uncles while the insanity in the kitchen goes down.

His father asks him a couple things, like if his super fixed the laundry machine yet or how he’s liking this or that TV show, but it’s all very low-key. It’s something he’s always appreciated about his father, and he figures it’s pretty much necessary after thirty-five years of marriage to Winnie Barnes.

The house is gradually filling up as the game on screen progresses, and while he's not really paying attention anyway, it's getting harder to focus as the noise level in the house goes way up.

He automatically starts looking for exits, somewhere he can hole up and regroup before dinner starts, but he knows there isn't anywhere he can go. The house and the porch are filled with Barnes's and the rooms upstairs are all locked so no one can go around snooping. He can see one of his cousins eyeing him from the hallway, talking to his sister TeeTee, and it looks like they're considering coming over, so he springs up from the couch quickly and hastily makes his way to the downstairs bathroom. He won't be able to stay in there for long, but it'll at least give him a moment to breathe.

Looking for something to do with his hands, he ends up pulling out his phone. Almost unthinking, he opens his phone app and starts flicking through the pictures of Steve and Joey he's taken over the past couple months.

It's not until someone knocks on the door that he realizes how long he's been in there, and how much calmer he feels.

"I'll be right out!" he calls and stuffs his phone back into his pants, opening the tap so it sounds like he's washing his hands.

One of his aunts is standing outside when he walks out and he hurries away before she can even say anything. He's not really looking where he's going in his haste and flinches when someone wraps a hand around his arm.

"Bucky! There you are, we were just talking about you," his uncle Jim says, but luckily he doesn't get to hear what they were saying about him as his mom chooses that moment to call everyone for dinner.

It's actually a relief to slide into his seat, squished between Becca and Teetee. The food is delicious and for the most part he's able to just sit back and listen to everyone else talk. But it can only last so long, before one of his aunts turns to him and asks "So when are you going to find a nice girl and settle down, James?"

"Nah, Bucky likes dick, remember?" Becca snarks back.

Half the table seems to gasp in horror and one of the aunts sitting closest to them reaches over to smack Becca on the back of the head.

"Ow! What the hell? It's the truth!" Becca exclaims.

"Becca, watch your language," her mother scolds and then turns to the aunt who had asked the question.

"Helen, our Bucky is gay, if you recall, but that hasn't held him back from settling down. He has a new boyfriend, Steve, and Steve has a little boy," she says proudly, as if she had anything to do with it. "I wanted them to come to dinner too, but Steve has his own plans with his mother."

Bucky's stomach drops, and he forces himself to swallow the mouthful of food he's been chewing. "Yeah, I," he pauses, trying to figure what to say, how much he's willing to disclose. "I met a guy, only been seeing him for a couple weeks though."

"You've known him since July," his mother corrects, clearly confused, and Bucky sighs.

"No, I- I met him in July, we've only been dating since the end of October," he explains and he hates how the entire room is quiet now, everyone listening to what he's saying.

"But I could've sworn you said..." his mom trails off, but then shakes her head. "So you were friends first, that's always a good thing," she smiles. "I guess that made it easier for the baby too, more time to get used to a new person being around."

"Yeah, the baby likes me fine, I'm uh, sort of his babysitter," he says. He doesn't really want any of them to know that, but since he's being truthful, might as well go all out.

There’s some muttering around the table, and Bucky looks down at his hands in his lap, feeling pinned and self conscious. “Well,” Winnie says gently, clearly catching on to the fact that Bucky’s upset. “He seems sweet, regardless, and I wish you could have brought him.”

Bucky’s just about to repeat again that Steve has his own family, when TeeTee lets out a frustrated screech, and slams her knife on the table. “You’re practically dragging Bucky’s boyfriend here by his ears, but you wouldn’t let me bring _mine_!?” she explodes, and Bucky blinks, startled.

“Oh, please, you’ve been dating him for about three minutes,” Becca says, rolling her eyes.

“I don’t _care_ , I love him! Sorry I’m not all interesting and gay enough to get your support!”

“Christina!” Winnifred exclaims. “What has gotten into you?”

“Oh come on, mom, don’t act like you’re not giving him special treatment just because he’s doing something normal for a change,” TeeTee says angrily.

Her words hit Bucky like a brick, and for a moment it feels like all the air’s been sucked out of his lungs. Since he came back, his family has been bending over backwards to make sure they’re treating him as normally as possible, and sometimes he wishes they would just acknowledge how fucked up he really is, but this. This hurts.

“Christina Marie Barnes, apologize for the nonsense that just came out of your mouth,” Winnifred demands sternly.

“But -”

“No buts. I will not have you lashing out at your brother that way just because you didn’t get what you wanted. Apologize.”

“Sorry Bucky,” TeeTee mutters, but Bucky’s just staring down at his plate blankly, trying to remain impassive. Becca reaches over and squeezes his hand gently and he gives her a terse smile for her effort, but for the most part, he wishes he could just leave.

There’s an awkward silence after the apology and then his father asks uncle Terry about how his store is doing and gradually other people pick up conversations too. For the rest of the evening everyone keeps to neutral topics and very pointedly doesn’t mention anything Bucky-related at all. Usually Bucky would be grateful for that, but now it makes him feel even more exposed, acutely aware that he doesn’t fit here as well as he used to anymore. He spends the rest of dinner picking at his food and willing the clock to move faster so he can go home. 

Bucky's utterly exhausted when he gets to his apartment, he hasn't interacted with that many people since his discharge. But he can hear Steve and his Ma laughing through the door to his apartment, can smell the food, and he's a little heartsore for a minute. Because yes, he's exhausted, but what he wants to do more than anything is curl up against Steve's side with Joey against his chest and decompress. They’d said separate holidays for a bunch of reasons, though, and Bucky knows he should respect boundaries. 

He’s not expecting the knock on his door after the sun goes down, not really figuring Steve’s missing him as much as he’s missing Steve. When Bucky opens the door, he’s faced with Steve juggling a squirming baby on one hip, and two thirds of a pie in the other hand. He wonders briefly how Steve managed to knock on the door, but he just grins and takes the baby, ignoring Steve's muttered comment of, "Pie or baby, and he takes the baby."

Bucky just smirks, says, "Hey, sweetie," and leans in for a kiss.

"Hi," Steve sighs happily, kissing back. "We're spending Christmas holed up at my place. Joey's missed you too much," he pouts.

"Joey probably didn't even notice," Bucky says with a smirk, smiling when Joey giggles and taps his cheek. "Did you, sweetheart?"

"Bu-EE," Joey says seriously, patting Bucky's cheek again and Bucky's heart fucking swells in his chest, he loves this little boy so much, so sweet and precious. And Steve's grinning at them like he's never been so happy, and yeah. This is what he was missing all day.

"So, we could sit down and have some of this pie, or we could go lie down in your bed and cuddle," Steve offers. "I definitely prefer option two, but my Ma made this pie and it's possibly the only thing worth turning the cuddling down for."

"Would we be setting a bad example for the baby if we ate pie in bed?" Bucky asks and Steve laughs, leaning in to steal another kiss.

"I missed you," Steve whispers against Bucky's lips.

"I missed you too," Bucky says and wraps his free hand around Steve's waist. "We had good reasons for spending Thanksgiving separately, but I definitely didn't like it."

"Though it was probably better than a random Barnes aunt latching onto you and demanding to know why you've made every decision you've ever made in your entire life," Bucky admits, bouncing Joey on his hip as he slips his hand into Steve's and tugs him toward the bedroom.

Steve laughs, stopping to deposit the pie on the table, then he follows Bucky. "Honestly, I'd like to meet your family, but mine has always been small. It was mostly just Ma and me and an aunt and an uncle when I was little, so the thought of meeting _all of them_ at once is a little scary."

"I think my mother and my sisters would probably be enough for a first go," Bucky agrees, lying down on the bed, cooing nonsense at the baby cuddling into his chest. Steve finishes kicking his shoes off, crawling onto the bed until he can get comfortable behind Bucky, wrapping an arm around him. "Dad's pretty harmless though."

"So he's the more laid back one?" Steve asks, nuzzling his face into Bucky's neck.

"Kind of has to be with how intense my mom can get. He'd prolly ask you about the sports you like, get you a beer, let you watch the game and wait for you to talk if you wanted to. My mom and my sisters though... Full on interrogation," Bucky answers, sighing in contentment. Wrapped up in Steve and cuddling the baby, it's like the last few hours didn't even happen. He's where he wanted to be all along.

“I’ll watch a Mets game with your dad some time,” Steve murmurs, bringing a hand up to rake through Bucky’s hair, and god that makes him melt.

“That’s probably the best way to get him to like you, honestly. Mets fans are in automatically.”

Steve laughs softly, tilting his head up to brush a soft kiss against Bucky’s cheek. “I’m sorry your family was so overwhelming. I feel like I should have gone with you.”

"It's probably best that you didn't," Bucky sighs. "TeeTee was really upset that mom wanted you to come so badly, but her new boyfriend wasn't allowed. It would've been worse if you were actually there."

"She got into an argument about it with you?" Steve asks, concerned.

"Not with me, my mom. Some not so nice things were said, half-assed apologies made and then it was really awkward the rest of the time. You dodged a bullet."

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Steve murmurs, holding Bucky close. Joey wiggles around a little on his chest, and Steve places his hand on the baby’s back, calming him. Bucky feels like he could almost cry with relief, with how much he loves them.

“It’s okay,” Bucky whispers. “I’m here now.”

____

November turns quickly into December, and with it comes Christmas carols and peppermint and snow. It’s Bucky’s first holiday season since his discharge, and he honestly feels very conflicted about it, the smothering expectations of Joy and Happiness greeting him in every shop window and in every television commercial. Still, every Christmas while he was deployed he’d wanted desperately to be home, so he tells himself to enjoy it. Enjoy it for the boys who can’t, across the seas, and for the ones who’ll never make it home. Drink his peppermint mocha from his red holiday cup and enjoy it.

 

It’s easier, like so many things are, with Steve and Joey. Joey was barely six months old the previous Christmas, and Steve’s determined to make his first real Christmas, their first Christmas as a family, as magical as possible. And well, it’s easier than Bucky would have expected, to get drawn into that. 

Steve shows up on his doorstep the first weekend in December, both himself and Joey wrapped up for the cold despite the fact that it’s barely eight in the morning. Bucky squints at him blearily, still in his own pajamas and coffee bubbling behind him, but Steve just grins. “We’re gonna go get a Christmas tree,” he announces brightly, bouncing the baby, who is looking less and less excited by the second about being all bundled up. “I was hoping you’d come with us?”

“I’m not dressed,” Bucky states, kind of dumbly because he’s nowhere near awake, and Steve snorts. 

 

“I noticed. How about you get ready and we’ll go to the coffee shop down the street and meet you there?”

“‘Kay,” Bucky say sleepily, and happily accepts it when Steve leans in to give him a sweet kiss and a soft goodbye. 

The actual tree hunting is pretty unexciting. It’s crowded, and that sets Bucky on edge, and Steve frowns at him apologetically. He ends up holding Joey tight at the edge of the tree lot and talking to him about trees, letting himself get distracted by Joey’s eager attentiveness to drown out all the people around them.

They end up with a modest fir tree strapped to the roof of Steve’s car, and swing by the hardware store to get some lights and tinsel. Steve says he’s got ornaments at home, and Bucky’s more than willing to just go with it. They set the tree up in the living room, and get to decorating, fascinated baby crawling back and forth between them, delighted by all the shiny things.

Steve ends up with tinsel in his hair and Bucky takes about a million pictures. He gets one that's his absolute favorite, Steve sitting on the ground in front of the tree, which has half its lights on and nothing else, Joey throwing tinsel in his face. Joey looks delighted, and Steve's got his head thrown back in laughter. It’s maybe Bucky's favorite picture he’s ever taken.

It's good that the both of them are there because Joey has taken to crawling like a house on fire and he's clearly very interested in the tree. He keeps tugging at it and at the strings of lights and he needs to be distracted at all times. His fascination is adorable though and Bucky ends up holding him in one arm while he puts ornaments on with the other and lets Joey poke at them so they swing lightly on the branches.

Steve keeps stopping to kiss Bucky, and Joey's all smiles and giggles, reaching for his father every time Steve is close by and giggling. "Dada!" he babbles and Steve grins, kissing his forehead.

It takes them longer than it should to finish decorating, it’s hard to keep on task when there’s a hot guy and a cute baby around, but they manage to put all the decorations up. When it's done, Steve plugs in the lights and Joey's entire face lights up and he claps excitedly. Bucky is so extremely glad that he gets to be here for this, he wouldn’t change it for the world.

Bucky's still holding Joey when Steve comes up behind them, looping his arms around Bucky's waist. Joey's eyes are still fixed on the tree, and Steve kisses Bucky's cheek, whispering, "Love you, Buck."

Bucky's heart trips over itself for a moment and he turns his head so he can nuzzle at Steve's cheek. "I love you too," he says quietly. He didn't think this day could get any better, but Steve just made it perfect.

Joey falls asleep in Bucky's arms on the couch later, as Steve's texting his Ma pictures from their adventures.

"I love him too, you know?" Bucky says out of the blue, running his fingers over Joey's head. "You've kind of pulled me into your little family and now I never want to leave."

"I don't want you to," Steve says softly. He glances at the picture on the mantel, which Bucky had set there earlier, of Peggy holding a newborn Joey last Christmas. “I like having you here. I miss Peggy, still, sometimes. I think I always will. But you’ve never tried to push out her memory, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that. You just carved your own space right into our lives.” 

"I would never do that. And I like having my own space in your life. I think I'll stay," Bucky smiles. "I'm gonna go put him down in his crib and then we should order take-out and watch some Netflix before you let me take you to bed."

Bucky takes a while to put Joey down, though. He ends up sitting on the floor, Joey holding one of his fingers in his sleep through the bars of the crib, and he grins guiltily when Steve comes by to peek in on them. "He got a hold of me, it felt wrong to pull away," Bucky whispers, sheepish.

Steve chuckles and comes to sit down next to him. "That's okay. I have a hard time leaving him often too, especially when he reaches out for you unconsciously like that. I had such a horribly hard time leaving him to sleep on his own in general, you don't even know."

"I do know," Bucky smiles at him, "I compete with him for your nightly attentions."

Steve laughs quietly. "Okay, maybe I haven't really gotten better at it, I'll admit. He's so small though, I can't help but worry. I don't think I'll ever stop, to be honest."

"I think that's normal," Bucky says. "My mom still worries about me and my sisters. I'm sure your mom still worries about you." Joey releases Bucky's fingers to roll over, and Bucky sighs, moving to stand up.

"Yeah, I guess that's true," Steve says and follows Bucky back into the living room. "But hey, he's asleep now and safe, you have my full attention," he grins.

"Hmmm, what to do with it," Bucky teases, looping his arms around Steve's neck. He teases his fingers through Steve's hair, combing forward to fluff his bangs, then pushes it back off of his forehead.

"Don't mess up my 'do," Steve complains, scrunching his nose, and Bucky laughs.

"Your 'do Rogers, really?"

"Shut up," Steve mutters, then cuts off Bucky's laugh with a kiss. Steve's hands cup Bucky's waist, wide and broad and warm, and pull him close. "I really do love you."

"Yeah, you've said," Bucky teases, but leans in for another kiss. "I really love you too. Would love you even more if you fed me some food, I haven't eaten anything since I came over here this morning."

"Here I was trying to seduce you," Steve deadpans.

"Nope, food first, sex later," Bucky says matter of factly, smacking a kiss to Steve's lips and drawing away.

Steve sighs, all fake put upon and reaches for his phone. "What are you in the mood for then? I'm thinking Chinese."

"Works for me." Bucky flops down on the couch, looking at the tree fondly. His own apartment has very little in the way of decorations, but he's kind of okay with that.

Steve makes the call and places their usual order, and then joins Bucky on the couch, intentionally sprawling all over him. "Ohmygod you dweeb, you weigh a ton," Bucky complains, but doesn't push him off.

Steve just grins at him triumphantly, and Bucky rolls his eyes. "You do this asleep, too, you know. You sprawl like a motherfucker," Bucky informs him, but Steve is a little shit and just wiggles around until his ass is firmly planted in Bucky's lap.

"Make out with me until the food gets here?" he asks.

Bucky gives him a calculating look and then shrugs. "If I have to," he sighs, but he's grinning when he pulls Steve in for a kiss. Needless to say they're both very flustered when the Chinese food arrives. But Bucky gets a fist bump from the delivery guy, so hey, there's that.

___

Bucky comes over the next day to drop off presents to put under Steve’s tree. He’s got an arm full of stuff, and Steve looks a little self-conscious, tells him he needn’t have bought them so much stuff, but Bucky just shakes his head and says “Oh no, I only got you one each, the rest are from my mom,” which leaves Steve speechless for a moment.

"If you couldn't tell by the fact that she had four of them, my mom _loves_ babies," Bucky says with a smile. "And I think she gave up on getting any out of me when I came out, so she kinda went overboard."

Steve laughs and shakes his head. “Guess I don’t have to worry about her having issues with our relationship because I have a kid, then,” he smiles. “You should invite her over sometime or something. You’ve met my mom, so it’s only fair.”

"She will never leave," Bucky says emphatically. "She will sneakily move in and steal your son." Said son was currently crawling his way over to the tree and Bucky watched him warily.

"Your mom’s a baby stealer, huh? I’ve always wondered where you got that from," Steve teases. Joey stops under one of the lower branches and taps his hands over the wrapped presents curiously, but the shiny baubles hanging from the lower branches seem to be more interesting to him. "He seems really fascinated by those," Steve smiles fondly.

"I've noticed he likes shiny things." Bucky gestures with his own metallic left hand, which he has taken to holding Joey with just to avoid the baby trying to get Bucky's fingers in his mouth. "You might want to get him, before he pulls the tree down."

"Yeah, you’re right," Steve says and goes over to pick Joey up. "Hey you little magpie, am I gonna have to worry you’re gonna go after my watch next?" he asks as he tickles Joey’s belly, making him laugh.

"I think you're the only person under forty who still wears a watch," Bucky teases, watching Steve play with Joey, snuggling him close. Steve sticks his tongue out at Bucky, which makes Joey squeal with delight, and grab at his father's face.

"You’re so easily entertained, it’s great," Steve mumbles as Joey squishes his cheeks together. "And I can play at this game too," he says and pokes at Joey’s cheek. Bucky can’t help himself, fishes his phone out of his pocket to snap a picture of them, and the fake shutter sound gets Steve’s attention, making him look up. 

"Your phone's gotta be full of baby pictures," Steve points out, smacking a kiss on Joey's cheek and walks over to look at the picture on Bucky's phone. 

"Like yours is any different," Bucky says absently, thumbing through the pictures he just took. He doesn’t know how to say the pictures help, when Bucky feels like he’s getting lost again or the panic of feeling trapped with no exits. That being able to take out his phone and see the two of them helps him feel human again.

"True," Steve smiles, putting an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and pulling him close. "Though to be fair, there’s a picture or two of you on there too. The only thing I don’t have is a picture of the three of us. And we really should correct that as soon as possible."

"Obviously," Bucky says, smiles and bumps his hip against Steve's. "C'mere boys, selfie time!" And maybe it isn't the best picture in the world, with Joey half hiding his face in his father's shirt, Bucky making a stupid face and Steve's head a bit of a blur as he was turning look from the camera to Bucky. They’ll have a better one taken later, by one of their family members, but it’s the first picture of their little family. It’s perfect.

After some deliberation Bucky sends the picture to his mom. He immediately gets bombarded by texts, all of them about how happy Bucky looks or how cute Joey is or how Steve seems like a nice man, and he has to laugh because you can barely see the both of them. He’s a little grateful that he chose a time while she was out helping at the soup kitchen and didn’t really have time to call him and gush over the pic. He loves her, but she can get kind of intense when she’s excited.

Steve takes a break from spooning peas into Joey's mouth and glances up to where Bucky's standing at the stove. "You're looking a little overwhelmed," Steve observes when Bucky's phone buzzes again. Joey babbles at him, a mix of happy gibberish mixed in with a 'Dada' or two. 

"My mom's just being intense again," he waves off, setting his phone aside and turning back to the pot he's stirring.

"Is that why you don’t go see her very often?" Steve asks carefully. "You don’t have to answer, it’s just… you talk about your family a lot, but they never come visit and you don’t seem to visit them often either."

Bucky nods, glancing at Steve, and smiles a little sadly. "I do love my family. My little sisters, especially, but since I got my discharge and... my prosthetic, they treat me differently. And mom's kind of intense." He stirs for a minute in silence and Steve seems like he’s going to let it drop, turning back to Joey, but Bucky plows on. "I know she means well, but she came so close to losing me, now she grabs on too hard to any part of my life I give her."

Steve nods thoughtfully. “I want to meet your mom and the rest of the family, but we’ll do it on your terms,” he says. “I’d understand if you’d want to hold it off for as long as possible or maybe not ever. I’m not gonna feel like you’re ashamed of me or anything. I don’t know if that’s something you worry about or not, but just in case, this is me telling you that I don’t see you not introducing me to your family as a sign that you don’t love me enough or whatever.”

"I want you to know them, but -" Bucky sighs, pulling the pot off the burner and clicking it off. He walks over to them, brushing his fingers through the soft fluffy hair on Joey’s head and leans down to kiss it. He rests his cheek gently on Joey's head, smiling at Steve where he's sitting across from Joey's highchair. "It's dumb, but I feel like I'm still getting to know them again, as an adult. The last time I saw them regularly was before I enlisted, almost ten years ago. Becks was only six."

"You don’t feel like you fit properly anymore?" Steve guesses.

Bucky sighs again, pulling away. Joey starts to fuss, like he can sense Bucky's getting upset. 

"You don't have to talk about it," Steve says again, rubbing his hand cross Joey's back to soothe him. 

"I want to talk to you," Bucky replies, taking another seat at the table. He looks at his hands for a minute, before saying "I've kind of felt like I don't fit anywhere since my discharge? You guys help with that, but- My VA sponsor says it's normal."

Steve reaches over and takes hold of one of Bucky’s hands. “I’m glad we help,” he smiles. “You help us a lot too. I feel like maybe you’ve been helping me more than I’ve been helping you though. I mean, we’ve talked about Peggy and my worries about Joey, but we don’t talk a lot about you and your bad days. I have my plate full, but I can carry your weight too.”

Pulling Steve's hand up to his mouth, Bucky brushes a kiss across his knuckles. "I know. I like helping you, though. Like I said, I feel like I fit here."

Steve smiles, leaning forward to catch Bucky in a kiss, gentle and sweet. "I think you do," he agrees. "As for your family, whenever you're ready. But you can always hide here if you're feeling overwhelmed."

"Thanks," Bucky smiles and goes in for another kiss, but bursts into laughter midway through when he notices Joey trying, but failing, to reach for the the spoon Steve is still holding out to him.

"Poor baby," Bucky coos, wrapping his hand around Steve's wrist and guiding his hand toward Joey. Steve laughs, kissing Bucky's cheek.

"At least now we know he likes peas," Steve says as he focuses back on the task and feeds Joey the entire bowl.

___

Bucky spends Christmas morning with his family, but goes straight to Steve's after he's done. They're going to cook dinner for Sarah, but Bucky's already feeling worn thin by his family and Steve can probably tell he's burned out the minute he walks in.

Steve waits until Bucky takes his coat off and then walks over to pull him into a hug. “If you want I can call my mom and ask her to not come over. Or you can go lie down and have a nap while she’s here. She won’t be happy, but she’ll understand.”

"Is Joey ready for a nap?" Bucky asks, biting his lip. He just kind of wants to curl up and snuggle with the baby, and possibly Steve, and recharge a little. "I can go lay down for a bit before we need to start cooking."

"I was gonna put him down in half an hour, but there’s no harm if we do it now. He likes it when you hold him, so he probably won’t mind even if he won’t fall asleep immediately," Steve answers. "You can go and get comfortable with him on the couch or on the bed and I’ll come and join you in five minutes when the chocolate chip cookies are done. I was gonna surprise you," he smiles.

"You're too good to me," Bucky murmurs, curling his fingers into Steve's chest and pulling him in for a soft, sweet kiss.

Joey babbles excitedly when Bucky walks over to the playpen, reaching up toward him, eager to be picked up.Bucky takes him into the bedroom and lies down, arranging the baby on his chest. Joey doesn’t seem interested in falling asleep just yet, content to sit and babble at him, smiling like Bucky paying attention to him is the best thing that’s happened to him that day.

They're having a serious conversation half in English and half in baby talk by the time Steve walks in. The bed shifts as he climbs on next to them, and Bucky turns toward him, smiling a little. "Hi boys," Steve whispers, cuddling into Bucky's side.

"He’s telling me a very important story," Bucky says just as quietly and Joey continues like nothing has happened. "Then by all means, don’t let me interrupt," Steve smiles and hooks his arm around Bucky’s, leaning his head onto his shoulder.

Joey drifts to sleep almost in the middle of a word, and they both have to stifle a laugh. "He's gonna be real talker," Steve says happily, rubbing his thumb across Bucky's wrist. Bucky hums in agreement. "Do you want to talk about your morning?"

"It was just… really overwhelming," Bucky says after a moment of contemplation. "My immediate family is big as it is, but Catie and her husband came back this year, and my mom loves to invite the rest of the family over for Christmas. So it was all of the uncles and aunts and cousins from Thanksgiving on top of mom switching between telling me how happy she is that the whole family is finally together again for the holiday and wanting to know why I didn’t bring you with me," he sighs.

"I'm sorry she keeps pushing you," Steve says quietly, and Bucky shrugs as best he can with the baby on his chest. 

“Luckily Catie brought her daughter with them, so Mom could get her baby fix that way.”

"A good distraction as any I guess," Steve chuckles but then gets serious again. "We don’t have to do much when Ma’s over, we’re just gonna eat and probably watch a Christmas movie or two and open presents, but if you need a moment still, neither of us’ll hold it against you."

Bucky's quiet for a minute, stroking over the soft tuft of hair on Joey's head. "I don't want to give your mom more reason to worry about you dating a soldier. I know my service history makes her nervous, I don't want her thinking I can't handle this."

"Okay, then we’ll get through dinner and the rest and after she leaves, we can go right back to this and don’t have to leave the bed until you say so," Steve says, kissing Bucky’s shoulder. "I was gonna wait to tell you when we opened presents, but now seems a better time. I don’t have to be back at the office until January fifth, so I’m all yours for the next ten days."

Bucky's heart jumps in his chest, and he grins. "Really? That's amazing! We can take Joey sledding, there's a park near my parents old place we used to go to! Or wait, is he too young for that?" 

Steve laughs, shushing him. "As long as one of us holds him, it's fine."

"This is gonna be so great," Bucky says more quietly and leans over to kiss Steve softly. "I’m sure you got me a nice present, but I’m pretty certain this is better."

He doesn't end up napping, but just snuggling with them while he talks softly with Steve is enough to have the tension bleed out of Bucky's shoulders by the time they have to get food started. Joey goes back into his playpen with some fuss, but quiets quickly

"Okay, so what are you most comfortable doing?" Steve asks as he starts taking out the dishes and ingredients they’ll need.

"Um, need anything microwaved?" Bucky grins sheepishly when Steve mock glares at him. "Okay, so I might not know what I'm doing for more than pasta or salad, but I follow directions really well. I could, like. Cut things? Stir things? I think I can manage that," Bucky suggests, and Steve sighs, shaking his head in faux disappointment. Steve switches on the radio to low volume Christmas music, and they stand together in the kitchen, talking quietly or singing along to the music or cooking in comfortable silence.

Steve goes all out and sets the dinner table with a nice cloth and the nice plates, even going so far as to fold the napkins into little Christmas trees and Bucky whistles when he sees the finished table. “I had no idea I was dating Martha Stewart,” he jokes.

"Ma always went out of her way to make Christmas special after Dad passed away, even the years when we couldn't afford much," Steve shrugs, smiling softly at Bucky and linking their fingers. "I kinda want to give it back to her, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it," Bucky says and pulls Steve into a kiss. It’s just about to turn a little heated when there’s a knock on the door right before Steve’s mom steps in. "Oh sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt," she says a little sheepishly.

They break apart, Bucky blushing scarlet, but Steve just smiles and says "You didn't, we're just killing time." He squeezes Bucky's waist and brushes a kiss across his cheek, casual affection that makes Bucky both slightly embarrassed and oddly grateful. Its nice, in a odd way, to know Steve isn’t embarrassed about loving him. "Merry Christmas, Sarah," he says tentatively, nervously tucking his prosthetic hand into his pocket.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Bucky," she smiles. "And to you, Steve, and my favorite little grandson," she coos, making a beeline to the playpen to pick Joey up. "He’s your only grandson, Ma, unless you’re hiding something from me," Steve jokes.

Sarah shushes Steve, rolling her eyes, and Joey snuggles down into her shoulder. He really is an affectionate kid, and Bucky wonders if Steve had been the same as a baby. Maybe someday he'll ask.

Joey gets put in his highchair, positioned next to the dining room table, and they all take a seat. Everything looks like it came out really well, to Bucky's untrained eye, creamy mashed potatoes and fresh peas, tart cranberry sauce and golden turkey.

Steve’s mom is fairly religious, so she says grace before they start eating and then Steve cuts the turkey and it’s... It’s nice. It’s quieter than any holiday at Bucky’s house had ever been, but the food is delicious and Sarah seems more relaxed toward him, asking him questions and laughing at his jokes. Bucky’d thought he’d feel a bit left out and awkward with her here, but she’s trying and he’s grateful for that.

Joey starts fussing toward the end of the meal, tired of sitting still and being ignored. Steve suggests that Bucky take him into the living room while he and his mom clean up. "But you did most of the cooking, and your mom's a guest," Bucky objects. He knows Steve's trying to give him the opportunity to recharge again, but he doesn't really need it.

Steve gives him an assessing look and then nods. “Okay, I won’t say no if you’re volunteering,” he smiles and picks Joey up from his chair. “Any particular wishes about which Christmas movie we watch?” he asks as he and his mom make their way over to the couch.

"I haven't watched kids Christmas movies in ten years," Bucky grins, rolling up his sleeves, ready to tackle the pile of dishes by the sink. "Do you have the Muppet Christmas Carol? My sisters and I used to love that."

He notices Sarah hovering near the doorway to the kitchen, watching him like she wants to say something but doesn’t know how. He gives her an encouraging smile and she gestures toward his metal arm, displayed by his rolled up sleeves.

"I was wondering- I take it that can get wet?"

"Yeah," Bucky nods and he can hear the opening notes of The Muppet Christmas Carol drift in from the living room. "The outer layer is waterproof, so I can shower normally with it and everything. It’s permanently attached to my body, so I’m grateful they went the extra mile."

He holds his arm out toward her, and she steps closer, watching the shift of the plates as he twists it. "It looks heavy," she observes, and Bucky shrugs. "It's a new composite alloy, so it’s not too bad. The whole program is really new. I'm technically a test subject, which is the only reason I could afford it. But I've got metal grafted onto my collarbone and reinforcing parts of my spine to support the weight."

"Oh my, you must’ve had some heavy duty surgery for that and I imagine it was painful," she says, lips pulled into a thin line. "I also imagine it still hurts sometimes and I’m willing to bet you never told Steve that it does," she says a bit more quietly, so her voice won’t carry.

Bucky shrugs a little self-consciously. "I never lie to him. He knows when I'm having a bad day, and that my physical therapy is hard for me. I just don't go into a lot of detail about it, and he's never really pushed. He's got enough to worry about." Sarah sighs a little, and Bucky tries to suppress the feeling that he's being judged and found wanting. "The movie's started. Why don't you head in. I won't take too long with this."

She nods and turns to walk out, but then changes her mind. “You know Bucky, I’m not entirely happy with you and Steve being together,” she begins. “I’m sure you’re a great person, I have nothing against you, but Steve has had a hard time of it and so have you. You two happened fairly soon after Peggy died and I guess I had hoped that when Steve found someone again it’d be after he had time to heal. And that it wouldn’t be with someone who has a lot of baggage of their own,” she says, and her words make Bucky’s stomach twist, but her voice softens when she continues speaking. 

“But Steve chose you and he seems happier every time I see him and I know a lot of it is because of you. I may not have wanted this for him, but he’s happy. And he’s stronger than either of us like to think sometimes, so you may think you’re doing him a favor by not unloading all of it on him, but I don’t think you’re really helping either of you. Keeping things in and letting it eat at you is how Steve’s dad ended up the way he did. I’d hate for that to happen to you too,” she says and then slips out into the living room before he can respond.

Bucky feels off footed by that. He doesn't know much about Steve's dad, other than that he was a soldier, and passed away when Steve was a child. The calm from dinner is gone now, and he’s on edge again by the time he finishes with the dishes. He knows Sarah meanswell, is trying to save him some upset later down the line, but as he hovers in the doorway of the living room, he can’t help but feel maybe he doesn’t belong here, maybe he hasn’t given Steve enough time to heal.

He ends up losing some time hovering in the hallway, because suddenly the movie is halfway done, and Steve must have decided to come check up on him. “Bucky?” he calls and almost walks smack into him in the doorway. “Oh, sorry,” he apologizes and puts his hand on the other man’s shoulders. “You didn’t come out, so I figured I’d help if you weren't done yet,” he says. Bucky blinks at him, trying to stop the world from sliding sideways like it’s threatening to, and Steve frowns. “Is everything alright?”

"Maybe I should go," Bucky mutters, and he's not meeting Steve's eyes, but his fingers have curled into the material of Steve's shirt at his waist, holding on because he doesn't really want to go anywhere at all. He wants more than anything to curl into Steve's body, but he doesn't think he should. 

"Bucky," Steve says, distressed, stepping in close to cup Bucky's cheek. "Are you alright? What happened?"

"Your mom, she- She said some things and… She’s not wrong about them and I should probably go, let you have a family Christmas without me," he says even though every word out of his mouth hurts. A few moments ago he felt like he was part of this family, but now he’s not so sure.

"Bucky, I - I will always want you to do whatever you need to do to feel safe, but - I don't want you to leave." Bucky's actually starting to tremble a little now, and Steve glances back into the living room, likely checking that Joey and his mom are still busy with the movie, before turning and tugging Bucky into his bedroom. "We're a family, remember? We took a picture on your phone, a family picture," Steve reminds him softly, tugging gently at Bucky's shoulders until he's close enough to enfold in a hug.

Bucky leans into it, even though he doesn’t really think he should, and takes a shuddering breath. “I want to be a family with you and Joey, but - Steve, last year you were spending the holidays with Peggy and I - I have nightmares and mood swings and a metal arm and - I think I’ve been very selfish, wanting all of that with you so soon after she died. I wasn’t really thinking about you and what being with me would mean for you.”

"Did my mom tell you that?" Steve asks, and he sounds almost annoyed. "Buck, since I met you _I've_ been feeling selfish. You didn't even know us and you just opened yourself up to us, took care of us. It took weeks to feel like I wasn't taking advantage of your kindness, that you actually did want to spend time with us. With me. And I miss Peg, still, I do, but you have never, ever tried to take her place."

"Your mom just worries about you and she’s not wrong, I’m kinda fucked up and it’s a lot to take even if you don’t have your own problems," Bucky mumbles. "She wasn’t trying to be mean, and I’ve - it’s always felt right, you and me, right from the start, but what she said made me think. I don’t want to drag you down with me."

Cradling Bucky's face in his hands, Steve pulls him forward for a gentle kiss. "You've never dragged me anywhere," he assures him, wrapping his arms around Bucky and holding him close. "I'm with you because I choose to be. Because you make my life better."

"You make my life better too," Bucky says and clings to Steve. "I’m sorry, today’s just been a little topsy-turvy and your mom’s words hit a little hard."

"No need to apologize," Steve says soothingly, "and I’ll talk to my mom. She shouldn’t be saying this stuff to you behind my back."

"She was just trying to protect you," Bucky sighs. "I don't want her to feel like I tattled to you, it's just - it was just a long day." He tips his head into the corner of Steve's neck, feeling conflicted. Part of him just wants to head out and hide in his own apartment, but he really doesn't want to leave Steve's arms, or miss out on Christmas with him and Joey.

"Okay, I won’t say anything, but if she keeps it up, I will say something. She’s my ma and I love her, but I love you too and I won’t stand for her making you feel bad," Steve says. "You ready to go back out there? It’s okay if you don’t and if you do, we can snuggle while we watch the movie, it doesn’t matter that my mom is here.”

"I don't want to leave," Bucky admits. "Let's go back in." Steve smiles, kisses him softly again before pulling back. Sliding his fingers through Bucky's, he says "It'll be all right, Buck. You're welcome here." Bucky nods, taking a deep breath, and lets Steve pull him back into the living room, walking in hand in hand.

The Muppet Christmas Carol has ended already, but Sarah hasn’t put another dvd in. She eyes them both a little guiltily when they walk in, but doesn’t say anything about her and Bucky’s conversation earlier. “You missed the movie, but I figured we could watch it again, Joey seemed to like it too,” she offers instead.

"Sounds good to me," Steve agrees, settling down on the couch next to his mother, pulling Bucky down on his other side. Almost right away, Joey starts wriggling in his grandmother's lap, tiny fists reaching out and grabbing for Steve. He laughs, reaching for the baby, and pulls him onto his lap, muttering "Hi, buddy. Did you like the movie?"

Joey makes an adorable squealing sound and snuggles into his dad’s chest, gurgling happily, and Bucky can’t help but melt a little, watching them like this. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Steve smiles softly.

Joey turns his face toward Bucky, still tucked to his father's chest, but he reaches out, patting at Bucky until he holds out a metal finger for Joey to grab onto. He immediately tries to pull it into his mouth, and Bucky tuts, pulling his hand away. "No, don't do that, you don't know where I've been," he says gently, and Joey giggles, reaching out for Bucky again.

Bucky gives him his flesh and blood hand and Joey grabs for it again, but only holds on this time. The Muppet Christmas carol is playing again, but Joey seems more interested in Bucky. “Bu’ee,” he says and tries to tug him closer and Bucky laughs. “Buddy, I’m almost sitting on top of your dad as it is.”

"Hang on," Steve mutters, shifting Joey's weight in his lap until the baby is nestled into the crook between his body and Bucky's, half in both of their laps. "That better, fussy boy?" Joey giggles, tipping his head against Steve's side as he clings to Bucky with his tiny hand. Bucky can feel the smile on his face, warm and small, so full of love for this bright, affectionate little boy. He glances up to see Sarah watching them.

"He seems to love you a lot," she says softly.

"He does," Steve confirms, "he’s gotten quite attached. We both have."

"Looks like you have," she agrees, smiling at Bucky. It feels like something is hanging in the air between them, waiting for one of them to speak, but the moment gets broken as raucous laughter erupts from the TV, and she turns her attention back to it.

Joey's noticeably sleepy by the time the movie is over the second time, curled fully into Bucky's lap now, blinking slowly and fussing every time Steve or Bucky move a little. "We're either gonna have to open presents or put him to bed," Steve says to his Ma, stroking the soft fluffy hair on Joey's head. He whines, wriggling unhappily in Bucky's lap, and Bucky shushes him, rubbing his back.

"You should probably put him to bed, it won’t matter to him if he opens his presents on Christmas or not," his mom says softly. "And I can open mine at home too, it’s getting dark and my eyes aren’t the best anymore, so it’s best if I leave now," she says and gets up.

"You sure, Ma? You can stay a bit longer, we’ll have coffee or something," Steve offers, but she shakes her head. "I see you every week anyway and I know you’re going to stay and watch him sleep after you put him down," she jokes. "Thank you for dinner, it was lovely," she thanks them both and pulls Steve into a hug.

Steve goes to walk his ma out of their building, and Bucky stays sitting on the couch, Joey curled against his shoulder fast asleep, until he comes back. Steve leans in the doorway for a moment, watching Bucky talk softly to the sleeping baby curled against his chest. "Hey," Steve says softly, and Bucky smiles up at him.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"You can stay here every night," Steve smiles. "You’re over here a lot during the days, might as well stay the nights too."

"That’s a bit forward of you," Bucky teases and Steve shrugs.

"I like having you here and I like waking up next to you. Plus it means I can talk you into getting up if Joey wakes up in the middle of the night and I get to sleep in," he says cheekily.

"I think," Bucky says slowly, "that every night might be a bad idea right now. I think I still need space, for when I have bad days. But I'd like to stay tonight."

Steve nods and looks down for a moment. "What my ma said is still bothering you," he guesses. "Not that I'm asking you to give up your own space. Just. Know you're welcome here. Any time."

"I still have some things I need to clear up in my head, but thank you," Bucky smiles softly. "I think we should probably put this little man to bed now," he says, looking down at Joey. "I’d like to keep holding him, but I’m likely to wake him up if I jostle him by accident. And I’d kinda like my hands free so I can cuddle you."

"I'll take him," Steve offers. "You can get ready for bed while I get him situated and then we can spend the rest of the evening cuddling under warm blankets."

___

They spend all of New Year’s Eve day together. Steve’s got the day off from work and they spend the time as a family, going to the park and going skating, twirling Joey around in their arms. By the time the get home, Steve looks just about ready to fall asleep.

They were supposed to have a low-key night in, some food and champagne to toast with, but it's not even 9:30 and Steve is barely keeping his eyes open as he sits on the couch and waits for Bucky to choose a movie to pass the time.

"Do we wanna do Star Wars or Princess Bride?" Bucky asks as he's looking through his DVD's. "I'm feeling the Princess Bride, but I haven't seen the original Star Wars in ages. Which one did you watch last? Steve?"

Steve’s head jerks up, blinking rapidly, and Bucky has to bite his lip not to laugh. 

“Either is fine with me,” he insists, sitting up straighter like that’s gonna keep him awake.

“Do you even know what movies I suggested?” Bucky teases, propping his shoulder against the shelf and crossing his arms.

“Princess Bride or Star Trek?” Steve replies, and Bucky laughs.

“Star Wars, but that’s closer than I thought you’d get.”

"Ha ha, make fun of the sleep deprived man," Steve pouts and straightens himself up again when he notices he's beginning to slouch.

"But you make it so easy," Bucky teases and pops Princess Bride into the DVD player before joining Steve on the couch. "You gonna make it till midnight?" he asks as he holds his arm out and Steve cuddles up into his side.

"Not if I stay like this for long. You're warm and comfy."

“You can sit on the other side,” Bucky suggests, waggling his metal fingers at Steve. “I hear sleeping on metal is uncomfortable. Though your son doesn’t seem to mind.”

“He’s so cute when he sleeps on you,” Steve slurs a little, rubbing his cheek absently against Bucky’s sweater, and Bucky smiles. “He’s cute all the time, but he’s really cute when he’s sleeping on you. You both are.”

"I guess that explains the staring and the dopey smile you have on your face when I catch you looking," Bucky chuckles.

"It's kinda hard not to stare at you, cute baby or no," Steve mumbles, his eyes slipping closed.

"Hey, hey, no sleeping, I gotta get my midnight kiss and everything, you can't conk out yet," Bucky says and nudges him gently.

“I’m trying,” Steve insists, but he’s snuggling down closer into Bucky’s chest, fingers curling into the material of his sweater.

“Not too hard you’re not,” Bucky jokes, but it’s half-hearted. If Steve really needs the sleep, Bucky’s not going to keep him awake, but he wants to start the new year with Steve. And technically he could still be with Steve if they were passed out on Steve’s bed, but he’d rather be awake for it.

"Just gimme half an hour. I'll nap for half an hour and then you can wake me up and I'll be as good as new," Steve suggests and Bucky doubts the half hour will help anything, but Steve's halfway there already, so he combs his fingers through the other man's hair and kisses the top of his head.

"Half an hour, I'll wake you in time to see Westley outwit Vizzini," he says, but Steve's not really listening anymore.

Bucky settles in, letting himself fall into the rhythm of Steve’s breathing, the unique feeling of his big body lax and trusting in Bucky’s arms. He himself starts drifting as well, just a little bit, until his arm starts to go pins and needles from Steve’s weight on him. Then he twists around, nosing through Steve’s hair to kiss his head, across his forehead, down the crooked line of his nose until he starts to stir.

"Mmn, 's it time to wake up already?" Steve slurs, but he tilts his head up for more kisses without hesitation and Bucky smiles as he pecks his lips gently.

"Mhmm, up and at 'em," Bucky mumbles and leaves a trail of kisses along his cheek and down his jaw. “Maybe I can help you stay awake,” he suggests, kissing softly at the pout of Steve’s lower lip. “The baby is asleep, after all.”

“He’s gonna wake up the minute you get your hands under my shirt,” Steve grumbles, but he lets himself be pushed back into the couch, and Bucky crawls into his lap, scratching his fingers through Steve’s hair.

“Maybe we’ll have to keep your shirt on then,” Bucky mutters.

"I'm so tired we could totally grind on each other with all our clothes on like a couple of teenagers and I'd be happy," Steve sighs, his eyes fluttering shut for a different reason than fatigue.

"We could do that, but I'm aiming for something a little bit more exciting. And less messy," Bucky says and leans in to trail more kisses over Steve's neck.

"I don't know if I'm really up for exciting, but I'm not gonna say no."

Bucky trails his fingers down Steve’s chest, letting himself appreciate the washboard of Steve’s abs under his fingers. He cups his hand around Steve’s cock, rubbing at the firmness under his palm until Steve’s hips flex and he lets out a tiny pleased sound.

“Oh, I think you’re up for it,” Bucky mutters, placing a sucking kiss on Steve’s upper lip.

“I don’t know if I want to laugh or groan at that pun,” Steve admits, but he’s running his hands up the back of Bucky’s thighs, so Bucky figures he can work with it.

He keeps his hand on Steve's cock as he moves to lick into his mouth and he can't help a groan when Steve's hands squeeze his ass firmly.

"See? Not too tired for a little excitement," he says earning himself another teasing squeeze.

"Your hand is on my dick and you're dangling all of you in front of me, never too tired for that," Steve mutters.

Bucky hums happily, scooting in closer for another kiss. “I love you,” he whispers, and Steve grins at him, dopey and a little sleepy and absolutely everything Bucky wants in the coming year.

“I love you too,” Steve replies earnestly, and Bucky grins, brushing his nose against Steve’s and nipping his lip.

“I’m going to suck your dick now,” he says decisively, and Steve groans.

"You are the worst," he complains and Bucky just nods as he scoots down so he can undo Steve's pants. "Can't even have a moment with you without you turning it pervy."

"See, you say that, but your dick says you kinda like me being pervy," Bucky says and tugs Steve's pants and underwear down to his ankles.

"I hope this isn't your idea of dirty talk, because that was atrocious."

“Nah,” Bucky grins, noses along the furrow of muscles in Steve’s pelvis. “I’ll save the dirty talk for when you’re awake enough to appreciate it.”

“‘m awake,” Steve insists, and Bucky grins, waggling his eyebrows and finally leaning in all the way to lick at the head of Steve’s cock. There’s something about this he’s always loved, the blood-heat of it, the feeling of power he always gets, the intimacy of it.

Steve lets out a shuddering breath and his head thumps back into the couch and Bucky grins to himself as he sucks the tip into his mouth.

"God, Bucky," Steve moans.

Bucky can feel one of Steve's hand moving over his hair, his fingers combing through the fine strands and holding them away from his face, and when he looks up, he sees Steve staring back at him, his normally bright blue eyes darkened with lust.

“Yeah, you’re awake now,” Bucky murmurs hotly, and god, he wants Steve. He can’t remember the last person who made him feel like this, sexy and powerful and whole. Steve’s hand scratches through his hair, running his fingers through it, and Bucky grins at him, then nuzzles back at his cock, suckling a little near the base and then slides it back into his mouth.

His hands come down to rest on Steve's hips, pressing down just a little as he starts bobbing up and down. Steve's generally good at keeping still when they do this, but Bucky's noticed how his breath hitches, how he grows that little bit harder when he applies pressure with his hands, and he bets if he pulled off and looked at him, he'd find Steve blushing.

“Christ, Buck,” Steve groans, and fuck but he loves that. He loves the way Steve’s voice goes husky when he’s turned on, it makes him ache low between his legs, growing hard against the zipper of his jeans.

Steve’s fingers are fluttering against his hair, like he wants to pull and is forcing himself not to. Bucky tilts his head to look up the plane of Steve’s chest, pulling back a little so he doesn’t choke, and suckles on the head a bit, raising his eyebrow teasingly.

"A jerk even when you have my cock in your mouth," Steve says and Bucky sucks a little harder in retaliation, earning himself a tug at his hair. It's just the right amount: doesn't really hurt, and makes want shoot down his spine, makes him close his eyes and moan, and when he opens his eyes, Steve is looking at him in surprise. "You like that?" he asks and tugs again.

Bucky shivers, pulling his left hand off Steve’s hips to wrap one around the base of his cock, cupping Steve’s balls with the other as he pulls off. “A little,” he admits. “It’s just enough, I dunno. The long hair makes my scalp... sensitive I guess.”

Which earns him Steve’s fingers scratching against his scalp, tugging lightly at the strands until Bucky’s eyes fall shut and he tips his head back into Steve’s hands.

"Come up here," Steve murmurs, his hand still in Bucky's hair as he tugs him up, and Bucky gladly follows until they're face to face and Steve's kissing him hotly, still petting at his hair.

It probably shouldn't rev him up this much, but his dick hasn't been touched at all yet and he's aching in his pants, every touch of Steve's lips and every tug at his hair going straight to his groin.

He’s trying to avoid grinding against Steve’s stomach, but Steve’s not making it easy. “I was doing something,” he whispers against Steve’s mouth, and Steve laughs, stroking his hand through Bucky’s hair and down his spine, groping at Bucky’s ass just because he can.

“I love you,” Steve responds, and Bucky’s just so gone on this guy, he doesn’t even know how to deal with it.

“Yeah, I love you too, we already established this,” Bucky says fondly. He reaches down, curling his hand around Steve’s dick, thick and hard in his hand. “I really like this too. I’m gonna put it back in my mouth now, okay?”

Steve shakes with a sudden laugh. "You're terrible, so terrible, but yeah, I'd love that," he says fondly and presses one more kiss to Bucky's lips before he lets him slither back down between his legs.

Bucky gets his mouth back on Steve without preamble, sucking him down to where the knuckles of his fist meet his lips and then pulls back again, rolling his tongue around the tip. He can't really smile like this, but he wants to when he feels Steve's hand slide back into his hair, without any hesitation this time.

He lets himself get lost in the rhythm of it, eyes sliding shut, done teasing for the time being. Like this he can focus on Steve’s breathing, on the twitching of the muscles in his hips, the tensing of his thighs on both sides of Bucky’s head. Steve’s fingers pet through his hair, and Bucky lets it guide him, earnestly chasing Steve’s pleasure now.

“Fuck,” Steve swears softly, and Bucky knows he’s biting his lip to stifle his moans, even without having to look up.

He can tell that Steve is close when he starts going tense, his thighs locking up and the hand he has in Bucky's hair gripping tighter.

"'m gonna come, 'm gonna come," Steve mumbles as if on cue and Bucky keeps the steady rhythm he's set, taking Steve as deep as he comfortably can. He holds still when the first spurt of Steve's come hits his tongue, letting Steve empty himself in his mouth before he swallows and then gently laps up everything he's missed.

“Ohhh, Jesus,” Steve pants, slumping back into the couch and going boneless. “Fuck, Bucky.” And Bucky laughs, resting his cheek on Steve’s thigh to look up at him fondly. He keeps rubbing his thumbs at the muscle of Steve’s hips as he floats through the last sparks of his orgasm, watching him come down gently.

But now that he doesn’t have anything else to focus on, his own erection is much harder to ignore, and he absentmindedly pulls his hand off Steve’s hip to cup himself through his pants.

"You feeling neglected down there?" Steve says and he sounds hazy, his eyes going droopy again when Bucky looks up at him, but he still reaches for him.

"A little, but you don't look like you're up for much more," he says as he scoots up so he's hovering over Steve, elbows either side of his head. He leans down to peck Steve's nose and smiles when he scrunches up his face adorably.

"You might've just sucked all the energy I had out of me, pun intended," Steve says and keeps talking over Bucky's groan. "But I'm not gonna leave my guy hanging."

“Hmmmm,” Bucky hums happily, letting himself get pulled down into a long, sweet, syrupy kiss. Steve grins when they pull back, blinks slowly and slides his hand down Bucky’s spine to grope lazily at his ass. But he still looks like he’s about to fall asleep, and Bucky nips at his jaw, struck with sudden inspiration. “Take a shower with me?” he suggests, and Steve grins.

“I think I can get on board with that,” Steve agrees. “We might miss the ball drop though.”

“Babe, it’s not even 10:30,” Bucky points out, chuckling when Steve groans, head falling back against the back of the couch.

"This honestly feels like the longest New Year's ever, I feel like I've been awake for a week," he whines and for a moment Bucky genuinely feels bad.

"If you're really that tired, you can go to bed Steve. I'm not gonna keep you up just for my sake," he says softly, running his fingers through Steve's hair.

Steve sighs and leans into it, but shakes his head. "Joey's asleep and there's nothing else to worry about. We don't get a lot of moments like this, I don't wanna spend them sleeping."

Bucky bites his lip against a rush of fondness, petting his hands through Steve’s hair. “My guy, such a sap,” he teases, softening his words with a kiss when Steve pouts at him. “C’mon, babe. Come get wet with me.”

“You are just full of awful lines tonight,” Steve complains, but he lets Bucky clamber off his lap and reaches after him. Bucky grabs his hand and pulls him up, sneaking in another kiss before he heads off down the hall. Steve shucks his pants, and follows after him, grinning like a dope.

Bucky already has the shower going when Steve joins him and presses him gently into the tile. "I ever tell you I like you all naked and wet?" he all but purrs as he starts kissing down Bucky's neck and Bucky snorts.

"Now who's the one with terrible lines?" he says, but tilts his head back, pressing closer into Steve.

It’s almost too easy to get lost in kissing through the steam, warm water cascading down around them and Steve’s arms wrapping him up. The door to the bathroom is propped open so they can hear the baby if he wakes up, but there’s an illusion of privacy, and Bucky’s already hard cock is aching by the time they break apart to breathe.

"What do you want?" Steve asks breathlessly, but the way his hands keep cupping Bucky's ass and how he's crowding him into the wall is pretty good indication of what he wants and Bucky's completely on board with that.

"In me please, want you in me," he gasps and is rewarded by Steve's fingers slipping between his cheeks, fingers ghosting over his opening.

Bucky loses some more time in kissing, trailing down to suck on Steve’s collarbones, and he’s distracted enough to moan in surprise when Steve’s fingers come back, slick and warm and rubbing against him in all the right ways. He props up a foot on the edge the tub to get Steve better access, but that brings his dick to rub against Steve’s hip, and Jesus fucking Christ, he’s not going to last.

Thankfully Steve isn't playing around, gives him one finger and then the second, stretches him open nice and thorough as Bucky clings to him and can't help but rut against his hip to give himself some relief.

"You ready for me?" Steve murmurs as he has three fingers in him, pressing up against his prostate deliciously and Bucky nods helplessly. "Yeah, come on, come on," he urges.

It’s a slow, luxurious fuck, the kind they’ve never had time for before. Bucky’s toes curl with it, and he holds onto Steve desperately, aching from the pleasure and the fullness. He’s still not used to this yet, the depth and the intimacy that is sex with Steve, and it knocks him sideways.

“You feel so–“ he starts, and cuts himself off with a moan as Steve pushes in just right and grinds on his prostate. “You feel so fucking good, I’m gonna come.”

Steve's only response is to get an arm under his elevated leg, hiking it up even further, and press his full bulk against Bucky as he fucks him deep and hard, making Bucky whimper. His cock is still trapped between their bodies, rubbing against Steve's belly with every powerful thrust, and it doesn't take long for him to topple over the edge and make a mess of the both of them.

Steve fucks him through it, slowing through the aftershocks, until he’s just grinding his cock deep inside. It’s nice, even after the orgasm, and Bucky lets himself float on it for a while, but eventually the pleasure begins to shade into oversensitivity and he has to pull back. 

“Sorry,” he whispers reluctantly, but Steve shakes his head.

“Hush,” he murmurs, and cups Bucky’s face with both hands, kissing him sweetly. “I already got off once. And you’re fucking gorgeous when you come.”

“Still not going to just leave you hanging, though,” Bucky protests.

Steve shakes his head and nuzzles at Bucky's cheek. "You've already taken care of me once today, you don't have to do it again," he says and wraps an arm around Bucky as he slowly eases himself out and Bucky can't help but clench at the empty feeling left behind.

"But you're still hard, I'm not gonna -" he starts, but Steve shushes him with another kiss and wraps a hand around himself.

Jesus, watching Steve’s big hand work over his own cock, the tension in his abs, and the way it makes his pecs flex, that’s not something Bucky was prepared for.

“Christ,” he whispers, reaching out for Steve, scratching his fingers lightly down the washboard of Steve’s abs. Steve's cock is huge and hard, and Bucky can’t stop himself from reaching out to curl his fingers around it, tangling them with Steve’s. “Where’d you get this thing, huh?” he breathes, mouth against Steve’s lips, and Steve laughs at him.

"Pretty sure I was born with it," he says, voice hitching as he moves their hands to thumb over the slit.

"There's a joke I could make here, but Jesus, just look at you, look at your pretty cock, so big. And you're so hard Steve, aren't you? So ready to come," Bucky says and smiles when it makes Steve whine and shiver.

"C'mon huh? Work that pretty cock of yours and come all over me," he encourages.

“Bucky, fucking hell,” Steve whines, and then he is coming, head tipping back into the spray of water and shuddering hard. Bucky slides one of his hands up to thumb at Steve’s nipple and his entire body jolts. It makes Bucky smile, private and pleased, and he tucks his face against Steve’s neck.

“Fuck,” Steve breathes out after a minute, and Bucky laughs, moving to kiss the point of his chin.

“Pretty much,” he agrees.

They stay slumped together like that for a few more moments and then detangle so they can shower properly. Steve's movements become a little sluggish again, his lack of sleep catching up to him, and Bucky helps him get clean before taking care of himself. He gets out of the shower first and gets them both towels and by the time they're dry and dressed in fresh clothes, Steve's eyes are barely staying open.

“Tell you what,” Bucky murmurs fondly. “Let’s get ready for bed, and head back into the living room. I’ll set an alarm on my phone for 5 minutes until midnight, and you can sleep until then, okay?”

Steve makes a sound of protest, which gets cut off by a yawn. Bucky laughs at him, unashamed, and Steve pinches his side. “Being a parent is exhausting,” he grumbles defensively.

“I know,” Bucky says, and reaches up to push Steve’s wet hair off his face. “That’s why I’m telling you to sleep.”

"You'll go and check on Joey, right?" Steve mumbles.

"Of course I will, soon as you're situated," Bucky promises and does just that. He brings a blanket out into the living room with them and tucks Steve into it and Steve's out like a light before Bucky pulls away from the kiss he places on his forehead.

Joey is conked out hard just like his father when Bucky checks on him, so Bucky returns to the living room and wiggles in next to Steve under the blanket and curls up to watch TV on mute while he waits for his alarm to go off.He honestly doesn’t expect to fall asleep himself but he does, about ten minutes later. 

He wakes up to the sound of his phone buzzing on the coffee table and Steve blinking sleepily at him. “Hey,” Steve mumbles, smiling softly, and Bucky swears he can feel his heart melt right out of his chest.

“Hey yourself,” Bucky grins and noses over for a kiss. “It’s almost 2016.”

“Yep,” Steve agrees, and he cuddles a little closer to Bucky. “Got any resolutions?”

"Nah, not really, 's not really something I do," Bucky shrugs. It's not an outright lie, he doesn't set goals for himself at New Year's, but there are things he needs to work on, things he's not comfortable mentioning now because they would ruin the peaceful moment they're having. "What about you? I bet you have at least five."

“Stop cussing around Joey,” Steve lists obediently. “Stop eating so much take-out and actually _cook_ more. Spend more time with Ma so she doesn’t feel like a glorified babysitter. Keep this guy I’m pretty fond of happy so he sticks around."

"I think that last one is gonna be pretty easy," Bucky says, sliding an arm around Steve's waist.

"Yeah, you think so?" Steve asks, scooting that little bit closer, and Bucky nods.

"Super easy, easiest resolution to keep ever, you can already cross it off the list," he says and chases Steve's giggles with his lips. They keep on kissing until they hear the fireworks going off outside and they pause to smile at each other.

"Happy New Year Bucky," Steve murmurs. 

“Happy New Year,” Bucky returns and leans in for more kisses.

___

Joey really likes being outside, so Bucky's time with him in the new year is mostly spent walking around their neighborhood or the local park, pushing Joey in a stroller or carrying him on his hip. Bucky still doesn't have proper winter clothes, so the wind and icy air always end up seeping through and he feels a bit like an icicle, but he has to admit being outside probably does both of them some good, and they both come home to Steve exhausted but happy.

One morning when Steve has a half-day at work, Bucky takes Joey to the park in the morning. They come across a man feeding pigeons and Joey is immediately taken with them, so Bucky ends up buying some bread from a nearby bakery, and they spend a while sitting on a bench and throwing crumbs at the birds. Even though his fingers ache with cold, because of course he didn’t bring gloves, Bucky’s so happy by the time they head home.

He can see the light’s from on under Steve’s front door when they get home and figures he got home early, so he just heads over there as soon as they get in. He digs Steve’s spare keys out of the notch by the door, and walks in

“Hey, you got home early –“ he starts, and then pauses when he takes in the scene in the apartment. Steve’s sitting in the living room with two severe looking people.

They don't look happy and Steve looks tense too. Bucky doesn't know what's going on, but his instinct is to curl protectively around the baby, though judging by the looks they're giving him, that might just make things worse.

Steve gets up and walks over to Bucky and Joey, pecking Bucky on the cheek and cupping Joey’s face gently, taking the moment to quickly whisper: “I’m sorry, they pretty much ambushed me.” Louder, he says: “Bucky, I’d like you to meet Joey’s other grandparents, Mary and Arthur Carter. Mary, Arthur, this is Bucky.”

Bucky's stomach goes cold with something like dread, but he makes himself drag up a smile. Shifting Joey’s weight to his left hip, he reaches out with his good hand. "Nice to meet you," he offers hesitantly.

They both shake his hand and Mary offers him a terse smile while Arthur eyes him critically from head to toe, his eyes stopping on the metal hand for a moment. “I’m still not sure I understand, you’re Joseph’s nanny?” he asks, as if he hadn’t seen Steve kiss him on the cheek just a moment ago.

"Um," Bucky says hesitantly, having no idea what Steve told them about him. He glances over at the other man. "I watch him sometimes while Steve's at work, but I'm Steve's..." he trails off helplessly, looking at Steve for guidance.

"He’s my boyfriend, Arthur, I tried to explain earlier, but you weren’t listening," Steve says, voice tight.

"I see," Arthur says primly, "And how long were you cheating on our daughter before she died?" All color seems to drain from Steve's face, and Bucky cries out in protest.

"I didn't even _meet_ Steve until he moved back to Brooklyn. He loved Peggy!"

"If he loved her, then what is he doing with you now?" Mary all but sneers. "I always knew there was something off about you. Peggy wouldn’t listen, but I knew. It hasn’t even been a year since she died and here you are, cavorting with this man, this bum, and letting him spend time with our grandson. It would have been bad enough if he was just the nanny, but that you’ve taken him as a lover. I thought you at least had good taste," she spits.

Bucky feels his stomach turn over. Knowing Steve's Ma's hesitance toward him was bad enough, but this is even harder to take. Joey seems to notice the tension in his body and starts wiggling in his grip, making unhappy noises, and Bucky knows he should do something, but he just feels numb and isn’t sure how to respond until Steve speaks up. 

“Bucky, please take Joey to his room and get him changed from his snow clothes, it’s probably getting a bit warm for him in here,” he says gently.

Bucky nods and walks out of the living room with a calm he doesn’t really feel. He closes the door behind them, but it barely muffles the argument that starts up in the other room.

“I know this is a surprise for you two and it’s a lot to take in, but it’s your own fault,” he can hear Steve say, and he pauses in the hallway to listen. He can’t help but want to eavesdrop, curiosity and cold dread settling into his stomach. Steve sounds angry and Joey is picking up on it, so Bucky walks into the nursery and does his best to distract him as he starts undressing him. He leaves the door open, though, so he can still hear Steve and the Carters in the living room. 

“You’ve been out of touch for months and haven’t made any attempt to see your grandson and then you show up here without any warning. You can’t come into my apartment and start judging the way I live my life and raise my son after you haven’t even so much as called to make sure we’re okay,” Steve’s voice carries. “Bucky has been here for us when we were practically strangers and he’s done so much to help us, there is no way I’ll just stand here and let you badmouth him. We’ve never gotten along well and I don’t expect that to change, and I don’t have any intention of keeping you away from Joey, but if you want to be in his life, you’re going to need to change your attitude,” he finishes, and his voice sounds tight like he’s trying not to shout, but isn’t really succeeding.

Joey whimpers softly, and Bucky finishes tugging off his snow suit, putting him down in his crib while he folds it up. Joey stands right back up, though, clinging to the bars of his crib and starting at Bucky. “Dada?” he whines, and Bucky shushes him softly, leaning down to kiss the soft fluffy hair on the top of his head while the voices continue in the living room.

"If you honestly think Peggy would approve of the way you're conducting yourself," Mrs Carter starts but Steve cuts her off.

"Peggy knew I'm bisexual. She knew before we started dating. Do you honestly think Peggy would want us to be alone?"

"She certainly wouldn’t want that man taking care of her child!" she shouts. "He looks unkempt and what on earth is wrong with his arm? Who knows what sort of bad things he’s exposing Joseph to!" Bucky’s heart seizes in his chest, shame and anxiety, and he kneels down until he’s eye level with Joey in front of the crib, cooing at him to try and distract him.

"You know nothing about him!" Steve shouts back. "He lost his arm during military service, but even if he lost it in a car accident or something else, it wouldn't matter. He's been nothing but good for Joey. He’s better with him than I am, half the time!"

It’s deathly quiet for a moment and Bucky is waiting for some kind of response, because he knows it’s coming. “Then perhaps you shouldn’t be the one taking care of him,” Arthur says and he sounds calm, calculating. “I told Mary after the funeral it wasn’t the best idea to leave Joseph with you, but she wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Looks like she was wrong.”

"Try it," Steve says coldly. "You're not American citizens, he is. You think you'd win in an international custody fight? I provide for him, I'm around as much as I physically can be and still do that, and he's with my mom most of the rest of the time."

"We’ll see about that. You’ll be hearing from our lawyers soon. We’ll see ourselves out," Arthur says, and the next thing Bucky hears is the front door slamming shut.

It’s loud enough to make Joey start wailing and Bucky shushes him gently, picks him back up to rock him in his arms. The yelling is over, and while Joey needs to be calmed down, Bucky also needs to know that Steve is okay after the Carters dropped that bomb on him. He hurries back out with the baby in his arms, and when he finds Steve sitting on the floor in the hallway, crumpled up like he’s made of paper, he immediately rushes to his side.

He sits down on the floor in front of him and Joey immediately reaches out for his dad who takes him in his arms and holds him tightly.

“Are you okay?” Bucky whispers.

"They're gonna take him away," Steve all but sobbs, panic rising in his voice as he speaks. "They're gonna challenge me for custody and I can’t afford a lawyer, I can barely afford rent and food and baby stuff. They're gonna take my baby away, Bucky!"

It’s sinking in for Bucky too, and he feels like someone punched him in the gut, it’s hard to breathe for a moment. It only lasts for a second before he snaps himself out of it, because Steve is in pain and no matter how much this hurts Bucky, it’s about a million times worse for Steve. He scoots forward so he can wrap his arms around the both of them and rests his head against the other man’s. “Listen to me, Steve. We’re not gonna let them. We’ll figure something out, they won’t take Joey away from you,” he says with conviction. Steve can’t lose Joey, he won’t, Bucky will do everything he can to make sure of that.

"They've never liked me. They're the reason Peggy and I never got married. They threatened to cut her off if we did. We thought that after a while they’d see we were really in love and then we found out she was pregnant. They seemed to have warmed up to the idea of us being a family, but it was all pretend. They all but dropped off the earth after Peggy died," Steve says, wiping at the tears on his face.

"You’re his father, Steve, you take good care of him. Any judge will be able to see that and you said it yourself, they haven’t really been in the picture at all, Joey doesn’t even know them. They don’t have a case besides the fact that they don’t approve of your dating choices," Bucky says a little bitterly. "And if that becomes an issue, I’ll step back, you won’t lose him over me."

"No," Steve says desperately, juggling the whimpering baby in his lap so he can get ahold of Bucky. "No, I can't, I can't lose either of you, I can't. You're family, we're a family, I need you, Buck. Joey needs you."

Bucky closes his eyes and clutches back just as tightly. “I need you too, both of you,” he says, eyes going watery. “We’ll figure it out, they won’t break us apart, I won’t let them,” he swears.

"I love you," Steve says into Bucky's shoulder. They rearrange themselves so Steve is sitting in the V of Bucky's legs, still cuddling Joey desperately to his chest, Joey watching Bucky over Steve's shoulder "I'm so sorry about this, Buck."

"Hey, you couldn’t have known they were going to show up and start shit, it’s not your fault," Bucky says and nuzzles into the back of Steve’s neck. "We’ll get through this," he says, his mind already whirring with ideas and who he could call for help.

___

They get the referral for their lawyer, Maria Hill, from Bucky’s counselor at the VA. She’s worked with Vets trying to keep custody of their kids before, and she sounds like the kind of no-nonsense person who can handle this weird case. Bucky’s nervous as hell about meeting her, he feels guilty and he’s pretty sure that the best way for Steve to win this case is for Bucky to back off from it.

But Steve insists that Bucky come too, because he’s as much, if not more of a caregiver to Joey as Steve is at this point, and while Bucky doesn’t have any kind of legal guardianship to lose, Steve insists that he’s still a part of their life.

He does his best to look presentable for the appointment, shaves, pulls his hair back, dresses in his nicest jeans and shirt. He knows he's being a bit ridiculous. They're going to see her because she'll help them. She's not going to take Joey away from them, but he still feels like he needs to look his best, make a good impression.

"Should I be jealous?" Steve asks when they meet in the hallway. "You never dress up like this for me." He's trying to lighten the mood, but Bucky can tell he's nervous too.

"What's the point in dressing up if you're going to take it off me anyway?" he replies with a wink. "That, or I might get spat on by Joey."

“We've already established that you rock the spit up covered shirts,” Steve teases, tugging Bucky in for soft kiss.

It’s a veneer of playfulness over Steve’s own anxiety, but Bucky’ll take it. They hold hands all the way to the subway, where it’s crowded enough to separate them. They left Steve’s car with Sarah in case she needs to take Joey anywhere, so they ride the subway all the way into midtown together.

Maria Hill’s office is in the middle of Manhattan, not too far from Stark Tower, so the commute is very familiar to Bucky. “I come this way from my prosthetic appointments,” he says nonchalantly.

Steve looks like he wants to ask about it, now that Bucky's given him an opening, and Bucky's not sure he's relieved or disappointed when he doesn't. It's for the best though; now is not the right time for that conversation.

They hold hands again as they walk from the subway to the nice building the lawyer's office is situated in and just looking at it makes Bucky's stomach clench. They wanted a good lawyer and good lawyers don't come cheap.

The inside looks about as expensive as the outside, and when they walk into Hill's office Bucky's anxiety rises up again. Maria Hill is a head shorter than him, but she looks like she means business, and the assessing look she gives the both of them makes him feel too exposed.

“Mr. Rogers, Sergeant Barnes,” she greets them with a brusque handshake. “My name is Maria Hill. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Steve returns, and Bucky nods, shaking her hand, and then stuffs his hands in his pockets. He’s wearing long sleeves and a glove on his prosthetic, but he still feels unbelievably self conscious.

“I’ll get right to business, if you don’t mind,” Maria says, sitting down behind her desk, and gesturing for them to take a seat on the other side. “I’ve reviewed the suit sent by the Carters’ representatives. In my opinion, their case is basically groundless, since their main complaint is that you’re leaving your son with your partner while you work. It’s clearly homophobic in nature, but depending on which judge you get, that could present a problem.”

"So... there's a chance we might actually lose him?" Steve asks, and his voice sounds so small, Bucky immediately reaches over and takes hold of his hand.

"It's a slim chance, but it's possible," Hill says. "Grandparents can only be awarded custody over a biological parent if there is clear evidence of neglect or abuse. There's neither in your case, but they will try to play up the fact that your child needs a mother and a father figure, which they could provide for him. They're also likely going to play the money angle. You do well for yourself, but they're considerably better off than you are and they're going to argue they can offer him more. That and the fact that you spend a lot of time at work and consequently leave Joey with Mr. Barnes could convince a more conservative judge that they have a solid case," she explains.

"But you don't have to worry yet, our first meeting won't be a court case, we'll just be meeting with the judge to discuss their claim and present the so called evidence and then the judge will decide if there's grounds for an actual court hearing."

Steve takes a deep breath and nods, squeezing Bucky’s hand. “I was hoping the fact that they’re not American citizens would help?”

“It might, if it comes to that,” she admits, inclining her head. “My hope is to avoid it going that far. Dragging this through an actual court hearing is more time and money than I imagine you’d like to spend on this. There’s some things we can do to be proactive, like requesting an observation from Child Protect Services to have a positive review to present. There isn’t a much better way to present solid proof that you can provide a good home for him.”

"Okay, okay yeah, we can do that. How do we put in a request?" Steve asks.

"You won't have to do anything, I'll get in contact with them and set everything up. You won't know when they'll be coming by, so you can't set anything up and they'll really get to see how you handle things, but whoever comes by will have identification on them and they'll stay a while, have a look at your home, how Joey is doing, nothing major," Hill says and Steve nods again.

It doesn't really sit well with Bucky, that some stranger is going to come in and watch his little family like a hawk. But if it means that it'll help them keep Joey, he'll grit his teeth and get through it with a smile on his face.

Maria turns to him, and he’s faced down bullets that intimidated him less. “I don’t mean to be indelicate, but we need an open dialogue between us if this is going to work. I know Sam Wilson recommended me to you, and I know the groups he runs are PTSD recovery groups. Do you deal with disassociation or frequent flash-backs, or anything else that might reflect badly on you as a caregiver?”

Bucky bites his lip. He doesn't want to talk to her about any of this, he's barely talked about this with Steve, but - it's for Joey.

"I have bad days, still have nightmares often. Flashbacks used to happen a lot when I got back home, but they've lessened. I've never had one in front of Joey or Steve, and I keep to my own place when I have bad days. Steve knows some of my stuff, but as far as Joey is concerned, he doesn't know anything is wrong," he answers truthfully.

Maria nods. “That’s good enough. I’m sure you know I’ve worked with Vets trying to keep custody of their children before. If you’re able to be aware of your own mental state enough to regulate your time with them like that, I don’t think there’s any reason to think you can’t be a responsible partial caregiver.”

“He’s great,” Steve says sincerely. “Better than I am.”

“Best not to say things like that to the judge,” Maria points out, but she’s got a smile hiding around the corners of her mouth.

Steve smiles sheepishly and ducks his head and he's so adorable, Bucky can't help the smile that pulls up on his own face.

"Unless you have any more questions for me, that will be all for now," Hill breaks up the moment.

"No, I think, I think everything is clear so far," Steve answers and she nods.

"Okay, then I will set up everything with child services and we'll get in touch after they do their observation."

Bucky’s preoccupied enough as they walk out that it takes him a moment to realize once they get outside that Steve’s stopped, leaning against a wall with his hands over his face.

“Steve?” he asks, concerned, turning and walking back. Gently, he pries Steve’s hands away from his face, heart sinking once he realizes Steve’s crying.

“I’m so scared,” Steve chokes out, and collapses into Bucky’s arms when he pulls him down for a hug.

Bucky tucks Steve's face into the crook of his neck and runs a soothing hand down his back, letting him cry onto his shoulder.

"I'm scared too," he admits quietly, doing his best to keep it together. He can't fall apart too. "But we'll fight for him. Even if it comes to the worst, we'll keep fighting and we won't let them take him."

"I can't lose him Bucky, not him too," Steve sobs and god, Bucky wants to go find the Carters and tear them apart for doing this to Steve.

“I know,” Bucky soothes, “But she says our case is good. We’re doing the best we can, Steve.”

“What if it’s not enough?” Steve mutters, and Bucky swallows thickly. He doesn’t have an answer for that. Losing Joey will destroy Steve, he knows that.

"We'll get through this, no matter what happens. I'm here and I'll be here no matter what the outcome is," he ends ups saying. And it's not enough. Neither of them will be okay if they lose Joey, but this is one thing he can promise, he at least is going to stay.

Steve only clings to him harder and Bucky clings right back and lets Steve cry himself out. It's the only thing he can do right now, and it hurts that he can't do more, but he'll be a pillar for Steve and hope that they come through this unscathed.

___

In the days after, it feels like there's a dark cloud looming over them, and Steve looks more worn out than ever. He could barely hide his anxiety right after they met with Hill, and he's gotten it under control now, on the outside at least, but Bucky can see the way it eats at him constantly and how hard he tries not to break down every time he's with Joey.

Bucky does the best he can to be strong for him, helps out around the apartment more, takes on some of the chores to make Steve’s life easier, but he’s not doing so good himself. He’s gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing since he got back home - it’s the only way he can function sometimes - but this time he can’t shake the feeling that he’s the problem in this situation. If it weren’t for him, Steve wouldn’t be in danger of losing Joey now.

He won’t tell Steve though, not right away, but they spend so much time together he knows Steve’s going to pick up on it eventually. He ends up just watching Steve and Joey interact a lot, guilt churning in his stomach as he watches them together.

He doesn’t realize how quiet it makes him, some nights, until Steve touches his arm, concerned, and says, “Are you okay, baby? You know you can leave if you want to, I won’t be offended.”

"No, I don't want to leave, I want to be here," Bucky answers quickly, because god, leaving is the last thing he wants to do.

"And I want you here," Steve says and runs a comforting hand down his back. "But there's something going on with you, and it's got me a little worried. What's been on your mind?"

Worrying Steve is exactly why Bucky doesn't want to tell him. He doesn't want to add more to the shit Steve's already dealing with. But the guilt has been piling up and with Steve looking at him so earnestly, he can't hold back anymore.

“This is all my fault,” Bucky admits, crossing his arms over his stomach. “You wouldn’t be in danger of losing him if it weren’t for me. If you weren’t dating me, they would never have thought you couldn’t take care of him. I feel so awful, Steve, if you lose him because of me I will never forgive myself," he says, and he hates the way his voice cracks; he doesn't want to cry right now.

Steve’s face shifts from concerned to horrified, and he’s pulling Bucky close, and cupping his cheeks and saying with all earnestness, “Baby, it’s not your fault. You have been nothing but helpful, nothing but a loving partner and father and that’s all.”

“But I’m not his father,” Bucky says, and he’s still trying not to cry. “And you are, but you could lose him because of me."

"Bucky... you love him. You feed him and put him to bed and change his diapers and play with him. You were here for Christmas and his first words and he's probably gonna walk straight into your arms the first time he's able to, because he loves you too. As far as he and I are concerned, you're his dad, too," Steve says with conviction.

Bucky sighs, and curls into Steve’s chest, fingers clutching the soft material of Steve’s sweater. “I just don’t want our family to fall apart because of me,” Bucky whispers.

“I’d still be queer without you,” Steve points out. “I’d be less capable of taking care of a baby because I’d be working all the time, and having to leave him with my Ma or at daycare or missing work. You only make me better, sweetheart."

Bucky swallows and closes his eyes, trying to make himself believe it. "I still feel bad. No matter how you turn it, they're trying to take him because they saw me and didn't like me one bit. And I can't... Steve, if they take him it's gonna eat me alive."

“Me too,” Steve says, and chokes up a little on the words. “But I’m still gonna love you, Bucky Barnes. And he’s not gone yet. We still have someone from CPS coming by. We’ve still got a chance. ”

"I’m thinking about setting up an appointment to get my hair cut," Bucky confesses. “Cut it short and dress nice. Can't do anything about the arm, but at least I'll look more presentable for the meeting with the judge."

Steve sighs, and runs his hand through Bucky’s hair. “I wish you didn’t have to do that. But it probably won’t hurt, and hair can always grow back, right? But your arm’s not a bad thing, Buck. It’s a proof of your service. You have medals of valor and an honorable discharge to go along with it. That should count for something in court.”

Bucky doesn't respond to that, not feeling up to that conversation. Scrubbing a hand over his face, he whispers, “I want to do everything I can to make this right.”

“It’s not your _fault_ ,” Steve insists, and Bucky tries to believe him, but he doesn't think any amount of reassurance will stick until Joey is no longer in danger of being taken away.

___

It’s hard to find free days to spend as a family with Steve working overtime to try and pay for the lawyer fees, but they do the best they can. Bucky spends almost every day with Joey by himself, and usually ends up coming over to take over from Sarah on the days he has therapy. He knows how badly it’s draining Steve, how much he wants to be with Joey more than anything in the world right now.

They make the most of the days they do have, trying to spend as much time together as they can. Bucky tries not to think _in case it all goes wrong_ , but it sort of feels like they’re hoarding moments.

On one of Steve’s rare days off, Bucky makes it over to their apartment to find both of them up and about. Joey’s crawling up a storm and almost powers out the door the second Bucky opens it, but Bucky catches him in time.

"Sorry, he's just full of energy today, it's like someone flipped the on switch as soon as I got him out of the crib," Steve apologizes, walking over to give Bucky a good morning kiss.

“Apparently,” Bucky says with a grin, and warmth curls down Bucky’s spine at the kiss. Joey babbles happily in his arms, little fist latching on Bucky’s hair and tugging. “Oh, I’m sorry, was I paying attention to your dad instead of you for a minute?”

Joey lets out a little squeal and lets go of Bucky's hair to pat on his face instead and suddenly plants his lips against Bucky's cheek.

Bucky freezes, a little stunned, and Joey babbles at him, patting his face again. “Well, aren’t you clever,” Bucky says fondly, glancing over at Steve, who’s looking at the two of them like he’s never seen anything better in his whole life. Bucky flushes a little, ducking his head to press a kiss to Joey’s cheek in return, which makes him giggle.

"That's the first time I've seen him do that," Steve says, a little awed. "I guess he's really been paying attention, the little attention hog," he teases. "I've been trying to put him down so I could feed him breakfast, but he wasn't having it, maybe he'll listen to his favorite if you give it a go."

“Oh hush, you say that like he doesn’t cry when you leave in the morning for at least five minutes,” Bucky says, bouncing Joey gently on his hip. “Between the two of us we should be able to get him to behave. Then maybe we can do something to burn off his energy?"

"The weather is nice; we could take him to the park," Steve suggests. "I just bought him a new snowsuit, so he can roll around in the snow until he exhausts himself."

Bucky lights up with grin. “Perfect, that sounds perfect. You want to go to the park, buddy?” Joey looks over at his father, and babbles seriously at him. Bucky grins, kissing the side of Joey’s head and making his way into the kitchen. “Oh man, do you have a sled? I used to drag Becca around the park on a sled in the winter, like sleigh.”

"I'd have to check my basement storage, but I think I still have my old sled. Or my mom might. Let's get him fed and then I'll go down and see," Steve says and goes over to the cupboards. "I've been trying to get him to eat dry cheerios, but he doesn't seem into it today and the only other thing I have is this yogurt which has not been a resounding success in the past." he says.

Bucky hums, thinking. “Do you have bananas?” When Steve nods, Bucky grins, and passes Joey off to him. Opening the cupboard, Bucky snags the jar of peanut butter, and a banana off the counter, and proceeds cut up the banana, spreading peanut butter on the sections at the end. “Here, try him with this?"

Steve puts the plate of food down in fruit of Joey, watching him curiously. Joey seems hesitant at first, but had apparently decides it smells nice enough and picks up a piece to try, then immediately goes back for more. "You're only eating it because Bucky made it," Steve accuses, but there’s no heat in it.

“Would you want to eat dry cereal every morning?” Bucky teases, grabbing a loaf of bread off the counter. “I can’t cook for adults very well, but apparently I can cook for babies. And I can make eggs on toast, if you haven’t eaten breakfast yet?"

"I've had my hands full with this little monster, haven't had time to feed myself yet. Eggs on toast sounds lovely," Steve says. He sits Joey in the highchair and pulls up a chair to sit in front of him and continues feeding him.

When Bucky’s done making them breakfast they put Joey on the floor with some toys and sit down cross-legged in front of the couch, plates on their laps. They watch him play while they eat, Steve recounting a story from work the previous day. Joey’s getting restless by the time they’re done eating, having crawled over to his father and hauled himself up by Steve’s shirt to stand, clutching tightly to the material. “He’s gonna be standing on his own soon,” Bucky observes.

"I should be happy about that, but I only feel dread at him becoming even more mobile," Steve says and puts an arm around Joey for support. "You're going to be a little terror," he says to Joey who laughs happily. "See? He's already scheming. But I see right through you, yes I do," he coos and tickles Joey's stomach, making him laugh harder.

Bucky pulls his knees up to his chest, arms crossing over them. “I kind of dread the day he doesn’t want to be picked up any more. He’s so affectionate right now,” Bucky says softly, watching Steve help Joey balance with a small smile. “I know you worry about it, but god, he loves you so much, Steve.”

"Yeah, he really does, doesn't he?" Steve says, and he gets that awed smile on his face he only ever wears looking at his son. "He loves you too you know. And I know I make a fuss about it, but I love that he's so attached to you."

Bucky grins, and rests his chin on his crossed arms. “I kinda like it too,” he admits, watching his boys together. Joey seems to get tired of standing, flopping forward into his father’s lap with a delighted shriek. “Ready to go to the park, sweetheart?”

Joey seems to gurgle in assent and Steve picks him up and carries him to his room so he can get him dressed. "You go and get changed too. It's gonna be too hot for him to stay in for too long once I bundle him up," he says to Bucky.

Joey’s basically a giant marshmallow by the time Bucky comes back in his jacket, hat and scarf. Joey’s already starting to overheat and fuss, and Bucky holds him and tries to soothe him while Steve throws on a jacket and some gloves. The sun is still shining when they get outside, the air crisp and smelling of snow.

They’ve only been out in the snow as a family a couple times before, so it's still pretty new to Steve, and Joey’s already squirming in his arms by the time they make it to a nice thick patch. "You can let him loose now," Bucky says dramatically.

Steve puts him down gently, expecting him to crawl away immediately. But the snow comes halfway up his arms, and he actually holds still for a couple minutes, patting the snow curiously. He looks up at his father and Bucky and holds out a snow covered mitten. “No?” he asks, and Bucky laughs, crouching down next to the baby. 

“I’m still not entirely sure you know what that word means, sweetheart."

"No!" Joey smiles and reaches out to pat the snow over Bucky's face. There's a click and the sound of a shutter and when Bucky looks over, Steve has his phone out. 

"Need to preserve the cuteness for posterity,” Steve says cheekily, and Bucky rolls his eyes.

The fresh snow is shallow enough that Joey can still crawl through it, and he does, heading off in a seemingly random direction. Bucky laughs, standing up and reaching for Steve’s hand, and they walk together hand in hand after the baby. “How do you play with a baby in the snow?” Steve asks, sound a little bit lost. “Are we supposed to just let him crawl around until he gets pneumonia?”

"He's not gonna get pneumonia," Bucky says reassuringly. "And we could try building a snowman? Make a snow Joey? " he suggests. "Hey Joey, do you want to build a snowman?" he calls to the baby who is still steadily racing through the snow.

“No!” Joey calls back, motoring away and Steve sighs, looking up at the sky. “This is gonna be rough,” he says to Bucky, and Bucky laughs, tipping his head back and swinging Steve’s hand.

“We’ll be fine,” Bucky assures him, tugging Steve in by his scarf for a kiss.

“Go pick him up, we’ll give the snowman a shot.”

Bucky speeds up a bit to catch up with Joey, picking him up and carrying him over to where Steve has knelt down and started packing snow together for the base of the snowman.

“Can you say ‘snow,’ buddy?” Bucky asks, crouching down next to Steve and balancing the baby on his knee.

“No!” Joey says happily, reaching out toward the ball of snow, and Bucky laughs, meeting Steve’s eye over Joey’s head. 

“I mean, ‘no’ is close to ‘snow’ I guess?"

"Pretty close yeah," Steve laughs. "You gonna help me build this snowman, Joey?" he asks, but Joey is already happily patting at the ball of snow Steve's made, so he takes it as a yes. "We don't have anything to make his face," Steve comments.

“We can find rocks,” Bucky suggests. “God knows he’s good enough at finding shit like - er. Stuff like that when he just wants to put it in his mouth.” He looks up at Steve guiltily, but Steve is grinning.

“He’s heard worse,” Steve reassures. “Maybe you two can find the stuff for the face while I make the balls?"

"I really want to make a lewd joke right now, but I'll refrain because of Joey," Bucky chuckles. "Come on buddy, let's go look for some rocks and pine cones while your dad plays with his balls," he says, picking Joey up and walking toward the line of trees at the other side of the park.

He can hear Steve’s laughter behind him, and happiness bubbles in Bucky’s chest. “I really love your daddy, Joey,” Bucky says to the baby balanced on his hip, and Joey grins, patting his face with a wet mitten. “Yep, love you too,” Bucky agrees, bouncing Joey on his hip while he scans the ground for little objects.

Steve has the torso and the head done by the time Bucky and Joey get back and he's working on adding the arms. "You got what we need to make this fella look pretty?" he asks and gets a pile of pinecones for his trouble. He looks up, and Joey happily chucks one of the two he’s still holding at Steve.

It bounces off of Steve’s chest, and Bucky giggles. “Nice shot pal. High five,” he teases, holding his free hand up to the baby. Joey just gurgles happily at him, and Bucky sighs. “Okay, we’ll work on that.”

“You’re terrible,” Steve accuses fondly, and gathers up the pine cones. “Terrible influence.”

"I am a great influence. Shut your mouth," Bucky says, kneeling down next to the other man again. The snowman isn't really tall, probably so it doesn't tower over Joey, and it looks surprisingly well proportioned. "You build a lot of these in your spare time?"

“I’ll have you know I have a degree in fine art, which I had to take several sculpture classes to acquire. And while not many of them used snow as a medium, the theory is the same,” Steve says loftily, beginning to place the pine cones on the snowman. Joey doesn’t seem particularly interested, but Bucky gets him onto his feet and standing, hand braced on the baby’s back to help him balance.

“I never see you draw,” Bucky says gently, because he genuinely forgets Steve majored in art sometimes.

Steve pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. "I-I haven't really since the funeral," he says quietly as he continues making the snowman's face. "I drew her a lot. She was the subject of a lot of my homework and it seemed natural to keep drawing her even after I didn't have to anymore. Haven't really felt the urge lately."

“You know, he’s gonna be getting to the coloring age soon,” Bucky says carefully. “It might be something you can do with him? Drawing while he colors.”

“Maybe,” Steve agrees, but he sounds evasive, and Bucky knows well enough when to let something go.

Steve makes the snowman eyes, a nose, and a grinning face and then leans back to look at his work proudly. "Looks good, if I do say so myself. What do you think Joey?"

“Dada!!” Joey exclaims, making grabby hands at Steve, and Bucky laughs. “C’mon, Steve, lemme take a picture of you two for for your Ma. She’ll be thrilled.” Steve scoops up the baby and they pose in front of the snowman while Bucky snaps some pictures with his phone.

They let Joey play around in the snow for a while longer, but after an hour, he visibly starts drooping and he's more content to curl up in Steve's lap than he is crawling around. "You all tuckered out, little man?" Steve asks as he cups Joey's cheek and the boy's only response is to cuddle into Steve's stomach. "Yeah, I think it's time we got you home for some food and a nap."

The walk back is quick, but Joey’s whiny and fussy by the time the time they get home. His snow suit is soaked through and chilly by the time they get it off. “I think maybe you should give him a bath,” Bucky suggests, “He got kinda wet and cold. I can make us some lunch if you want to do that?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Steve nods and carries Joey to the bathroom. Bath time is usually a big affair, but today it goes by fairly quickly as the little one is too tired to put up much of a fuss or play too long, so Steve has him clean and wrapped up in a towel in no time.

Joey’s tucked against Steve’s chest when he walks back into the kitchen, blinking sleepily, and sucking on his thumb. “I think we managed to tire him out pretty well,” Steve mutters to Bucky, walking over to the cupboard and grabbing a can of baby food. “I’m not sure he’s gonna want this though. Do you think we should give him formula, and then food later?”

“Probably,” Bucky agrees, putting the finishing touches on the sandwiches he’s thrown together, and walking over to join Steve at the table. “Maybe some mac ’n cheese later.”

Steve sits down, adjusting Joey until he's curled up in the crook of Steve’s arms. He smiles at Bucky as he passes off the bottle, getting Joey to take the tip. “I’m gonna miss this when he grows out of it,” Steve admits. 

“He’ll always be your little boy,” Bucky teases, and Steve ducks his head, laughing self-consciously.

“Kind of, yeah.”

Bucky watches them for a moment, then leans down to kiss the baby’s forehead before settling sitting down at the table and digging into his sandwich.  
___

February brings with it Becca’s birthday, and the Barnes Family Trip Upstate. Bucky hasn’t been in the country for one of these trips in years, so he’s not entirely surprised when his mom starts putting up a stink about him going. But he hasn’t even been gone six hours when Steve sends him a picture of Joey standing in his playpen, reaching for the camera, and a caption that says _"He misses you Buck.”_

And despite the potential wrath of his family, Bucky feels the urge to get into a car and drive back to Brooklyn immediately. He can’t though, so he sends back a picture of himself looking all sad and forlorn and his caption says _‘I miss him too. and you too, I guess.’_

Steve sends back a picture of himself with Joey curled against his chest, peeking at the camera with one eye, thumb in his mouth, and it melts Bucky so much his mom asks him what's wrong.

"Nothing, nothing, everything is perfect," Bucky says, a small smile settling on his lips. And it is, it’s so so perfect, this thing they have, their little family, but he’s not entirely ready to share that with his chaotic family yet, so he pockets the phone and goes back to helping with dinner. Later he sends Steve a picture of the empty bed he’s currently sleeping in with the caption _‘I wish my snuggle buddies were here.’_

He gets back a picture of Joey asleep in his crib, no caption, just the fuzzy dark image. He bites his lip, sending back, "You're watching him sleep again, aren't you?"

 _"… I might be. I know I should stop, but the habit it s a bit hard to break. Especially with you not here to tell me I’m worrying over nothing,"_ is the reply he gets back.

 _"Stop worrying about him, he's fine :) <3"_ Bucky texts back. He curls up in bed alone, and tries to remind himself that it's not like he spends every night at Steve's. He sleeps alone about half the time. But just knowing that he can't go over and crawl in bed next to Steve even if he _wants_ to makes him feel lonely as hell.

Steve must be feeling just as lonely, because he sends Bucky another text about forty-five minutes later. _‘You’re coming back soon, right?’_

 _"I'm coming back after Becca's birthday on Tuesday,"_ Bucky responds. It's tough, it's Sunday now, he's been gone since Thursday, and he already misses them an insane amount. It's been nice to see his sisters, and Becca's sixteenth birthday is a big deal, but he hadn't realized how long it's been since he's gone without seeing Steve and Joey every day. And with the custody battle looming over them, it's just hard to be away.

 _"I may or may not have just emailed my boss that I’m taking Wednesday off,"_ Steve texts back, and Bucky’s heart swells a little at the thought. He can skip out on group on Wednesday, he figures, spend the whole day at home with his boys.

They fall asleep texting that night, making increasingly more elaborate plans for Steve's day off which they both know will likely be abandoned in favor of staying in and spending time together. Nevertheless, Bucky wakes up the next morning to a picture Steve must have taken when _he_ just woke up, shirtless and groggy looking and obviously still in bed, crazy sleep hair and a pout, and Bucky just misses him so goddamn much.

 _“That was mean,”_ he texts and immediately follows it up with a picture of his own pathetic face half smushed into the pillow. He gets up after that and goes through his morning routine, ready for another day of family togetherness time. He can't help but think of what it would be like if he had brought Steve and Joey with him.

He gets another picture during breakfast (Joey fussing and covered in pink goop with the caption _"Yogurt continues to fail the spit test"_ ), and Bucky's actually grinning hard enough his oldest sister Caitlin swipes his phone away to see what he's looking at. "Is this your boyyyyyfriend's baby?" she teases, and his mother's eyes snap over like a hawk.

"Give that back!" Bucky snaps, reaching for the phone, but Caitlin is faster and hands the phone to Becca, who takes a quick look and then hands the phone forward, and it keeps going like that until his phone is in his mother’s hand and Bucky is well and truly doomed.

"Oh my goodness, Bucky, he's such a sweetheart!" she coos, and then starts rattling off question after question about Joey's eating and his routine and does he talk yet, is he standing, has Steve starting looking for daycares or preschools, and Bucky can feel the pressure piling on and on the longer she talks.

"Mom, can we not do this right now? I’m sure no one cares about all that," Bucky tries to deflect. He doesn’t want to talk about this, not with his mom or anyone else. Steve and Joey might be his newfound family, but he’s… he’s not ready for his flesh and blood family to invade that, not yet.

The phone in his mother's hand vibrates just as she's about to say something, and she glances down. "Awwwww, Bucky, they're so sweet. And he's so _handsome_. Why haven't we met him yet? You've been seeing this man for months, sweetheart. We just want to meet the people in your life." 

Bucky sighs, feeling guilty, and reaches for the phone again. This picture is of Steve with Joey on his chest again, toy bear clutched in Joey's tiny fist. "I know you do, but it’s not a good time for them right now," he says and it’s not like it’s a lie. "I promise that you’ll get to meet them eventually, but mom, please don’t push," he asks and the face he makes must work, because she seems to relent.

Sending a quick message back to Steve with a _< 3_ and a note that he's not gonna answer his phone for a bit, Bucky stuffs it into his pocket and takes a seat at the table. Caitlin catches his eye and grimaces, mouthing 'sorry,' and he shrugs. He and Catie were only two years apart, and there had been a lot of friction between them growing up, but she'd come without her husband and her own baby when she headed back for Becca's birthday, and he imagines she’s missing her own family just as much.

The remaining days pass by in a flurry of texts and luckily no one calls Bucky out on grinning like a fool at his phone again. They’re also more enjoyable as Becca’s birthday means everyone is focusing on her and it’s less stressful than other family gatherings have been so far and it’s nice. Still, Bucky couldn’t be happier when he gets into his rental car and drives back home, rushing home faster than is strictly safe and legal, but he can’t help himself, he needs to get to his boys.

It's Tuesday night, late enough Joey's probably asleep and Steve _should_ be, but Bucky knows him well enough to know he won't be. Still, he's hesitant to knock on the door when Joey's still really prone to waking up and crying for hours during the night. Instead he sends a text saying he just got home and if Steve's still up can he come over, and goes to drop his duffel in his own apartment.

 _”I sent you about a thousand texts while you were away and I knew you were coming back today. Did you really think I'd be sleeping already? Door's unlocked.”_ is the text he gets back and he laughs as he throws his stuff on the couch and walks back out and into Steve's apartment.

Steve's waiting inside the door when Bucky opens it, huge grin on his face and arms open. Bucky chuckles, stepping forward to slide his arms around Steve's waist and allow himself to be folded into a tight hug. "God I missed you," he whispers into Steve's collarbones, shivering as Steve's hand slides into his hair to tilt his head back for a kiss. It starts slow, but heat curls quickly behind Bucky's navel, and he’s got his hands clenched in the back of Steve's shirt as Steve presses him to the door.

"Get the feelin’ you missed me too," he murmurs when Steve pulls back from the kiss to trail kisses down his neck. 

"What? The myriad of texts didn’t tip you off?" Steve asks, biting down on that one spot on Bucky’s neck. "Was honestly considering sexting for a moment, but I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea with your family around all the time."

"No, they kept stealing my phone, that would have been awful," Bucky pants, and heat curls in his balls as Steve licks over the tender skin at the base of his throat. But still, he slides his hands up Steve's chest, pushing him back gently. "Will I be really creepy and weird if I ask if I can go peek in on Joey before this goes any further? I'll let you fuck me against the door after, I promise." And he's cringing at himself a little, but Steve's face just goes soft.

He smiles and takes a step back, nudging Bucky toward Joey’s room. “He was pretty fussy when I put him down tonight, was almost expecting him to stay up until you got here.”

"Is everything okay with him?" Bucky asks, and Steve nods, smiling fondly at Bucky. "I think he just misses you. The first couple nights were okay, but I think he's too young to really understand when you were coming back, you know?" The baby's room is lit only by a softly glowing night light and Bucky can just make out the small shape that is Joey in his crib, one thumb in his mouth and the other clutched to his bear. He looks so tiny, and for a moment Bucky aches to hold him.

"It’s okay if you wanna go sit by the crib for a bit," Steve says softly.

"No," Bucky says, reaching out till he finds Steve's hand and tugs him close. Steve steps up, wrapping his arms around Bucky's waist from behind, and kisses behind Bucky's ear softly. "No, I just..." It's hard to articulate, the space in his chest that feels reserved just for that tiny little life, the need Bucky has to make sure he's happy and safe and whole. 

"Yeah, I know." Steve says quietly, and Bucky turns in his arms to kiss him softly. 

"I know you do. Take me to bed?"

"Gladly," Steve smiles and leads Bucky into his bedroom. He closes the door behind them and makes sure the baby monitor is on and then turns toward the other man, pulling him into his arms. "You all mine now?" he asks, running his hands through Bucky’s hair.

"All yours," Bucky purrs, going in for a kiss, Steve's fingers in his hair sending shivers down his spine. He trails his own hand down Steve's chest, exploring the flat, hard plans of muscle under his hand, and damn. "God I missed you," he breathes into Steve's mouth, fisting the material of Steve's shirt with his prosthetic hand and bunching it up, allowing his flesh hand to trail across Steve's stomach.

"Missed you too. We’re not together every day, but knowing that you weren’t right next door was horrible," Steve murmurs, sliding his lips over Bucky’s cheek and then trails hot kisses down his neck. "Gonna make it so good for you tonight," he says, his hand tugging at Bucky’s hair gently while the other moves down his back and up his shirt to feel skin.

"And here I was thinking you tried to make it good for me every time," Bucky teases, and laughs when Steve scowls at him.

"If you're gonna be a jerk about it, you can be responsible for your own orgasms," Steve snarks right back, and Bucky laughs. God, it wasn't just sex he'd missed, Steve is his _best friend_. "C'mere, jerk," he says affectionately, tugging Steve toward the bed by his belt loops.

"So you do need my help after all," Steve smirks, but follows happily. Bucky sits him down on the bed and Steve automatically spreads his legs and pulls Bucky to stand between them. He undoes his pants and tugs them down a little, looking up at Bucky with a teasing smile before he kisses along the line of muscle below his belly button.

"Shit, Rogers," Bucky swears softly, bringing his flesh hand up to twine his fingers through Steve's hair, stroking through the soft golden stands. "You're gonna be the death of me." 

Steve just hums, nosing down from Bucky's navel to the seam of his pants. Steve's still smirking a little when he tugs Bucky's pants down and bends forward to take him in his mouth.

Bucky knows how limited Steve’s experience in this area is, but he’s never been too shy to ask for pointers in bed, and shit. Bucky grips his shoulders and whimpers. Christ, has he been a diligent student. Steve pulls back and looks up, making a show of tonguing at the slit and licking around the head, and it sends a wave of pleasure washing through Bucky’s body.

"Feels good," Bucky pants, and shivers a little. Scraping his fingers through Steve's hair, he enjoys the warmth and slickness and sweetness of Steve's mouth, then nudges him backward so he can bend down and steal a kiss.

Steve lets himself fall back and wraps his arms around Bucky when he crawls on top of him and pulls him in for another kiss. He rucks Bucky’s shirt up, so he can drag his nails down Bucky’s back gently, and when Bucky makes an encouraging sound and wriggles a little, he slides them back further into his pants to cup his ass firmly.

Humming happily, Bucky pushes back into Steve's hands, shivering when he massages the muscles. Steve's fingers trail down between Bucky's cheeks, and Bucky breathes out. "That what you want?" he asks curiously, and Steve shrugs, sliding his hands up to rest on the curve of Bucky's lower back. "I don't care, really. Just want you."

"Well, you’ve got the day off tomorrow, so I see a round two in our future sooner or later," Bucky says cheekily. "We’ll get to both options, but right now, yeah, I think I wanna feel you inside me," he says and grins when Steve’s grip on him tightens.

"We need to be more naked for that," Steve says hoarsely and Bucky laughs as he scrambles off him to take off his clothes. How did he get lucky enough to land this amazing person?

The limited time they usually have for sex with a baby around has taught them it's faster to undress themselves than to try the acrobatics required to undress each other. Steve flops down on the bed, grinning up at Bucky, and Bucky straddles him. "Thought I was taking care of you today?" Steve says as he runs his hands up Bucky’s thighs and rests them on his hips. 

"You still can," Bucky answers and rolls his hips, making Steve shudder, "but I kinda like it here. It’s got a better view," he says, trailing his fingers over Steve’s pecs.

Steve reaches up and back under the pillow, producing a bottle of lube, handing it forward to Bucky, who laughs and takes it. "I guess you were waiting up for me," he says with a wink, uncapping it and leaning forward to slick up Steve's fingers. Steve's just grinning at him like an idiot, and shrugs with one shoulder. 

"I'm an optimistic guy."

"And I’m pretty much a sure thing by now, so you don’t have to worry about that," Bucky says and his breath stutters in his chest when Steve reaches behind him and slips a slicked up finger inside.

"Maybe not, but you being a sure thing won’t stop me from working for it," Steve says and runs the fingers of his free hand over Bucky’s cock teasingly light as he works on spreading him open.

Bucky's shaking a little by the time he's stretched enough, worked hot and tender by the diligence of Steve's fingers, wringing pleasure from him by the sensitive skin around his rim and the swell of his prostate. He's got his flesh hand planted in the center of Steve's chest, taking some of his weight so he can ride back, and Steve's looking up and him with a mix of affection and something that looks almost like awe.

"You ready for me Buck?" Steve asks softly and, when Bucky nods, he crooks his fingers against Bucky’s prostate one more time before pulling them out. Bucky whimpers at the loss, but Steve soothes him gently and moves him a little so he can slick up his cock and then holds it still for Bucky and helps him ease himself down on to it slowly.

Bucky lets out a long breath once he’s got all of Steve’s length in him and smiles down at the other man as he starts moving slowly. They’re not in a hurry and he loves the slow drag of Steve’s cock inside of him. Steve creeps his hands up his hips and stomach slowly and Bucky’s muscles clench under the tender touch and this is exactly what he’s missed, this intimacy that makes being with Steve so much more than sex. He leans back enough to brace his metal hand against the bed, catching Steve's hand against his stomach with the other. 

Steve's moving with the rise and fall of Bucky's hips, and when Bucky rubs his thumb tenderly across the back of Steve's knuckles, his eyes fall shut, swearing softly. "Jesus, Buck. Feel so good, better than anything. Can't even think. Fuck, love you, sweetheart."

"Love you too… Been wanting this all week, been imagining it, ‘s never as good as the real thing though," Bucky says and whimpers when he finds an angle where Steve’s cock grinds against his prostate relentlessly. "Yeah, like that, like that, fuck."

Steve starts moving the hand on Bucky's stomach southward, until it's wrapping around Bucky's cock, giving him a tight warm channel to thrust into, and Bucky groans, feeling a tremor race through his body and down through his balls as pleasure pulls tight. He works himself back and forth between Steve's hand and his cock, shuddering and panting out a soft "fuck" when Steve shifts his knees up and gets some leverage to start thrusting up.

It doesn’t last long after that, it’s just too much sensation and he’s not even trying to fight it, lets it sing through his entire body, and it’s like he seizes up for a moment as his hips twitch and he’s coming over Steve’s fingers, his mouth open in a silent scream.

"Jesus, Buck, the way you look," Steve pants, doing the best he can to restrain his hips so Bucky can come down from the oversensitivity. 

Bucky smiles at him, and starts rocking a little, loving how it sends visible tremors through Steve’s body. . "How do I look?" he asks, a little teasing and a little curious, shifting forward so his arms are braced on either side of Steve's head, giving Steve more room to thrust up. 

"Like a dream," Steve whispers back.

"The dream’s not over yet doll," Bucky says and leans down for a kiss and Steve’s arms automatically come up to envelop him. "Come on, no need to hold back," he murmurs against Steve’s lips, squeezing down on the other man’s cock, and Steve whimpers, his hips starting to move in slow, deep, thrusts.

Steve breaks the kiss when he comes, with a soft strangled sound like a whimper, shuddering against Bucky's body, inside him. "There you go," Bucky soothes, forehead resting on Steve's and their noses brushing, hand playing with Steve's hair. "That's it, sweetheart."

It takes a moment for Steve to catch his breath, but he smiles, tilting his face up a little so he can plant a few soft kisses on Bucky’s mouth. He shifts so he slips out of Bucky’s body and then tugs him down so he's lying on top of Steve. “I love you so much,” he says quietly as he holds him close.

They doze a little, lightly, until Bucky wakes up and drags Steve into the bathroom to wash off. He detours into the baby's room while Steve goes to strip the bed and can’t help but press a soft kiss on Joey's head when he sees him asleep in his crib.

He stays to watch the baby sleep long enough for Steve to come look for him. “You might wanna come back to bed,” he whispers as he leans against the doorjamb. “It was nice of him to not wake up in a fuss and let us have time to reconnect, but as soon as he sees you tomorrow, you’re gonna have him glued to you all day.”

Bucky grins, moving to follow Steve out of the room. "I don't know how that's supposed be a bad thing." He slips his arm around Steve's waist, kissing his neck happily, and Steve actually _giggles_ a little. "Come on, baby master, sleep while you can," he says and walks them back to the bedroom and into the freshly made bed. And it’s so nice, to curl up in bed with Steve at his side, Steve's arm draped around his stomach, warm along his back. It’s so nice to be home.

\--

Steve always has an alarm set, so he won’t accidentally oversleep and ruin Joey’s schedule, but Joey doesn’t seem to want to sleep that long the next morning and wakes them up half an hour early. Steve groans and hides his face in Bucky’s shoulder for a moment before he starts to untangle himself to get up, but Bucky stops him. 

“Take a few more minutes, I’ll go see what the munchkin wants,” he says and laughs when Steve plops gratefully back onto his pillow.

Joey's standing up, clutching the wooden slats of the crib for support, when Bucky peeks his head into the room. His face is screwed up in unhappiness, but his eyes go almost comically wide when he sees Bucky. "Bu'eeee!" he squeals loudly, reaching his hands out desperately, and Bucky laughs, comes in to scoop the little boy up. 

"Hey there sweetheart. Yeah, I know, I missed you too."

Joey snuggles into him and digs his tiny little fingers into Bucky’s shirt, holding on tightly. “I was gone for a while, I know, but I’m back and I’m yours for the day and we’re gonna start by changing you and then I’m gonna give you your bottle and then maybe some applesauce, okay?” he asks, and Joey just smiles up at him and pats his face, so Bucky figures he’s happy with that plan.

They’re sitting in the kitchen when Steve finally makes it out of bed. He pauses in the doorway to watch, and Bucky smiles at him from where he’s seated in a chair with Joey cradled in the crook of his flesh arm, holding a bottle with his prosthetic. Joey’s looking up at him with big, adoring eyes, like he's absolutely fascinated by whatever it is Bucky’s saying to him. Steve pulls out his cellphone, taking a picture of the two of them together, and then joins them in kitchen.

He runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair as he walks past and makes a beeline for the fridge. “Eggs and bacon sound okay?” he asks as he starts pulling out ingredients, and Bucky nods enthusiastically. “Eggs and bacon sound delicious, right Joey?” he coos at the baby.

Joey just reaches up in response, curling a tiny fist tightly into Bucky's shirt, and Bucky practically melts. "I don't want you to think I'm using you for your kid, because I missed you something fierce as well, but god it was hard being away from him," Bucky says, and Steve pauses as he passes them to stroke a finger down his son's cheek and kiss Bucky's hair. 

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I understand. He's a very special little guy."

"He really is," Bucky smiles and takes the empty bottle from Joey. He then settles the baby against his shoulder to help him burp, but Joey doesn’t want to cooperate when Bucky tries to sit him back on his lap, scrambling instead to stand on Bucky’s legs and tuck his face into Bucky’s chest. 

"Bu’ee," he says and grabs onto his shirt with both hands.

"I'm right here, buddy," Bucky murmurs, running a hand across Joey's back. He glances up at Steve, who's cracking eggs in a bowl and watching them fondly. "I'm home, I promise." He gently pulls the little boy away from his chest so he can rain kisses down over his cheeks, making Joey giggle. 

"Bu'ee 'ome!" Joey says delightedly, releasing Bucky's shirt with one hand to pat his face. 

Bucky's eyebrows shoot up, and he grins up at Steve.

"Yes, Bucky’s home buddy, and you’ve learned a new word," Steve says excitedly. He wipes his hands and walks over to pick Joey up and cuddle him, but when he gets his hands on him, Joey starts squirming and kicking his little legs. 

"No! Bu’ee!" he cries and grabs for the other man and Steve is so startled, he immediately puts him back on Bucky’s lap.

Bucky blinks, taken off guard, as the baby clings to him. "Hey buddy, come on, your dad just wants to hug you." He tries to maneuver Joey off his lap again, but this time Joey clings harder, starting to whimper when Bucky moves him. "Jesus, Steve, I'm so sorry," he mutters, heart sinking in his chest. Joey's really starting to cry now, and Bucky stops trying to move him away, cuddling him close instead. 

Joey buries his face in Bucky's shirt and whimpers a soft "Bu'ee" mixed in with the tears.

"No, that’s okay," Steve says, looking at them both with huge eyes. "He’s missed you a lot, it’s - it’s okay," he says and goes back to making breakfast.

"Steve," Bucky says again, reading the hurt and tension in the span of Steve's shoulders. He stands up, cradling Joey against his chest with one arm, and walks over to the other man. Joey peeks at his father with big wet eyes, and Bucky steps in close so Steve can hesitantly run a hand across his son's hair. Joey doesn't make a sound, though he does nuzzle Bucky's chest a little bit. "See, daddy's not trying to take you away. I'm not going anywhere, buddy." Bucky murmurs, leaning into Steve's body.

Steve wraps one of his arms around Bucky, resting the other on Joey’s back, and takes a deep breath. “You love Bucky a lot, huh?” he says softly, “That’s okay, I do too, so I guess I get the screaming, I wouldn’t have wanted to be taken out of that nice hug either,” he tries to joke.

"I think he's scared I'm gonna leave again," Bucky mutters, leaning into Steve so they're all kind of cuddled together standing in the kitchen. "I'm sure he'd react the same way if you were gone for almost a week. The last time he had a parent go away for a long time she never came back, Steve. He's too young to understand the difference," Bucky points out gently, and can feel Steve's sharp intake of breath at that.

"God, I didn’t even think of that," Steve breathes. "I just chalked his fussiness and crying up to him missing you. You know, the normal kind I was feeling too. I feel really bad now, he must’ve been worried over it and I didn’t even notice."

"You couldn't have known Steve. I doubt It was really obvious," Bucky tries to soothe, but he can tell Steve's already awash with guilt.

"I'm his dad, I should've noticed," Steve sighs sadly.

“It was just a couple days,” Bucky says , kissing Steve’s cheek softly. Joey’s snuggling down against both of them, clearly happy to be within arms reach of both of his parents. “Steve, it’s fine, he’s fine. See?”

"I guess," Steve says and runs a finger down Joey's nose. "I'll pay more attention next time, promise," he says to the baby.

Bucky wants to say there won't be a next time, but he can't promise he won't have to go away for a few days again. His family loves it's togetherness time and he's not ready to drag Steve and Joey into it yet.

“Sorry, baby,” Steve whispers, kissing the fluff on the top of Joey’s head. Joey smiles at him, patting Steve’s face, and Bucky laughs.

“He forgives you,” Bucky mutters, bouncing Joey a little, and then giving Steve a soft kiss. “God, I’m happy to be home.”

“I’m glad you're home too,” Steve murmurs, resting his forehead against Bucky’s.

___

Steve works long hours in the weeks leading up to the trial, and that leaves Bucky to do bedtime more often than not. Steve hasn't been home in time to tuck Joey in all week, and Bucky knows how that tears into Steve even if he won't admit it. He’s hoping that once Friday night rolls around Steve will be able to get out early, so he delays putting the baby down for the night as long as possible. 

Eventually though, Bucky pretty much resigns himself to the fact that delaying bedtime means Joey's going to fall asleep _on him_ instead of in his crib, but he's kind of okay with that. Part of him loves these soft sweet moments with Joey cuddled in close to his chest. But he's not asleep yet, squirming around every couple minutes, mumbling occasionally. He looks up at Bucky with big solemn eyes and says, "Dada home?" and holy shit, Steve is going to actually cry when Bucky tells him about that.

"He's going to be home very soon buddy, we gotta give him a few more minutes," he says to Joey, and hopes he's not lying. Joey misses Steve too and that's sometimes still hard for Steve to believe, and Bucky's hoping for the both of them that Steve makes it today, because they both need it.

It tears Bucky up that Steve is scrambling to find money for lawyers fees, because Hill may be a good lawyer but she's not a cheap one. No matter how much Steve insists this whole custody battle isn't Bucky's fault, he can't help but feel guilty still. And now Steve's stuck working as much overtime as he can get, missing time with his son just so that he can hopefully avoid losing him for good.

The front door springs open suddenly and Steve rushes in looking all harried and rumpled. "I'm here, I'm here. I got out a little early, but there was traffic and - Is he still awake?" he says and then beams when he notices Joey blinking up at him from across the room in Bucky's lap. He drops everything he’s carrying and walks closer, dropping to his knees in front of the couch. "Hey you," he says softly and reaches out for the baby.

"Dada!" Joey squeals happily, and Bucky passes him off with a fond stroke to the baby's head. Steve scoops him up, cuddling him close and cooing at him, and Bucky smiles as the baby burrows into his father's shoulder, clinging to the fabric of his shirt.

"He had dinner a couple hours ago, but he'd probably take a bottle if you wanted to give it to him," Bucky murmurs, smiling at the two of them.

"What do you say Joey, you hungry?" Steve asks, but the baby seems content with being cuddled close, so Steve shakes his head. "Think we're just going to cuddle and then this little man needs to go sleep, so he won't be cranky in the morning."

"Dada home," Joey says again, sounding content, and Steve freezes.

"Did he just - You heard that too, right?" he asks Bucky.

"Yeah, he was asking a little earlier for you, like that. He missed you," Bucky says softly, and Steve looks down at the baby in his arms like his heart is breaking.

"I'm sorry I've been gone, sweetie, I'm so sorry," he murmurs, and Bucky aches for him. He does the best he can taking care of Joey while Steve's gone, but the hours he gets to spend with the baby should be Steve's, no matter how much Bucky treasures them.

"He'll understand," Bucky tells him, hoping it'll be of some comfort to Steve. "When he's older and can understand why you needed to work so much, he won't resent you."

"I'll make more time," Steve says and he's speaking more to Joey than to Bucky. "Once I make sure they can't take you away, I'll take more time off or I'll try to find a job that pays better. I promise it won't always be like this."

Bucky bites his lip, the idea he's been tossing around coming up in his mind again. "I could get a job," he suggests hesitantly. When Steve looks up, he shrugs weakly. "Probably can't handle more than part time, and I really don't have the qualifications to do much other than shoot people, but I can try. That way you can have some time with him and not lose the money."

"Bucky, we can't take your money-" Steve starts to protest, but Bucky cuts him off.

"Either I'm family or I ain't, Rogers. You don't get to pick and choose," he snaps, pushing himself to his feet and walking into the kitchen.

Steve hesitates for a moment and then adjusts his hold on Joey and gets up and follows Bucky. "You know I didn't mean it like that" he says softly. "You're our family, of course you are, but... I don't know, I guess I still feel like I need to provide for Joey and you have so much of your own stuff to deal with and it feels a little unfair of me to make you get a job just because I can't do it by myself."

"Just because you can get by on your own, doesn't mean you have to," Bucky says with a sigh, already feeling bad for snapping. He pushes himself up to sit on the counter, opening his legs in invitation so Steve will come closer. "You're stringing yourself out working like this. He _misses you_. It's hell on both of you. And it's not doing us any favors either, pal, I haven't seen you for more than an hour in a week, _I_ miss you too. I just feel bad, sitting on my ass when you're trying so hard."

Steve leans into Bucky and lets himself be wrapped up in a hug. "I know and if you want to go for it, I won't stop you, but if it seems like too much, you can always quit, okay? Things are hard right now, but I won't take your money if working is too much and messing with your health, mental or otherwise."

"I have to get hired first," Bucky says ruefully. "My counselor at the VA might be able to point me in the right direction, but not a lot of places are scrambling to hire a vet with PTSD and a prosthetic arm."

Steve makes an unhappy sound, and Bucky sighs, pulling back. Joey's looking at him, all serious like he can tell something's going on, and Bucky smiles at him. "You should put him to bed. It's already late," he says softly.

“My top priority is your happiness,” Steve repeats to Bucky, seriously, and Bucky smiles at him. “You and Joey, you’re the most important thing to me.”

 

“I know,” Bucky promises, and gives him a soft kiss before nudging him off toward the nursery.

___

Winifred Barnes has never been a woman who gives up easily, and when simply asking repeatedly to meet Steve and Joey continues to go nowhere, she starts with a new tactic. Rather than saying anything directly about meeting Steve, she just starts forwarding Bucky every single picture his sister Caitlin sends of her daughter, just in case Bucky somehow forgot his mom loves being a grandma or something. Teetee’s back in college, and Becca’s swept up in her high school drama production, which leaves…. Bucky. Bucky and his new family, that he’s still feeling incredibly protective of, especially with the custody hearing looming in their future

"Bucky, it's been months now," she tells him over the phone. When she called, the conversation had innocently started with her asking if Bucky was going to come to the opening night of Becca's play and when he said yes, she immediately asked if he'd bring Steve and the baby as well.

"We haven't been together for that long Ma," Bucky sighs.

"It's been long enough that we've gone through several family occasions without them present. Everyone's been asking about Steve and Joey and I know, I know," she hastens before he's even got a chance to open his mouth, "you don't want to overwhelm them, it's still new and so on and so on. I understand that, but Bucky, I am your mother. Don't you want me to meet your new family?"

The honest answer to that would break her heart, and he can’t, he just doesn’t have it in him to do that to his mom. “Let me talk to Steve about it,” Bucky stalls, and winces at the high pitched noise of delight his mom lets out.

“Oh Bucky, you’re not going to regret this, I promise. I can’t wait to meet them, and oh, I can help you guys out so much, any questions you’ve been having, I can absolutely answer. And if you need a babysitter, I’m always free. Well, not always, but I’m sure I could take him to work with me if you need, and I could maybe get time off -“

“Mom,” Bucky moans, and Christ, he can feel the headache building already. “ _I’m_ their babysitter, for the most part. And it’s not like we’ve been going at this without advice, Steve’s got his own mom.”

“Well, if you need me. I'm sure you and Steve want to spend time alone now that you're not just the babysitter, so really, anytime," his mother says, not really deterred at all.

"Okay mom, we'll talk about it," he relents, because she's not going to give up until he does. "I gotta go now, but I'll call you after I discuss things with Steve."

"Okay, I'll be waiting for your call. Love you hon. Say hello to Steve and Joey for me," she says and Bucky lets out a heavy sigh when she hangs up. This is going to be a disaster.

“I don’t like that she’s pushing you into this,” Steve says when Bucky mentions it the next morning. He’s standing barefoot in the kitchen in boxers and a Y-back, hair all mussed up, and frying bacon at the stove, and Bucky can’t stop staring at him.

“I told you she wouldn’t give up,” he says dully, and starts to say something else when he’s cut off by a soft “Bu’eee” and a pat to his face. He glances down at the baby in his lap, who’s reaching up for him intently. “Yes Joey?”

He gets a string of nonsense in return, along with something that might have been “apples” Bucky suspects, filling in the blanks from Joey reaching toward the applesauce on the table.

"Aww, I'm sorry for making you wait, I was totally going to feed that to you, promise," Bucky says and Joey claps when Bucky reaches over to pick up the applesauce and a spoon.

"She's being super pushy, but she means well," he says when he scoops some sauce onto the spoon. "It's why it's so hard to say no to her."

"I get that she's your mom and you love her, but you shouldn't let her bully you into this if you don't feel comfortable with it," Steve says.

Bucky feeds Joey spoonfuls of applesauce, watching the way Joey keeps looking up at him with those big, trusting eyes. Like Bucky hung the moon, and did it special, just for him. “I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel better about this, and we could probably use the support right now,” he admits, and then hunches down a little to kiss the top of Joey’s head, the soft fluff of blond hair on top of it.

“We can try it to see how it goes,” Steve suggests, shutting off the stove and walking over to them. He slips his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, resting his chin on top of Bucky’s head, and smiles down at the baby, who grins up at him. “We’ll go somewhere neutral, a coffee shop or something, so it’s not an invasion into your safe space.”

"That's a really good idea," Bucky agrees. "And it also means we can make an excuse and scram early if things get uncomfortable. She'll probably never leave if I let her into my apartment."

"Coffee shop it is, then," Steve says, making a face at Joey and making him giggle. "Weekends are probably best since I don't have work then, but I'll let you set up everything else."

The following weekend finds Bucky and Steve scrambling out the door to meet Bucky’s family. They’re already running late, have gotten a bit waylaid by Joey’s sudden and intense hatred of his jacket and the screaming fit that results from trying to get him into it. He’s mostly stopped crying by the time they get out the door, but he’s still sniffling in Steve’s arms, red faced and miserable looking.

Bucky feels drained already, nerves frayed and twitchy, and they haven’t even gotten to the coffee shop yet. It’s just his mom and Becca this time, which his mom explains is because his father is “a stick in the mud” and Bucky interprets as “better at respecting boundaries.”

"You gonna be okay to do this today?" Steve asks when he buckles Joey in his car seat. Bucky chose a coffee shop closer to his parent’s house than their apartment building, wanting to avoid any chance of his mother inviting herself back with them.

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine," Bucky says, but takes a moment to just lean against Steve's car and breathe. 

"It'll be okay, she wants to see me and Joey the most, so the attention won't be on you," Steve says and steps closer to wrap him up in his arms.

“Yeah,” Bucky agrees, and doesn’t know how to explain why that doesn’t make him feel better. He feels protective, and that’s kind of ridiculous, because it’s not like he’s worried about his family hurting either Steve or Joey. But this could disrupt the balance of their lives even more than it already is, and he doesn’t really know how to handle that.

“I love you,” Steve murmurs, pulling back to kiss Bucky softly, and Bucky lets himself melt into it for a moment, eyes sliding closed.

“Let’s hope you still do by the end of the day.”

Steve drives them to the coffee shop and the place thankfully has a parking place. Bucky groans when he gets out of the car, because he can already see Becca and his ma through the glass front of the shop.

"Figures they'd be here early," he huffs. He was hoping for a few minutes to get settled before they got mauled.

"Guess they're excited," Steve says as he leans in the back to get the baby. He's been holding up pretty well, but Bucky can tell he's a little nervous now. "You wanna hold him or should I?"

Bucky considers that for a minute, the safety blanket snuggling Joey close to him always provides, versus having his mother hone in on him right away and start pestering to hold the baby. The indecision stretches on long enough for it to be almost comical, but Joey seems to make the choice for them, tucking his head against his father’s neck and twisting tiny fists into Steve’s jacket.

“Looks like he’s where he wants to be,” Bucky jokes, and buries his hands in his pockets to keep from clenching them and overworking his prosthetic. Steve nods, smiling kindly at Bucky, and turns to go into the shop.

“Wait,” Bucky calls out, without thinking, panic rising up in his chest. “Wait, wait, just…. gimme a second.”

"Take all the time you need," Steve says softly and moves to stand next to him.

Bucky feels ridiculous for being panicked over meeting up with his own family, but Steve doesn't seem to mind, just reaches over with his free hand to lace their fingers together. Bucky squeezes the hand gratefully and the tight feeling in his chest loosens a bit.

"Okay," he breathes out a moment later. "I think I'm ready."

Becca’s the first one to see them when they make it into the cafe and, amusingly, she immediately turns bright red and sits up straight in her chair. Since Becc’s normal posture is “the noncommittal slouch of the desperately too cool for this,” naturally this makes Bucky’s mom look up, then over toward the entrance to the cafe.

“You make introductions, then make an escape for the coffee line,” Steve whispers out of the corner of his mouth, but he’s grinning welcomingly anyway.

Bucky is about to protest he's not going to leave Steve alone with his mother, but he's interrupted by his mom calling out to them and waving enthusiastically, like they're not just a few feet away from them.

"Over here Bucky!" she yells and stands up, and Bucky realizes this was a terrible mistake, he forgot his mother had zero qualms about being embarrassing in public.

"Oh, I'm so happy you two could make it today, I've been looking forward to meeting you for weeks now," she says happily.

“You too, Mrs. Barnes,” Steve says politely, shifting Joey’s weight over to his left side so he can extend his right hand to shake.

“Oh please, call me Winnie,” she says with a wave of her hand, and gestures enthusiastically to the seat to her right. This leaves Bucky to take the seat across from her, next to Becca, who’s watching Steve with wide eyes. She catches Bucky looking at her though and smiles at him, sticking out her tongue. He winks back. 

Joey watches the entire exchange shyly, thumb in his mouth and face tucked against Steve’s shoulder. Bucky notices him looking and turns to stick his tongue out at Joey in turn, which makes him giggle.

"He's so precious," Winifred says softly, leaning her head to the side so she can look at him. "Hello Joey, nice to meet you too," she coos at him and to Bucky's relief doesn't immediately try to reach for him.

Joey isn't really used to meeting new people, something they'll have to rectify soon, but he doesn't seem scared, just a little hesitant as he looks at Winifred and then Becca curiously from the safety of Steve's arms.

"I've got a present for him, I hope that's okay," she continues when there's no other reaction from the baby.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” Steve says awkwardly, glancing at Bucky who shrugs helplessly. “Bucky gave us the Christmas gifts you passed along. He loves the stuffed elephant and the train plushie, and the recipe book has been really helpful. I should have written a thank you card, but things have been a little hectic.”

Which is putting it mildly, Bucky thinks a little hysterically, but his mother waves Steve off. “Oh don’t worry about it, honey, I know how it is. Any time the baby’s asleep you’ve got better things to be doing, right?”

“Mom!” Bucky groans, at the same time as Becca squeaks, “Ew, Mom, stop!” and Steve blushes bright red.

"I - well, uhm... thank you for the present, I'm sure Joey will like it," Steve stutters.

"It's really no problem. I just wanted to get him something nice to commemorate the occasion," she says, taking a sip of her coffee and then immediately setting her cup down. "Oh Bucky, you should go and get yourself and Steve something. Maybe get a piece of cake or something else sweet, my treat," she says, fishing her wallet out of her purse.

"Ma, you don't have to pay for us," Bucky protests.

"Nonsense, you drove all the way out here, let me spoil you a little," she insists.

Bucky sighs as she hands him a twenty, but knows better than to argue by now. “What do you want?” he asks Steve, who’s bouncing the baby in his arms a little now, since he’s started to fuss again.

“A latte, maybe? And see if they can warm up some milk for Joey, maybe that’ll settle him.”

“Sure thing,” Bucky replies, and leans down to kiss the top of Joey’s head before he retreats into the line. He can hear his mother talking, though the ambient noise of the coffee shop is too loud to make out what she’s saying. He tries to make himself relax as he orders Steve’s latte and something with caramel for himself, and then explains that he’d like some milk just warmed up.

He can hear a loud wail as he's waiting for his order and he knows without even turning around it's Joey. He knows Steve can handle it, but he's still willing the guy behind the counter to go faster so he can rush back to their table.

Joey is full on crying when he gets back with their drinks and he crouches down next to Steve's seat after he puts the cups on the table. "Hey little guy, what's got you so upset, huh?" he says gently and cups the back of Joey's head. Joey turns to look at him, his big blue eyes looking sad and full of tears, and sniffs unhappily. "New place, new people, you're probably not too happy about that, I get it," he says, smoothing a hand down the baby's back. "But your dad's here, I'm here, there's nothing to worry about."

Joey wails again, and wiggles around until he can reach for Bucky with both hands. “Oh, okay, I see how it is,” Steve teases, but passes the baby off to Bucky willingly. Joey doesn’t really stop crying once he’s resting against Bucky’s chest, just cries quietly there instead.

“I’m sorry about this,” Steve says awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, and then picks up his cup for lack of something better to do with his hands. “He’s been fussy all morning. I don’t know why, he might be getting sick again.”

"Does he get sick often?" Winifred asks worriedly, looking sadly at the crying baby in Bucky's arms.

"Yeah," Steve says quietly, fiddling with his cup. "He gets that from me," he explains. "My immune system wasn't all that great when I was little and I had asthma. It's gotten better over the years, eating right and exercising and taking meds helped. I was hoping Joey wouldn't get saddled with all of that too, but we weren't so lucky."

He looks so miserable Bucky wants to pull him into his arms too. Steve will probably always feel guilty for passing on bad health to his kid, no matter what anyone says, but it never stops Bucky from wanting to reassure him.

"Oh Steve, honey, it's not your fault," Winifred says, putting a hand on his arm. "We can't pick and choose these things for our children, though we all wish we could. We can only stick by and try to make it better."

“Can you pour the milk into a sippy cup?” Bucky asks gently, nodding with his chin to the backpack which serves as Steve’s diaper bag. He sits back down as Steve fishes through the bag, and can’t help but notice Becca, who’s being unusually quiet, is watching him again.

“How’s school, Becks?” he asks, hoping to deflect some attention away from them, and to his surprise, his sister blushes.

“It’s all right,” she says with a shrug, and when Steve smiles at her encouragingly, her jaw snaps shut and she stares down at her phone.

Bucky raises his eyebrow, looking from his sister to his mom inquiringly, but his mother just shrugs. "Got any tests coming up?"

"A few," she offers in response, still staring at her phone. "Math is kinda kicking my ass."

"Oh tell me about it, I suck at math. Barely passed it in high school," Steve says as he fills the sippy cup with milk and that seems to get a reaction from Becca.

"Really?" she asks, her phone still clutched in her hand, held up to her face almost as a shield.

"Yeah, art and history were way more up my alley. Anything math related used to bring me to tears," he says and gives Becca another smile and Bucky watches with fascination as her entire face goes pink again.

She totally has a crush on Steve, Bucky realizes all of a sudden. He momentarily regrets his armful of baby, which means he can’t dig out his own phone and text _you totally have a crush on my boyfriend!_ to her. But then she might actually die from how hard she’s blushing, and he doesn’t want to kill his baby sister. Just make her squirm a little.

Steve hands him the sippy cup and the milk does seem to help, or at least distracts Joey from crying long enough to get his mouth on his sippy cup. Sitting in Bucky’s lap, holding one of the handles in a little fist, while Bucky supports most of it’s weight, he’s in a perfect position to stare at Winnie with big wide eyes.

She's staring right back, looking all besotted and sappy, just like Bucky knew she would. He can't really blame her for that; Joey is a really adorable baby.

"He's so beautiful," she coos. "And he looks just like you, Steve. It's not hard to see why Bucky fell in love with you two."

"Mom, come on," Bucky whines, but she's not paying any attention to him.

"Would it be okay if I took a picture of him?" she asks Steve, and takes her phone out and snaps a picture when Steve says yes.

They actually make it through almost twenty minutes of getting to know you small talk, before Winnie asks to hold the baby. The milk seems to have done the trick, and Joey’s quiet now, seemingly content to just sit in Bucky’s lap and watch the world around him. Bucky’s a little worried that the pass off might bring on the crying again, but he knows that saying no will only hurt his mom’s feelings, even if it won’t deter her from continuing to ask.

“Yeah, just, if he gets too fussy I can take him back,” Steve says diplomatically, and takes Joey from Bucky to pass him over.

“Oh, I don’t mind fussy babies,” Winnie assures them, “All of mine were fussy at one point or another.”

She takes Joey into her arms and there's a moment where everyone is holding their breath, waiting for the wailing to start, but Joey just settles into her arms when she cradles him to her chest and stares up at her with interest.

"Look at you, behaving and being a good boy," Winnie coos down at him and Bucky lets out a relieved breath. "Oh Steve, he's so beautiful," she says and smiles at him before going back to murmuring at the baby.

“He gets that from his mom,” Steve says sheepishly, and Bucky rolls his eyes, nudging Steve’s ankle under the table.

“Right, because you’re an absolute troll,” he teases, and Becca snorts into her coffee. He’s so making fun of her for this later.

“You didn’t know me when I was in college! I was skinny and bony and short! I have no idea why Peggy even gave me the time of day, to be honest,” Steve says earnestly, and Bucky’s heart breaks a little. He can tell Steve actually means that.

"Because the right people can see past the looks and recognize a good heart," Winnie says, looking from Steve to Bucky with a fond smile that makes Bucky shift uneasily in his seat. "Besides, I don't believe you looked any worse three sizes smaller, if anything, you probably looked even more adorable," she says and winks.

"Mom!" Bucky groans and when he looks over, Steve's face is flushed pink and he's looking down at his coffee awkwardly.

Joey chooses that moment to break the tension by reaching up and patting Winnie’s face, his universal sign of affection and acceptance. “Oh hello,” she says brightly down to the baby, and he giggles at her. “You’re cute as a button.”

“He really is,” Bucky says fondly.

“How many words does he have?” Winnie asks, looking up them, and Steve sighs.

“He’s a little behind, only a handful. But all the reading I’ve done says grief could be setting him back.”

"Oh you poor boy, of course you're having trouble," she says to Joey. "That was a lot to adjust to all at once, wasn't it? It happens a lot with children," she turns to Steve. "I don't usually work with kids this young, but losing someone always hits them hard. He looks healthy though, and from what little Bucky tells me, you're doing a good job."

"Sometimes I still think it's not enough," Steve says ruefully and Winnie laughs.

"You'll never stop feeling that way. Even when he's happy, clothed, fed, and healthy as can be, you'll still be thinking there's something else you could be doing for him."

“I’ve been telling him that,” Bucky says softly, and when Steve looks over at him, Bucky smiles gently. Steve’s face softens, that warm, happy look he only ever gets for Bucky and Joey, and he leans over to brush a soft, swift kiss against Bucky’s lips.

Bucky blushes, generally not a fan of public displays of affection, but he’s also starting to feel that warm-right-home feeling he only ever gets in Steve’s apartment. “You’re no small part of why he’s happy, fed, and healthy,” Steve points out, and Bucky shrugs.

"Bucky has a habit of selling himself short when it really matters. Looks like you've got that in common," Winnie comments and well, Bucky can't really argue with that, much as he wants to, so he just grunts noncommittally.

"I'm glad Bucky has found you two. I really didn't like the idea of him living all the way across town by himself, but I feel better now, knowing he has a family of his own," Winnie says proudly.

Bucky rolls his eyes, tempted to mutter that he did fine on his own half a world away. But then his mom would point out that he had, well, lost an arm doing that, and he knew it would just devolve into bickering.

And as he looks at Joey sitting in his mother’s lap, looking around the cafe with interest, he can’t exactly say she’s wrong. His pride would like to say he’d been doing fine on his own, but now that he’s got something to compare it to… “I’m glad I found them too,” he says softly.

When he peeks over at Steve, the other man is smiling softly at him and Bucky can't help but do the same and reach over to hold his hand.

"Oh my god, you two are so grossly cute, I'm developing cavities just sitting here," Becca suddenly pipes up and when Bucky turns to look at her, she's sitting stock still, wide-eyed and red-faced, like she can't believe she said that out loud. The funny thing is that Steve's looking back at her with the same shade of red across his own cheeks and Bucky can't help it, he bursts out laughing.

“He’s too old for you, Rebecca,” he says sagely, and Becca squawks and balls up her napkin to throw at him.

“Don’t call me Rebecca, JAMES,” she hisses, and Bucky dodges, laughing.

He looks up at Steve to see him covering his face, shoulders shaking in silent laughter and he grins.

"Both practically adults and I still can't take you anywhere," Winnie sighs, but she's smiling.

"Practically adults? Excuse me, I've been a proper adult for years and she doesn't even have her driver's license yet!" Bucky exclaims.

"Bet she can cook her own dinner from scratch though, if left to her own devices," Steve comments, apparently recovered from his own embarrassment now that they're all ganging up on Bucky.

"You're supposed to be on my side, Steve," he says accusingly.

“I missed that memo,” Steve teases, hiding his smirk behind his latte cup, and Bucky sighs.

“In my defense, there wasn’t a lot of call to cook for yourself where I was.”

“He’s playing the Vet card, bail now,” Becca says, and Bucky's stomach drops uncomfortably. He’s getting used to talking about his service with Steve, and part of that is because Steve never makes him feel like he’s trying to get favors with it.

"Well there is that, but he's been home a while now, we've been together for a while too, and I'm still doing all the cooking. Sometimes I feel like he's only using me for my home cooked food and baby privileges," Steve says, pretending to sound hurt and Bucky is grateful for the deflect and the way Steve's holding his hand tighter under the table.

"Stevie darling, I came for the baby and the awesome meals, but I stayed just for you," Bucky makes himself sound playful and he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively to play it up even more.

Joey interrupts them all by throwing his cup on the floor, then giggling, and Bucky sighs. “Really?” he asks the baby, bending over to grab the cup as Joey delightedly replies “No!”

“Oh, the ‘nos’ have started,” Winnie says fondly, and Steve sighs.

“I’m not sure he knows what it means, all the time, but he’s definitely figuring it out.”

"Oh I know how that goes," Winnie laughs. "Just wait until you accidentally slip up and curse in front of him and he starts using it all the time."

"I really hope that never happens," Steve says glumly.

His mom starts telling baby stories after that and Bucky is really really glad they decided to do this in a coffee shop instead of at his family's place, because he's sure the baby pictures would be on the table by now and she'd be showing Steve the one where he's three and running away from her buck naked with a bucket over his head. But as he looks at Steve and his mom talking and the way Becca seems to be unfreezing slowly (though she still blushes every time Steve just looks at her), he thinks letting his two worlds crash might not be so bad.

___

Neither of them sleep a wink the night before the meeting with the judge. Bucky had agreed to stay the night, but he just lies there and stares at the ceiling the entire time as Steve tosses and turns beside him.

At around four in the morning Steve seems to give up and gets out of bed and Bucky can hear him quietly pad over to Joey's room. He wants to go over there too, but he figures Steve needs some time alone, so he resumes his staring for an hour longer before he gets up and starts making an early breakfast.

Bucky knows Joey's too young to understand what's happening, but he's always been a perceptive kid, able to read their moods. This morning he's quiet and clingy, holding tight to Steve's shirt and suckling his thumb, watching Bucky with big wide eyes.

For his part, Steve seems just as happy to cling back, sitting at the kitchen table and holding Joey to his chest. Every couple of minutes he'll lean down to kiss Joey's head, whisper how much they love him.

Steve's mother comes by around eight. Someone needs to watch Joey while they're at the meeting and they figured it'll be less stressful for all of them if they don't have to take him anywhere before the appointment.

"Oh, you already had breakfast?" she says as she walks in with a box of something that smells delicious. They've both eaten, barely, but they had, and the dining table is still filled with toast and scrambled eggs.

"Yeah, I needed something to do," Bucky shrugs a little sheepishly.

Sarah smiles at him and nods in understanding. She's been much warmer to him since the Carters filed their suit, and he thinks she's maybe starting to trust him.

"Well, I brought sweet rolls from Martinelli's, if you're still hungry," she offers, setting the box on the table and comes over to kiss Steve's head. It makes Bucky smile, exactly the same gesture Steve himself has been giving Joey all morning.

"I think I'll save them for later, but thanks," Steve says and gives her a small smile.

"They'll keep," she nods and takes a seat next to Steve, reaching over to pet Joey's fluff of hair. "How's our little boy doing today?"

"Not good," Steve sighs. "He knows something's up. He's probably going to cry when we have to leave."

"He's allowed," Sarah says gently. "I won't take it personally."

"Thanks for watching him," Steve says starts, and Bucky can hear him getting choked up. "I know he's your grandson too and if we can't.... If I don't win this -"

"Steve," Sarah cuts him off. "You don't need to do that to yourself. I know what a good parent you are."

Steve takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. "I'm sorry, I just can't... I'm a bit of a mess right now," he says and Bucky walks over quietly.

"Want me to take Joey for a bit?" he offers. He knows Steve would rather not, but he's getting upset and it's making Joey even more fussy. "You could go and take a shower now. It'll give you more time with him before we have to leave," he suggests.

Steve nods mutely, and stands, passing the baby over to Bucky. "Hi sweetheart," Bucky says gently, as Joey whimpers a little and snuggles down against Bucky's shoulder instead. "I got you."

Joey's a little old for bottles at this point, but today Bucky kind of doesn't care, and doesn't feel like fighting with solid food. So he heats up a bottle and then sits next to Sarah in the chair Steve vacated, trying to get himself to relax so Joey will too.

He doesn't really succeed in calming down, but he gets Joey to take his breakfast, so he counts it as a win. Sarah's watching him carefully the entire time and she looks like she wants to say something, so he raises an eyebrow at her.

"I just... I just I wanted to thank you. I know I wasn’t very kind to you in the beginning, but I'm glad Steve has you. I don't think he'd be holding it together at all if it weren't for you," she says softly.

Bucky nods, looking down at the baby in his arms. Joey's watching him, big blue eyes glued to Bucky's face. He bends down a little to kiss the soft fluff on Joey's head, smell that distinct baby smell. "You had no reason to trust me," he admits. "I just hope - I'll never forgive myself if Steve loses him over me."

"He won't," she says and reaches over to squeeze his shoulder reassuringly. "I know things are still uncertain, but I have faith. You're good together, you're good for Joey. The judge has to see that."

"I really hope you're right," he sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. He can't even imagine what it'll be like if they take Joey.

Joey does start crying when they get ready to leave, and Bucky doesn't think he's seen Steve have such a hard time leaving him since Bucky met them. "We love you so much, baby boy," Steve says quietly to Joey, kissing his head, as the baby cries into his shoulder.

"We have to go, honey," Bucky says gently, and Steve nods.

Steve hands Joey over to Sarah and the wailing really gets going now, so Bucky takes hold of Steve's hand and leads him out of the apartment, saying goodbye to Sarah over his shoulder. They'll never leave if they stay in there for a second longer.

"It's going to be fine, we'll be fine," he says firmly once they're out of the building and he's not sure if he's talking to Steve or himself.

They meet Maria Hill at the courthouse. She's dressed sharp enough to cut glass, and Bucky feels a little sloppy next to her, even with his freshly cut hair and pressed shirt. She looks severe, but she gives Steve a smile, and squeezes his arm.

"We've got this, Steve."

Steve nods at her, visibly pulling all of his strength together and Bucky squeezes his hand tightly.

Maria leads them to the third floor, down a long hallway of offices and stops at a door labeled with the number 245.

"I'll do all the talking, you don't have to say anything unless the judge asks you a direct question. Ready to go in?" she asks.

"Let's get this over with," Steve says firmly.

The Carters are sitting to the right of the judge's desk, a short dark-haired man at their side who Bucky's assumes is their lawyer. There's two empty seats to the left, and Bucky squeezes Steve's hand and leads him over to them.

"Good, everyone is present. I'm Judge Annabelle Wright and I'll be presiding over this mediation," the judge introduces herself. She's blonde, middle-aged, and has a kind face despite her stern demeanour. Bucky knows you can't judge a book by its cover, but he's hoping that's a good sign.

"I'll hear the plaintiff's side first. Mister Bloom, if you will," she prompts the opposing lawyer.

Bucky grits his teeth through the listing of all their supposed faults, and it takes everything in him not to punch the Carters as they accuse Steve of abusive neglect.

The judge listens impassively, making notes in the notebook in front of her. Bucky can't get a read on her, she's not giving any hint of reaction, just listens to Bloom speak and then turns to Hill.

"Present your rebuttal, Counselor Hill?"

Hill calmly and politely refutes everything the Carters' lawyer said as bullshit, without actually using the word. She lays out how Steve stepped up after Peggy's death and how Bucky coming along has helped stabilize Joey's life and then presents the judge with the report child services wrote up after their visit.

It had been nerve-wracking for both Steve and Bucky when the lady had showed up. She didn't say much, just spent a few hours with them and made notes, which had made Bucky want to snap her pen in half every time she brought it down to her notepad, but in the end it had been worth it: they'd gotten a good review. It said Joey is a happy baby, living in a stable and safe environment, with people who obviously love him and are able to provide for him. Bucky will never admit it, but getting outside confirmation that he's good for Joey made him a little teary eyed.

The judge makes notes during Hill's speech, and then folds her hands over the notebook, and surveys them all. "I need to review the information provided to me today, and with that I'll make a determination about taking this case to trial. If you would be kind enough to wait in the hall, I'll have my page come get you."

Bucky squeezes Steve's hand, giving him an encouraging smile.

They all leave the room, the Carters and their lawyer going off somewhere, but Bucky doesn't really feel like going far.

"I'm gonna get some coffee." Hill excuses herself and Bucky plops down into one of the seats lined up along the hallway. Steve sits next to him and reaches over to take hold of his hand again. "We're gonna get through this," he says, but Bucky can feel his hand trembling and he swallows around the lump in his throat.

"She's gonna side with us," Bucky says, and tries to inject confidence into his voice.

"What if she doesn't?" Steve asks, and Bucky swallows. He's been trying not to think about that, but he can't stop the feeling that his shiny new life is about to slip through his fingers.

"I don't know," he says softly, looking down at their entwined hands.

Steve looks over at Bucky and says softly “I’m still gonna love you, Buck. I hope you know, even if this goes south, it’s not the end of you and me, okay? I promise.” And Bucky actually starts tearing up, because he can’t lie; that’s part of what he’s scared of.

Steve envelops Bucky in a hug and Bucky hides his face in Steve's shoulder, letting himself be held and comforted until he's settled enough to face the world again.

The hour seems to both stretch forever and pass way too quickly and neither of them feel ready when the page summons them. They all sit down again and Bucky and Steve are holding hands under the table, and when the judge announces the Carters have no case, Joey is staying with Steve, he squeezes Bucky's hand almost hard enough to bruise.

The judge says “Frankly, Mr. Rogers, you’re better qualified to be a parent than some people I’m forced to give custody to, and based on what I’ve seen and heard the only thing you’re guilty of is loving a man, which hasn’t been a crime in this state since the 1950s."

The Carters leave the room without saying a word to him, which isn't a surprise since they've barely looked at Steve the whole day, but Steve still feels a little disappointed. "They're his grandparents, the only link he still has to Peggy. We've never been on good terms, but I never wanted him to lose that."

“If they’re closing the door because of this, he’s better off without them in his life,” Bucky says gently, kissing the back of Steve’s hand. “We’ll keep Peggy’s memory alive, and between your mom and my family, he’s not going to be short on relatives.”

"Yeah, you're right." Steve smiles and leans their foreheads together. "Come on, let's go pick up our little boy from my mom and celebrate."  
___

Steve has a couple days off after their hearing; he’d taken the week off in anticipation of having to go to court, but now he’s got time to spend with Bucky and Joey, which neither of them are really complaining about. They spend Wednesday and Thursday together, the three of them, but Bucky had gone back to his place Thursday night, because much as dragging himself away from them is getting increasingly hard, he’s got a job interview on Friday that he really doesn’t want to tell Steve about until after it’s over.

He’s feeling pretty drained when he gets back from the interview, but he’s been feeling pretty drained for like a week now, so he barely notices. He stops off at his own place long enough to change into something more comfortable than the button up and skinny jeans he’d been wearing, and then lets himself into Steve’s apartment, moving quietly in case Joey’s napping.

Steve smiles at him from the couch where he's watching TV with the volume turned down, which confirms Joey is indeed asleep. "Hey you," he says quietly and holds out a hand in invitation. Bucky walks over and curls into Steve's side gratefully, letting out a deep sigh.

"Rough day?" Steve asks, but Bucky just lets out a noncommittal noise, distracted by the new sensation of the other man's fingers combing through his short hair.

“You smell like baby,” Bucky mutters into the soft material of Steve’s shirt, and laughs when Steve pulls back to side-eye him.

“I’m not sure how to react to that. Did he throw up on me somewhere and I didn’t notice? Because that has happened before.”

“No,” Bucky says fondly and stretches up for a kiss. “The good baby smell. Like baby powder and warmth. He fall asleep on you again?”

“Yeah, for a little while. I should have put him down for a nap sooner but I'm having a bit of a hard time letting go of him these past few days I think," Steve admits sheepishly.

"And how is that any different than any other time?" Bucky teases lightly, but pulls Steve closer and snuggles into him again. "It's okay though, it was a rough couple of days. You're allowed to be clingy. He can't yell at you for it yet."

“You say that but he was yelling ’No!’ and throwing beets at me earlier. This is the second shirt today,” Steve says darkly, and Bucky smiles, can’t help it.

“That passes once you get past the veggies,” he say sagely, and the guilty feeling he usually gets for knowing Joey’s habits better than Steve does is completely overrun by the warm glowing secret he’s holding close to his chest. “Though carrots are becoming more popular.”

"I'm still not entirely convinced he hasn't warmed up to them just because he wants to make you happy," Steve says, but it's fond and does all kinds of nice things to Bucky's insides.

"Nah," he counters. "He likes me a lot, but not enough to calmly accept squishy carrots just for my sake."

"We can test it out later and then maybe I won't have to keep sacrificing shirts at meal times."

“I’m not so sure about that,” Bucky says softly, tracing his finger absently across Steve’s stomach. He can’t keep it in anymore, he just can’t. Steve makes a confused sound, and Bucky leans up again for another kiss, heart in his throat. When their lips part, he whispers, “I got a job?”

“You – got a job?” Steve asks, jerking back a little in surprise to look at Bucky’s face.

“Only part time,” Bucky hedges, shrugging a little. “Only two or three days a week. But it should be enough to help cover Hill’s fees, so you can start taking days off to be with him again.”

"Bucky..." Steve says softly, his eyes growing fond as he reaches out to cup Bucky's cheeks. "I know we've talked about this, but you didn't have to do that. Yeah, I've been missing out on Joey time, but we've been getting along -"

"Yes, we have, but you miss him and he misses you. This will be good for all of us, I needed to put myself out there eventually anyway and now is a good time as any," Bucky interrupts. "And I like the idea of being able to help provide for our little family, even in a small way."

“Okay,” Steve murmurs, thumb brushing Bucky’s cheekbone. “If this is what you want, I’m never going to complain about getting more time with my son. But if it doesn’t work out, or you start to feel like it’s… hurting instead of helping, no pressure, okay?” Bucky nods, shivering a little when Steve kisses him again. “Where are you working?”

“Bookshop,” Bucky says with a shrug. “Bishop Books? A guy I know from the VA has this… friend slash surrogate little sister? And her parents own a couple stores. Apparently they’re big supporters of combat vets.”

"I've seen the place, yeah," Steve nods. "Seems like a nice place and I guess I'll actually have to go in and buy something now," he smiles.

"Or you could just come in and ogle the cute guy who works there part time," Bucky says teasingly and laughs when Steve pushes at his shoulder playfully.

"Nah, I got a nice fella at home, don't need to go eyeing anyone else," Steve says, voice warm and happy.

“I love you so much,” Bucky whispers, shifting closer on the couch until he can crawl into Steve’s lap for the next kiss, hot and sweet and tasting like laughter.

“I love you too,” Steve agrees. “And I’m so proud of you.”

Bucky grins, feeling himself flush, and is about to lean back in for a deeper kiss when a harsh cry blasts from the baby monitor by the couch.

“Seems about right,” Steve sighs, head falling back against the couch, and Bucky laughs.

"You stay right here, I'll go see what our little man wants," Bucky says and pats Steve's shoulder before getting up, but Steve grabs his hand and stalls him.

"Naw, I'll come with you," he says and tangles their fingers together once he pulls himself up. "Might end up being a two man job."

Bucky squeezes his hand, leans in for another kiss, and then leads them both toward the screaming baby.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been an intense labor of love for both of us. It's by far the biggest project either of us has ever tackled, and it's been amazing to see it come to life. We hope you enjoy the fic, and love this little family as much as we have come too. If you want to hang out with us on tumblr, we're [girl3wonder](http://girl3wonder.tumblr.com/) and [portraitofemy](http://portraitofemmy.tumblr.com/). Thank you so much for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [My Arms Were Made To Hold You (Cover Art)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5232428) by [kultiras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kultiras/pseuds/kultiras)




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